The curious campaign diary of Tony Blair

Hello, my name is Anthony Algernon St Michael Blair...

... and I live at No 11 Downing Street, where I am Prime Minister and run the country. Last year I wrote a book called 'The Curious Incident of the WMD in Iraq', which was all about Me and why I was Right to do a war with Mr Hussein. I thought of writing my book after reading 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' by Mark Haddon. This is a brilliant book that everyone should read.

It's about a boy who sees the world in an odd way, talks strangely, can only function by having a set of very fixed views, and Always Tells The Truth. But while Mr Haddon's book is about a dysfunctional teenager adrift in a confusing world he doesn't understand who, despite being Sincere, tends to Screw Things Up for everyone around him, mine was about how well I've been running the country.

The people at The Independent on Sunday really liked the book and asked me to write this column. They want it to be all about me and How I Win The Forthcoming Election. Also it will be very useful for you, the reader, as it will help you understand How Elections Really Work.

Explaining things is a very important part of Winning Elections. What I've discovered is that when you want to win your first one, you have to explain complicated things in simple terms. But when you want to win your third election, because you've been in power for ages and Things Really Should Be Better, you have to explain simple things in complicated terms.

The week started with the Pope dying. Which was Sad. Which is why I said: "He was an inspiration, a man of extraordinary faith, dignity and courage."

I wanted to add, "but he was wrong about Iraq" but Ellen Milburn said no. Ellen is my new Election Tsar and shows that, in fact, I do let women hold positions of Real Responsibility. However, as Ellen can sometimes storm off to spend "more time with my family", I make sure she's out of the room when I'm on the phone to Peter, Alastair or Philip with the Glasses, really deciding how to run things.

Because the Pope died I delayed calling the election. This was out of Respect. It was also because I'd just read that any Roman Catholic male could be elected Pope. And the Pope is Pope for life. But unfortunately there isn't enough time for me to convert before the cardinals vote.

On Tuesday I went to see The Queen to ask her to dissolve Parliament. She said "But I thought you'd done that already?"

The rest of the week was spent with hectic electioneering. So it was nice to be able to get away for a Short Break on Friday to Rome. Coincidentally that was just when the Pope was being buried so I Represented The Country. I'm quite good at funerals now that I've learned how not to Grin at the cameras.

Prince Charles was there too. He looked even more solemn than me. Maybe it was because he was getting married to Camilla the next day. So that's when I had my Very Good Idea.

One of the most important things I've learned about Winning Elections is that you have to connect with the man in the street. If people think you're just like them, they're More Likely To Vote For You. That's why, when I'm in public, I always drink my tea from a mug.

It also explains why last week I did chatting with Little Ant and Dec. They are two very short Geordies from Newcastle who have a very popular prime-time show on Saturdays on ITV, which is The People's Channel. After the show I went out drinking Newkie Brown (which is a type of cold, alcoholic soup) with them down the Bigg Market. The place was packed with girls out on Hen Nights.

I think Charles really enjoyed the Stag Night. We ended up in St Peter's Square at three in the morning looking for a kebab van. He told me that he Really Loved Me.

The easyJet home was a bit of a blur. Even getting on board was Not Straight Forward. The problem arose when the check-in lady asked Prince Charles: "Did you pack your bags yourself?"

The wedding itself was a Great Success. The Press got lots of pictures of me Smiling. When taken alongside the pictures of me looking Solemn the day before it would be easy for the British Public to see just how Two-Faced I could be when the occasion demanded.

But the Best Thing about the wedding is that I'm sure I gave Prince Charles a Very Good Present. I'd thought it up while we were out on the Stag Night. I've decided to lift the ban on fox-hunting. Not only is it a very good present but it is bound to be as Popular and Principled a policy as my coincidentally lifting the ban on tobacco advertising on Formula One cars just after a Mr Ecclestone had given a million to the Labour Party.

After such a hectic week it was nice to veg out in front of the telly watching Dr Who. Mr Ecclestone was in this too but he had regenerated himself into a much taller man. It was great Escapism.

It was about the dead rising from their graves and Creatures Made Of Gas roaming the land terrifying ordinary folk. For some reason it really got me in the Right Mood for next week's Serious Electioneering.

All The Best, Tony

PS Forward Not Back!

As told to Rohan Candappa