Who could have guessed that Donald Trump could be sexist and uncouth in his fifties? We all make mistakes in our youth

To Trump’s credit, though it was expected that once he won the nomination he’d abandon his rough style and aim to appear more statesmanlike, he’s avoided that trap and stayed true to himself – even heading the other way. So there must be more to look forward to yet

Donald Trump is facing accusations about his treatment of women as historic video footage emerges[scald=4951776:sdl_editor_representation] (Getty)

This is the state the world’s in: we’re cautiously relieved Donald Trump looks as if he won’t become the President of America.

It’s as if millions of people are gasping: “Excellent news! That bloke who sits on the bench in the park screaming at women, ‘come here you bitch so I can lick my Special Brew off your arse. Of course it don’t taste like it used to ‘cos extra-strong lager has to be halal now or the MUSLIMS will blow up that see-saw… now look what the Mexicans have done, they’ve made me wet myself, I’m going to make them dry my crotch with a tea towel and who’s going to pay for the tea towel – THEY are’, is now only backed by 40 per cent of the population to be the most powerful man on the planet.”

The film released this week shows Trump growling how he likes to grab women “by the pussy”, because he can get away with anything as he’s famous. But the trick of Trump’s campaign is this made little difference because no one was surprised.

If a film revealed Philip Hammond saying, “I always grab Nicky Morgan’s breasts before a Cabinet meeting, the birds let you do that once you’re Chancellor of the Exchequer” to a laughing Ed Miliband, most people would probably say “Well I didn’t expect that!” and the pair of them would look a bit sheepish for a couple of weeks. But with Trump it’s no more of a shock than if footage was released of Lance Armstrong taking a Nurofen for a queasy tummy.

Trump was able to dismiss this latest trip as “locker room banter”, because this is the sort of thing said in any locker room. At the East Surrey mixed doubles over-45s badminton evening, for example, they all run on court growling “let’s go grab some pussy. Come here Ms Armitage, I’m famous in Dorking for organising violin recitals so let me do what I want.” And surely we haven’t become so politically correct that famous people have to ask permission before grabbing a woman’s pussy?

I think the point he was making is that famous people are busy, having to appear in all those TV shows, and they don’t have as much time to make enquiries before having a grab, the way non-famous people do. The way we’re going, with all these regulations, famous people will give up grabbing pussies altogether. And then where will we be?

One solution to avoid future difficulties could be a fame chart, showing what a celebrity is allowed to grab for each layer of success. So a pussy is reasonable for Trump or the Dalai Lama, but Olly Murs or Vince Cable can only go for a nipple, with just a buttock squeeze allowed for lesser-known figures such as Keith Chegwin or the Bishop of Durham.

Many of Donald Trump’s supporters explained the incident by pointing out that this banter took place 11 years ago. And to be fair we must remember that back in 2005 it was socially acceptable to grab women by the pussy. In any case, he was only 58 back then, so it’s unfair to judge someone by their behaviour in their youth. We all do daft things when we’re 58 and we can see how deeply he regrets the sort of language he used back then, because now he’s become such a sensitive soul, almost too feminist for his own good.

As his team said in his defence, he’s from a different generation brought up with different values. If you were brought up in the 1950s, is it any wonder you make up stories about Muslims celebrating 9/11 and refer to your own daughter as “a great piece of ass”?

This was before the days when everyone had television, so for entertainment the family would sit round the piano singing classic old tunes such as “there goes my daughter, diving in the water, what a lass, a piece of ass, any real man oughta”.

Now many Republicans such as John McCain and Condoleezza Rice are deserting Trump. It must have come as such a shock to them that he’s turned out to be a little on the sexist side and somewhat uncouth. Up until now he’s seemed like such a polite young man.

They were willing to stick with him during his moderate phase, when he was proposing considered policies such as banning all Muslims from the US and jailing any woman who had an abortion. And when Muslim parents of a soldier killed in action in Iraq criticised him, he responded by condemning them for being Muslims.

What possible clue could there have been, back then when Trump was in this cuddly phase, that at some point he might emerge as a figure of embarrassment?

To Trump’s credit, though it was expected that once he won the nomination he’d abandon his rough style and aim to appear more statesmanlike, he’s avoided that trap and stayed true to himself – even heading the other way. So there must be more to look forward to yet.

In the last TV debate he’ll announce that he’s sick of talking about healthcare and demand Hillary Clinton has a naked mud wrestle with Oprah Winfrey.

And why shouldn’t he stick to his ideals? It proves how much of an anti-establishment figure he really is. The only reason he’s under attack is because he speaks for all downtrodden billionaires with only one tower named after themselves in New York, who for too long have had to endure the tyranny of not boasting too loud about grabbing women’s pussies.