IndaPalace with Ali G

'The fact that the Queen Mother said "Respec'!" proves only one thing. That she had been watching television. Which does not surprise me'

I am very glad to announce the return of Dr Wordsmith, our resident language expert, who, as usual, has been out and about in the licensed premises of Britain, keeping an ear open for all the changes in the way we speak now. Here he is, with a six-pack of lager and a big dictionary, ready to answer all your questions. Take it away, Doc!

Dear Dr Wordsmith, I wonder if you were surprised at all by reports that the Queen Mother had been heard imitating Ali G at the royal dinner table. Well, not so much imitating him, as saying "Respec'!" in a loud voice about something or other. Do you not think it is amazing that a centenarian should be in touch with a trendy comedian known only to young people ?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Not at all. You must not think for a moment that the Queen Mother was actually imitating Ali G. She was only using one of his catch phrases. There is a great deal of difference. Usually, when we say that someone sounds like a comedian, we mean that he is using his trademark phrases. It takes a comedian a lot of time and hard work to get an otherwise meaningless or insignificant word established as a trigger for laughter. Do you remember the comedian who established the phrase, "Was there something?"?

Dear Dr Wordsmith, No, I don't think I do.

Dr Wordsmith writes: I don't think I do either. But it definitely happened, and it became a catch phrase, and Arthur Askey used to say "I thank you" as if it was "I thang yow", and that became a catch phrase, and somebody else said "I don't mind if I do", and "nice to see you, to see you nice", and they all became catch phrases, and the thing about all of them is that there was nothing funny about any of them whatsoever! They are only amusing through repetition. The fact that the Queen Mother said "Respec'!" proves only one thing; that she had been watching television. Which does not surprise me.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, But...

Dr Wordsmith writes: But nothing! Anyone can create a catch phrase if they have nothing better to do. Even the Royal Family could create catch phrases if they so chose. Indeed, "My husband and I" became a popular catch phrase, simply because the Queen had used it in every Christmas broadcast in living memory, until her advisers told her to knock it off. And people still remember Queen Victoria's catch phrase.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, You mean, "We are not amused"?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Precisely.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Are you suggesting that Queen Victoria had the technique of a music-hall comedian?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Not at all. She was woefully deficient in it. A shame, really, as she had everything else. She had all the makings of a wonderful music-hall act. She had the image of the embittered widow, she had the costume of a little old lady in black, and she had the reputation, justified or not, of being a bit of a prude. Indeed, the word "Victorian" was coined after her. Just imagine if she could have come on at the Hackney Empire, and started an act by saying: "Quieten down, everyone. You're not here to have a good time, you know. So behave yourself, or I'll die, and you'd get Bertie as King and you wouldn't like that, would you? Quite so. Meanwhile, here's a riddle: How do you get Victoria cross? How do you get Victoria cross? Give up? You charge at the enemy and throw your life away! No, but seriously, we've had the legs of the piano in Buckingham Palace covered up. Do you know why? In case Bertie takes it to Paris for the weekend! Anyway, as I was saying to Mrs Gladstone the other day – wife of the Prime Minister – very plain woman – the Gladstone Bag we call her – the Gladstones came round to the Palace the other day and tried to park in the front courtyard – I told her straight 'We are not a mews!'... and now, and now, a little song entitled 'Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Boer War...'"

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Are you feeling all right?

Dr Wordsmith writes: I just feel sorry for Victoria, that's all. Albert had his Memorial and his Hall named after him, but all Victoria got was a station and an embankment... Perhaps another lager would help...

Dr Wordsmith will be back as soon as he has sobered up. Keep those queries rolling in!