Same-sex marriage: Do spare a thought for all the homophobes whose marriages now mean nothing

It must be so tough living in an equal society if you're against equality

Same-sex marriage supporters celebrate the Supreme Court's decision while civilisation crumbles beneath their very feet (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

“Today, 5 unelected judges redefined the foundational unit of society.” These words have just been tweeted by the Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. Somehow, he managed to narrowly avoid typos as the streams of tears distorted his vision.

What he's referring to is today's historic decision by the Supreme Court, which has ruled by 5-4 to make same-sex marriages legal in all 50 states. It’s a shock to millions of Americans – the type who still aren’t over the idea Adam Lambert got all that way through American Idol and was really an actual homosexual. The sort of Americans who wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat remembering how the judges ruled on Roe v Wade.

You know the sort. The ones who go to WalMart with a gun and give their kids guides on what to do if there’s a shoot-out at school, because that’s their right as a citizen of Americuh. Meanwhile, they stockpile Immodium to deal with the fact that they're still shitting themselves after hearing Ellen's big announcement.

Life has been tough to these people. Divorce is tough. And that’s the procedure that millions of previously happy Americans, like the Santorums, will now be forced to go through. I mean, Mrs Santorum will just never be the same again.

How can they ever celebrate another wedding anniversary after this? Knowing that somewhere – even in his own state – there are two homosexuals cavorting down the aisle to Like a Prayer, littering the streets with their glitter and empty containers of poppers, having all the marriage they want. What evil bastards.

They’re as bad as Islamic terrorists, right? No, these aren't my words, but those of US radio host Bryan Fischer. "From a moral standpoint, 6/26 is now our 9/11," he tweeted, before adding: “June 26, 2015: the day the twin towers of truth and righteousness were blown up by moral jihadists.”

Now, I don’t know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Ginsburg looks like with a beard, but I’m fairly sure she’s hasn't been hiding out in Pakistan planning a militant march of the gays the past 50 years. Although kudos if she has.

For people like Santorum and Fischer, today is a real struggle. Because for them, today is the end of civilisation. Possibly.

And where will it end? Protections in the workplace? Anti-bullying policies in schools for kids struggling to cope with their identity? Leaders endorsing help for young people and their families who have taken their lives after suffering homophobic vitriol? Full legal protection and equal rights for transgender people?

If we’re not careful, then today’s ruling by the Supreme Court might just might change America forever. The self-indulgent bigotry of moral conservatives and religious extremists might be replaced by compassion. We might have an America where Adam and Eve meet and fall in love, and realise that when they have kids, Adam Jr might just marry Steve. Children who stay up late at night crying because they've just realised they're gay – they may actually start to feel like they belong in their own country. And the suicide rate for gay teens may actually start to decline.

So yes, spare a thought for all the bigots today. Life was just great for them when gay couples weren't seen as equal under the law. But now, civilisation is over, and I can only imagine how tough that must be.