Deborah Ross: Some cats are not being catered for

If you ask me...

If you ask me, I think I yearn for those simple times when feeding your cat meant upturning the odd can of Whiskas every now and then. Now, the choice is staggering. There is wet, dry, tins, pouches, gravy, jelly, marinades, organic. There is food for junior cats, adult cats and senior cats as well as sensitive digestion, weight management, hair-ball control, dental protection and even Go-Cat's special food for "inside cats" which, considering the cat doesn't go anywhere, might be better branded as No-Go-Cat. Anyhow, quick to spot a business opportunity – I would like to make my fortune so I can fritter it on baubles and gems – I have decided to embark on my own range of cat food and although it is early days I have already launched More Inside Than Outside Cat, More Outside Than Inside Cat and, for the cat who gets wedged in the cat flap, Neither Out Nor In Cat. (As the cat struggles to work itself free, you may wish to feed it on More Inside than Outside or More Outside Than Inside, depending on which way it is going.)

Further products in development include Head-Butting Cat (for the cat that head-butts when it wants feeding), Threading Cat (for the cat that threads through your legs when it wants feeding), Head-Butting/Threading Cat, for the cat that does both, and may be the annoying cat of all, unless you count the cat who sits on the newspaper while you are trying to read it, or the one that parades round the house as if it were the child you never had, and thinks it is it, or the one who considers Downton rubbish. (Newspaper Cat, Parading Cat and Downton Cat are slated for launch early next year, and available in both dry and wet; if you are unsure your cat considers Downton rubbish check with your vet.)

And we are, of course, also working on Wheelie Bin Cat, for the cat who is randomly dumped in a wheelie bin by a passer-by, and Snatched Cat for the cat who is snatched by your lover's jealous wife, and if your cat is snatched and then dumped into a wheelie bin, you could always feed one in the morning and the other later, while asking yourself if cat-ownership is really worth the trouble. And that's it, although do always remember this: never feed your cat More Inside Than Outside if it is more outside than inside, as feeding a cat outside food when it is more inside can lead to diarrhoea, vomiting and even death.