Six Nations A-Z: Grand Slam, Dylan Hartley, Maro Itoje and the Principality Stadium

From the worst team at converting Grand Slams to the best player you’ve never heard of – Chris Hewett's alternative view

The RBS Six Nations trophy during the RBS Six Nations (Getty)

A is for: Antipodeans

Are there any rugby folk left down there? For the first time, all four home nations will be coached by men from Australia or New Zealand. The Little Englanders at Twickenham must be spluttering into their pink gins.

B is for: Bonus points

No sign of them as yet, but pressure is growing on the tournament custodians to get modern. The “three clear try” system currently used in French club rugby – a method vastly superior to the English Premiership’s version – might be a way forward.

C is for: Closed shop

Georgia? Romania? Who cares? Not the Six Nations, that’s for sure. If we are serious about growing the game, a two-division tournament must be considered.

D is for: Double figures

England are far and away the heaviest Six Nations try-scorers. They are also the only team to have accumulated 10 in a single match – against Italy in 2001, when the visionary Brian Ashton was their attack coach.

E is for: Exiles

A southern hemisphere Six Nations line-up drawn from last year’s tournament and this year’s squads: Anscombe (Wales); Maitland (Scotland), Payne (Ireland), Barritt (England), Nakaitaci (France); Haimona (Italy), Kockott (France); Vunipola (England), Strauss (Ireland), Nel (Scotland), Geldenhuys (Italy), Furno (Italy), Denton (Scotland), Hardie (Scotland), Stander (Ireland).

F is for: Full house

Only three players have scored all four ways – try, conversion, penalty, drop goal – in a single game: two Welshmen in Neil Jenkins and James Hook; one Englishman in Jonny Wilkinson, who managed it twice. He just had to be different, didn’t he?

G is for: Grand Slam

Or in this case, Grand Slam failures. England’s conversion rate on clean-sweep day is desperate: only once in five attempts have they managed to seal the deal. France and Wales? They always deliver.

H is for: Hartley

All eyes on Dylan the bad boy. Will he live down to his reputation as trouble on legs, or will be remind everyone just how good a player he is with his hands?

I is for: Itoje

Eyes will switch to the most talked about youngster in European rugby the moment he wins his first cap. Obviously an FEC (for the avoidance of doubt, this means Future England Captain).

J is for: Joubert

The South African referee Craig Joubert sprinted out of Twickenham after messing up the World Cup quarter-final between Australia and Scotland and has been running ever since, to the extent that he has circumnavigated the globe. He will be back at HQ next month to run the England-Wales game.

K is for: Kicking

The organisers crave tries, but marksmen win matches. Maxime Machenaud of France is the current hottest shot, with a career Six Nations strike rate of 91.67 per cent.

L is for: Line-outs

England should be good in this area now that Steve Borthwick, a master technician, is on the coaching team, but is there a red-rose ball-winner as reliable as Alun Wyn Jones, the wonderful Wales lock? The stats tell us that, of all current players, Jones is the most productive.

M is for: Marmalisation

Or whatever the Italian version of the M-word might be. The Azzurri have been on the painful end of all six of the highest scores since they joined the tournament at the turn of the century, and all five of the heaviest try counts. If there’s the whiff of a thrashing in the air, you know who’s going to cop it.

N is for: Non-scorers

On the other hand, the Italians have been particularly good at not scoring. Andrea Lo Cicero, no mean prop forward, spent 13 years and 49 championship matches waiting to touch down for a five-pointer. Three years into retirement, he is waiting still.

O is for: O’Driscoll

St Brian of Clontarf remains the heaviest try-scorer in the championship with 26, a record that is likely to stand for some time. He is also – and this is official – the worst drop-goal exponent ever with a strike rate of 16 per cent. The man was overrated, clearly.

P is for: Principality Stadium

The new name for the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. What next? Google Twickenham?

Q is for: Quickest

Italy do not score often, but when they do it is with a minimum of fuss. Mauro Bergamasco, the warrior flanker from Padua, took all of 20 seconds to put one past the Scots in 2007.

R is for: Rookie

Post-World Cup tournaments are often used to blood fresh talent. England named seven uncapped players in their squad, France and Italy 10 apiece, and there is a good deal of excitement surrounding the Irish flanker Josh van der Flier, the Wales scrum-half Aled Davies and the Scottish prop Zander Fagerson.

S is for: Scheduling

Remember 3pm on a Saturday? The organisers are doing their best to forget it. Of the 15 matches in this year’s competition, precisely none will be kicking off at the traditional time. There is a Friday night game in Cardiff, though, complete with 30-mile motorway tailback. Deep joy.

T is for: Triple Crown

Purely a British and Irish concern, this piece of parochialism still matters. Not least to the Scots, who have yet to win one in the Six Nations era.

U is for: Under the radar

The best player you’ve never heard of in this Six Nations? Risk a pound on Virimi Vakatawa, the new France wing from a Fijian sevens background.

V is for: Vunipolas

And other sets of siblings. Mako and Billy should make a splash for England, given their combined poundage – but might they be outperformed by the Gray brothers from Scotland?

W is for: Wooden spoon

Stand tall, England and Ireland: you alone have avoided bottom place over the last 15 years. Everyone else has been down among the dead men at some point – or in the case of the Italians, at most points.

X is for: Xenophobia

In Six Nations terms, this does not mean one country falling victim to the fear and loathing of everyone else. It means everyone else having a fear and loathing of England.

Y is for: Yellow card

If you keep your players on the field, you give yourselves a chance of winning. James Haskell of England and Gethin Jenkins of Wales should be reminded of this truth. Of all current participants, they are the most regular visitors to the sin bin.

Z is for: Zanni

As in Alessandro, the 32-year-old Italian flanker who has been playing Six Nations rugby for a decade and been the tournament’s most underrated player for much of that time. He’s back again this year, bless him, and deserves maximum respect.

Clockwise from top left: Craig Joubert on the run; look out for France new boy Virimi Vakatawa; James Haskell heads to the sin bin yet again; Friday night in Cardiff brings M4 traffic misery; everyone likes to see England lose; all-rounder Neil Jenkins getty images