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That looks muddy good fun – now can we have it in plain English, please?

View from  the sofa: European Cyclocross Omroep Brabant, International rugby league BBC 1 

Matt Butler
Monday 09 November 2015 01:37 GMT
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I once asked a Dutchman in Amsterdam whether he spoke English, as I needed directions. He replied with a grin: “Well, I’m no Shakespeare, but I will give it a go.” I told him not to be such a smarty-pants – in Japanese, just to make myself feel cleverer.

I was reminded of this exchange on Saturday, when I sat down to watch the European cyclocross championships. Cyclocross, for the uninitiated, involves tearing around a muddy circuit on what looks like a road bike with knobbly tyres, as well as lifting the steed over obstacles and up stairs. It looks great fun – and ideal for autumnal Britain.

The European championships were held this year in the Netherlands and coverage in this country was non-existent. Luckily for cycling fans, there was a live online feed from the host country – with commentary from none other than Marianne Vos, the multiple championship-winning rider on roads, dirt and tracks. The only thing was, she was speaking in Dutch. Which was all very well – it is her native language – but not helpful if you are, to adapt my Amsterdam friend’s phrase, no Harry Mulisch.

With the plethora of sports channels on offer in the UK, may I make a small plea? The cyclocross World Championships will be held on 30 January. The sport is exciting to watch, if a little wacky, and growing quickly in Britain. So BT Sport, Sky, Eurosport, or whoever, do us a favour and cover it.

Thankfully, there was no such linguistic mystery in the BBC’s coverage of the rugby league Test between England and New Zealand. In short, Mark Chapman, Jamie Peacock, Jonathan Davies and Jon Wilkin called a spade a spade. First up there was a dissection of Sam Burgess’s return from union. “One of my pet hates is wasted talent – rugby union was not the sport to showcase his talents,” Peacock said, while Davies – a fellow cross-coder – spoke of an “idiotic minority wanting people in other codes to fail” and the whole episode being “a shambles”.

Chapman brought up a newspaper column criticising Burgess for “fancying a go at union then giving up”. Davies’ reaction was priceless – and Peacock’s wasn’t far behind for plain talking. “I respect the writer, but that is rubbish,” Davies said. Peacock added that the piece highlighted the “snobbery” among followers of the 15-man code.

At half-time, following a desperately dreary, tryless first half, the studio pundits did not mince their words about what they had just seen. Where a football pundit would have used euphemisms like “tense”, “tight”, or the catch-all for dull matches, “absorbing”, the league mob were honest.

Wilkin – whose highly dodgy charity mustache demands a mention – called the half “dull and flat”. Peacock said: “I am with Jon, it has been a bit of a drab affair when it comes to attacking class and crispness.”

Hey, it ain’t Shakespeare, but at least we could completely understand what they were talking about.

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