What Cameron really needs is to turn this into a khaki election

The PM is a more retrograde strategist than Blackadder's General Melchett

With an eye for strategy: Stephen Fry’s General Melchett and Rowan Atkinson’s Edmund Blackadder (BBC)

Recalling the ancient saw about bad generals fighting previous wars, we salute David Cameron as this campaign’s General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett. If anything, the PM is a more retrograde strategist than Stephen Fry’s braying madman from Blackadder Goes Forth. Where Melchett conducted trench warfare by the precepts of the Second Boer War fought some 15 years previously, Cameron looks for guidance to Tory victories from three decades ago. So far, his Back To The Eighties meisterplan hasn’t worked spiffingly.

Forcing housing associations to flog discounted social housing polls appallingly, and there is little reason to imagine that the bribe of cut-price Lloyds shares will be any more popular. Everything comes in threes, and it fell to Philip Hammond to alert us to the third element of the holy Thatcherite trinity. Philip, the human tranquiliser dart who moonlights as Defence Secretary, has accused Argentina of “outrageous bullying” for launching legal action against UK companies drilling for gas and oil near the Falklands. Although the timeframe is tight, it took the Royal Navy only 48 hours to launch the task force last time. So if Cameron can dip into the Thatcher playbook again, and conflate Argentine insolence with an act of war, he might yet find that electoral breakthrough. Further suggestions for pledges targeted at Eighties fans include the mandatory reformation of A Flock of Seagulls, subsidised braces for commodity brokers and the removal of CCTV cameras from football stadiums to encourage a renaissance of hooliganism and racist chanting. Yet what Cameron really needs is to turn this into a khaki election. In the absence of Falklands Conflict II, it seems destined to remain a khazi election for the Melchett of Chipping Norton as he flushes away his hopes down the toilet bowl of comically misjudged nostalgia.

Pack your bag, take the cat

Stretching the Melchett analogy until it screams for mercy, we come to the loss of pets. The General was distraught when Blackadder shot his racing pigeon, Speckled Jim, and, in a heart-rending interview, Cameron hints at similar distress ahead. “I sat them [the children] down a few weeks ago and told them … the possible outcomes,” he confided. “They like No 10 and would miss it, and Larry, the Downing Street cat, who’s become almost like part of the family.” No one wants the kids to be upset. So here’s another helpful idea, as loosely based on a story about a fella who tells the missus to pack her suitcase because he’s just won £1m on the lottery. “Ooh, that’s wonderful,” she says. “Aye, love, now go and pack your bag.” “Yes, but you’ve not said where we’re off to. Shall I pack for somewhere cool or hot?” “Just pack your bag,” he says, “and fuck off.” If it comes to it, just pack your bag, Prime Minister, and take the bleeding cat with you.

Balls should keep quiet

While reading a Mail on Sunday interview of Ed Balls, it occurred that this doughty soldier could yet benefit from Bob Monkhouse Syndrome by Proxy – the curious condition whereby a loathed public figure eventually comes into vogue if he sticks around long enough. But that’s 30 or 40 years away and, for now, Balls remains strychnine to the hopes of the leader he serves with such loyalty. Don’t think of riding your luck, Balls. Go somewhere remote for the next 17 days and be silent until it’s over.

Katie Hopkins is a victim

In the wake of Katie Hopkins’ latest Sun column, a request for sympathy and understanding. Addressing the series of disasters off the Libyan coast in which hundreds of migrants are thought to have drowned, Katie advocated that gunships be sent, rather than rescue vessels, and described those poor souls as “cockroaches”. Since her late teens, Katie has suffered from epilepsy (a part of her brain is missing, she revealed in the Celebrity Big Brother house). Epilepsy is known greatly to increase the instance of disinhibition, psychosis and other personality disorders (some connected with aggression). Assuming this explains why she puts her name to such thoughts, it is important to view her less as a professional persecutor of the unfortunate than their fellow victim. All the blame belongs to The Sun, which manipulates her for gain.

How Tony Blair gets paid

The Sunday Telegraph finds Mr Tony Blair earning well for advising the Colombian government how to spend the income from its mining industry. What grasps the attention here is that his fees and expenses are paid not by the Colombians. The tab is picked up by friends in the government of Abu Dhabi, giving rise to an argument about conflict of interest. Bless those UAE oil billionaires, though – they’re every inch as philanthropic as him. Meanwhile, for anyone who likes their Blair vignettes on the crude side, I repeat this titbit. In the Abu Dhabi hotel where Mr Tony always stays on his mercy dashes, the Emirates Palace, the cash machine doesn’t bother with treasury notes. It dispenses gold bars.

Royal delivery for Miliband

Most Credible Unsourced Election Exclusive of the Week goes to The Sun on Sunday for a psephological insight relating to the imminent royal birth. “Top Tories are terrified the next royal baby will be a boy named Edward, delivering the election for Ed Miliband.” Yup, that’d swing it.

Twitter: @MatthewJNorman