Jeremy Corbyn's Labour doesn't deserve any wins in the local elections - just look at what the Tories have done for us

Welcome to Tory Britain, where the business secretary is considering bringing in a law to help waitresses keep their tips but you don’t qualify for the living wage or housing benefit until you’re over 25

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn leaves after delivering a speech at The Clarence Centre for Enterprise & Innovation on May 3 (Getty)

Welcome to Tory Britain, where everyone is doing fine. Parents are keeping their kids home from school this week because, like the teachers who backed a ballot on strike action at the NUT conference last month, they’re not very happy about a new culture of testing and turning all the schools into academies. But it’s all just playground politics in the end, isn’t it?

And yes, it does all seem very similar to the recent junior doctors’ strikes – those strikes which were supported by 58 per cent of the public – but let’s skim over that. 58 per cent of the public may have backed the junior doctors taking action, but do you know all the lyrics to the national anthem? And yes, a woman may have written publicly about her daughter dying in hospital at the end of the strikes, and how she wouldn’t allow Jeremy Hunt to use her death as a stick with which to beat the doctors who worked tirelessly to try to save her life, but for God’s sake have you seen the suit that Jeremy Corbyn’s wearing?

Welcome to Tory Britain, where everyone’s terrified of the hard-left Corbyn and his radical friend Sadiq but nobody’s worried about the fact that the gap between the lifespans of rich and poor people is widening for the first time since the 1870s. Equality can be achieved by shaking up the benefits system, after all – it’s Labour who wanted people trapped in a cycle of welfare dependency. And yes, OK, technically it’s true that the Resolution Foundation this week found the government’s flagship benefit reform, Universal Credit, has “serious design flaws” and “risks being reduced to little more than a very complicated vehicle for cutting the benefits bill”. And yes, the 49 secret investigations carried out by the DWP into the suicides of benefits claimants after they had their funds removed might make for sobering reading. But these things happen, and what’s important is economic progress.

Fine, I’ll concede that economic progress isn’t exactly a Conservative strong point. George Osborne did fail to deliver on a lot of the key targets he set himself in the Budget, but Corbyn probably didn’t even celebrate Princess Charlotte’s first birthday, so that shows how much he cares about Britain. Bleeding heart liberals would have it that you shouldn’t cut the top rate of tax while penalising the disabled but the public know that Cameron ultimately, ultimately has its best interests at heart, and that’s what matters.

Sure, if you want to split hairs, you might argue that it’s a disgrace 25 per cent of mortgages are now funded by “the bank of Mum and Dad” – in other words, wealthy parents giving their children hefty deposits in order to get a foot on the housing ladder. News that parents are set to lend their darlings £5bn this year, and that if their spending power was combined they’d qualify as a top 10 mortgage lender, might sound bad when there’s a housing crisis in full swing. But you know what else sounds bad? Terrorism. And that’s what will happen if we let Labour into power.

Welcome to Tory Britain, where the business secretary is considering bringing in a law to help waitresses keep their tips but you don’t qualify for the living wage or housing benefit until you’re over 25. You might have heard that most under-25s who claimed housing support were parents (mostly single mothers) rather than graduates living it up in gilded mansions and spending all their welfare money on diesel for their Aston Martins. But why take the risk? Prevention is, after all, better than cure.

Welcome to Tory Britain, where Labour should face huge losses in the local elections this week. And why wouldn’t they? There’s no need for an alternative – no need at all - when everyone is doing fine.