Pete and Dud of English cricket are uneasy bedfellows in Gatwick hotel

Mooresy loves Cooky. Cooky loves Mooresy. Cooky must save Mooresy. But Mooresy dropped Cooky. And they both hate Kevin (but won't admit it)

Peter Moores and Alastair Cook face the music yesterday (PA)

If you’ll allow a little generosity in the matter of pluralisation, they were not the first Cook and Moore(s) to come out and put on a brave face for the sake of the cameras.

In Pete and Dud’s case, at least they had the freedom relentlessly to abuse one another then claim it was part of the act. Watch the final live recordings of the Derek and Clive tapes now, and its undeniable that personal venom has set in somewhere around the 400th time each has “jovially” sworn at each other using the foulest phrases possible.

But for Peter and Alastair – or “Mooresy” and “Cooky”, as they relentlessly referred to one another during their joint 15-minute press conference before flying off to the West Indies to make some sort of attempt at rebuilding the obliterated reputation of English cricket – this was the perfect show of stage-managed friendship.

“Me and Mooresy?” said Cooky. “I’ve known Mooresy for years. I love playing under Mooresy.”

Which is, of course, true, even if he did drop him as captain of the one-day side on the eve of the World Cup.

“Me and Cooky have spoken about it,” said Mooresy.

Here at Gatwick Airport, this was level one of the brilliant new fox, chicken and bag of grain-style logic game that the highest sphere of cricket in this country has become.

The other Cook-Moore(s) double act (Getty Images)

Mooresy loves Cooky. Cooky loves Mooresy. Cooky must save Mooresy. But Mooresy dropped Cooky. Mooresy and Cooky both hate Kevin (but won’t admit it). (Colin) Gravesy likes Kevin. Kevin could save Mooresy but Kevin hates Mooresy, and somewhere, lost in the circular reference, a feedback loop of total system failure, England have to try to somehow win a Test match, while looming ever larger on the horizon is the prospect of an Ashes summer, at home against a resurgent Australia, that might just scale previously unknown heights of English cricketing shame.

The last time England cricket called its traditional airport press conference, before jetting off to Australia two and a half months ago, there was whispered concern in every corner that, should England make it to the World Cup final, flights would have to be rebooked to go direct from Australia to the West Indies.

“We’re haven’t packed our Test gear,” one bowler, who shall remain nameless, confessed.

What infinitesimal fear there might have been turned out, you may have noticed, to have been unnecessary.

It’s a pity that tonight’s party leaders’ debate drew such a larger audience than a hastily arranged press conference in the back room of the Gatwick Sofitel, because this was truly a masterclass in not answering a question.

Do you want Kevin Pietersen to ever play for England again?

Kevin Pietersen (left) yet again managed to dominate an England press conference (Getty Images)

“Kevin isn’t on our radar,” Mooresy insisted. “Kevin’s not on this trip. I don’t need to focus on Kevin.”

Did Mooresy regret not taking Cooky to a World Cup in Australia from which they returned the second best team in the British Isles? “You can have regrets about all sorts of things,” said Mooresy.

“Every cloud has a huge silver lining,” said Cooky. “Spending three months at home has been fantastic. I’ve been living a normal life again, which I haven’t had for quite a long time. It’s been great spending time with family and friends. It has been really refreshing and enjoyable.”

Captains mustn’t be afraid to rush in where others fear to tread, so if Cook is the only Englishman ever to have held a cricket bat who found the last few months “refreshing and enjoyable” then so be it. Perhaps refreshing is indeed the right word for failing to keep pace with the might of Bangladesh.

In the wake of that defeat, Mooresy, now notoriously, wanted to “look at the data” to find out why a target of 275 had proved unchaseable in the face of one of the least glittering bowling attacks in top-tier cricket.

Unfortunately for him, the data of human relations is less quantifiable. And as much as the two can pretend to be best of friends, however much they have “spoken about it” the damage done is real.

It certainly hasn’t helped that Colin Graves, the ECB’s new chairman come May, whose route into cricket has come via founding the Costcutter mini-mart chain and who already wants to lop a day off the standard five-day Test match, has cheerfully called England’s West Indian opponents “mediocre”.

“Anyone who’s got to cross over the line and face 90mph bowling will see things differently,” said Cooky.

Still, as the two men wake this morning, under the warm St Kitt’s sun, they will know it is time to deliver some refreshing enjoyment to their brutalised fans. If not, the kind of vituperation their comedian near namesakes threw at one another will be coming their way, and quite right, too.