Is this a Trotskyite revolution or more scaremongering by Labour’s far right?

It is, of course, nostalgic fun to hear 'Militant' trotted out as a lethal menace again

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Without in any way wanting to seem alarmist, I begin to fear that if the Labour election keeps to its present trajectory, it could descend into internecine chaos.

Threatening the prevailing tranquillity is John Mann MP, a throwback to the rent-a-quote glory days of Sir Anthony Beaumont-Dark, and such a megagob that his local police station sends a panda car to his home whenever he falls silent for 23 minutes. There was no need for a search party on Sunday, since this commander in Continuity Blair starred on The Sunday Times’ front page. In an intervention message that close students of Apocalypse Labour had been expecting for a while, John called for the leadership election to be suspended pending an investigation into the electorate. He claims that the contest is being perverted by voters motivated to vote for Jeremy Corbyn not because they agree with his politics, but because they “expressly want to break up” the Labour Party. These infiltrators he identifies as “Militant Tendency types”.

It is, of course, nostalgic fun to hear Militant trotted out as a lethal menace for the first time in decades, but how real is this revival for Trotskyite entryism? Most of us haven’t heard a dickie bird about Militant or its successors for years, so one of two assumptions seems indicated. Either the likes of Derek Hatton – operating under the deepest of cover as a property developer in Cyprus – have been sleepers these past 25 years, plotting in secret for the day Corbyn was ready to seize power. Or it’s a pile of rancid old cobblers peddled by a militant tendency on Labour’s far right, whose particular militancy lies in the petulant refusal to accept the democratic will of the electorate when it isn’t much to their taste.

Frankly, I can’t decide which. It’s a coin flip. But if John can master his reticence to provide firm statistical evidence as to how many among an electorate of almost 400,000 are agitators intent on splitting Labour, that would be helpful. In the meantime, perhaps the election should continue on its massively entertaining course, on the soppy grounds that it is being conducted in absolute compliance with its own rules.

Nothing but a flesh wound for brave Liz Kendall

When Liz Kendall agrees with a writer’s analysis that she has “lady balls” (a deeply sexist term insinuating that a woman cannot prove her toughness without appropriating male genitals, but we’ll let that pass), there is no arguing with that. It isn’t easy finding a precedent for the courage she shows in attempting to style it as a two-way race between herself – a 47-1 shot on Betfair and drifting by the day – and Jeremy Corbyn. The best I can manage is the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The one who shouts “I’m invincible!” after losing a third limb in a sword fight, and declares “All right, we’ll call it a draw” after being deprived of the fourth.

Burnham’s got growth, but not in the right places

Even with this leadership race, it behoves us to focus on the serious stuff rather than the banalities. So I have to ask this. Has Andy Burnham been using industrial fertiliser on his eyebrows? An astounding recent growth spurt suggests he had been shaving them for years, but decided to let them grow to distract attention from the eyelashes that used to be his defining feature. Whatever the explanation, Andy has mutated in weeks from a ringer of Una Stubbs’s Aunt Sally in Worzel Gummidge into a younger version of Parker, Lady Penelope’s chauffeur in Thunderbirds. Another month and he’ll be Mr Brezhnev.

What fun they must have had at ITV’s summer party...

I am saddened by news of alarming wastefulness at ITV. The network recently reported a 23 per cent surge in pre-tax profits to £712m, so you understand its management’s desire to show some appreciation to the staff. But that’s no excuse for the splurge on last week’s summer parties. An email from one Katherine Beard began as follows. “Hi everyone, I’ve had it confirmed that you have up to £1 per person on your floor to spend on your event.” And it only gets worse. “Can I emphasise that this is up to £1 per person! If you’ve put your event together for less, please don’t spend for the sake of it as anything we have left will go back into the pot for … an Xmas gathering.” Now there’s one to gatecrash. Think of the goody bags.

Torygraph plumbs depths

In an online age of vulgar click bait, hats off to the Telegraph for maintaining its traditional standards. “Singer’s sanitary towel drops out of her knickers live on TV” reads a recent website headline above a story, with video footage attached, about a fashion faux pas suffered by the Mexican Patricia Navidad. If that doesn’t clinch the knighthood he craves for the enchanting chief executive Murdoch MacLennan, whatever will?

Another booking for Boris

Fears that Boris Johnson may be at risk of becoming overstretched have been exaggerated. Apart from being London mayor and an MP, attending the Cabinet, his £250,000 per annum weekly newspaper piece, and now writing a book about Shakespeare for a modest £500,000 advance, Boris has time to be a guest columnist in The Sun on Sunday.

Apart from a sideswipe at Theresa May for confiscating his favourite new toy (the water cannon), Boris had warm words for Jeremy Corbyn. “Before we all bust our pants laughing, I think we should take a closer look. There is a reason he strikes such a chord with the electorate, and that reason can be summed up in one word. Authenticity.”

Splendid stuff, though as so often when Boris praises another politician – Churchill, Castro, Corbyn, whoever (I may have made one of those up) – you can’t help wondering if he has someone else, though God alone knows who, in mind.

Twitter: @MatthewJNorman