Middle Class Problems: Open-home viewings can feel a bit like grown-up school trip... and why is everyone so furtive?

(Corbis)

House-hunting is manic. Competition is fierce and if you don't act quickly, you lose.

So there you are, on endless Saturday mornings, trawling the open-homes circuit, hangover in tow. It can feel a bit like grown-up school trip – crowds of you being ticked off at the door by the estate agent with a clipboard.

Ushered inside, couple after couple size each other up, whispering about the state of the cornicing and whether the fireplace is original. Why is everyone so furtive? God forbid your thoughts on the Elephant's Breath paintwork be overheard.

Quickly you encounter the problem of one estate agent spread thinly across too many prospective buyers. Perhaps she could tell you more about that second bathroom if Fenella and Miles from Tufnell Park could stop cornering her, rabbiting on about planning permission.

It feels odd, all of you being in competition while doing something so intimate as imagining your future life. And how you judge the current owner's taste, silently noting how not to do your kitchen counters, yet admiring the arrangement of the serene Scandi furniture.

Chances are you won't end up buying this place – someone else will (somehow) make a cash offer, or there'll be subsidence – which makes this something more of a home-maker's safari. And in the end, you have to be thankful for this collective experience of property window-shopping, because, Miles, Fenella and all, it will serve nicely as future dinner-party fodder at your future dream home, wherever that might be.