How to avoid being a Karen — even when you really, really want to

I know how you feel. I, too, look like the target market for L.L. Bean’s 'Heritage Washed Shirt in Twill Plaid' and always want to speak to the manager

'I, too, have been known to wear chunky blonde highlights' (Portra / iStock)

I’m a cisgender white woman with two children, and sometimes I even sport a wedge haircut with chunky blonde highlights. I run the risk of being branded a smug, entitled Karen. Oh, how I try not do anything on-brand for a Karen, though! Karen — the monolithic catch-all term for the white woman who thinks she’s owed something — is extraordinarily commonplace, it would seem, judging from social media. Karen is not my role model. So I try not to emulate her ways. Such activities include: not tattling on (rather than confronting) my neighbors; not being bossy toward strangers; not taking offense over the smallest of encounters.

One Karen move, though, that is hard for me to abandon is asking to speak with a manager. I love a good manager chat! In fact, I always have. Even as a child, I loved writing to politicians, company executives, and editors of my favorite magazines to express my concerns. In a capitalist economy, we are taught that we vote with our dollars. I’ve always enjoyed casting my vote both with my correspondence. The pen is mightier than the sword, don’t you know! I think writing To Whom It May Concern made me feel important as a young person, partly because I liked receiving a response from Crayola Headquarters that usually included some manner of stickers.

Now that I am no longer motivated by sticker packets in the mail, if I take time to cast a vote, whether for a restaurant or a state senator’s seat, I take my role as a consumer and voter seriously. Still, I know I must carefully chart my course. I am both fully vested in the Black Lives Matter movement and I also look like the target market for L.L. Bean’s “Heritage Washed Shirt in Twill Plaid.” I consider myself an ally, politically and socially, to all people of color, and am married to a Korean immigrant to this country. But I have bathed in far too much privilege to remain obtuse about how I must comport myself when expressing concerns to management.

Here are some ways I have learned to Speak to a Manager Without Being a Karen:

Don’t reserve tete-a-tetes for complaints

Whenever we receive exceptional service, particularly when we are with our children, I ask to speak with a manager so that I can convey my highest compliments. I have seen the anguish wash over an employee’s face, though, when they perceive that a Karen wants to file a grievance. So I usually say, “I’d love to share with your manager about our wonderful experience today. Are they available?”

Look at any Yelp or Google review and it’s clear that patrons often take to the internet to levy their displeasure far more often than their pleasure. I’d love to be a part of the tidal wave that changes this. I believe everyone, whether business owner or employee, benefits from sincere validation, even from a Karen.

Have beef? Give it a day

I recently hired a pet grooming service that came to my house. The service was not cheap, and my dog is not exactly chill about meeting new people, so the experience started out rather rocky. The technician was not communicative in a way that was helpful to me or my dog. I recognize that the previous sentence is one of the most Karen-sounding of all time. However, since the service is a growing franchise and I had already been in touch with the owner, I thought some feedback on the non-communicative employee might be helpful.

Again, I know the prior sentences flirts dangerously with Karen territory. Instead of lobbing a complaint or withholding a tip from the employee, though, I kept with my policy of waiting a day to consider my experience in totality. I actually waited a couple of days before texting the owner: “I’d love to share feedback from a satisfied customer. Do you have time for a chat?” When speaking by phone, I was able to lead with the positives from the experience and to commend the business owner for providing a service that made my life easier. I also mentioned that as a new client, it would have been helpful if the technician had been more communicative with me upfront. I learned from the business owner that the tech is painfully shy but will warm up after some minutes of getting to know a client and their pet. I was glad to know this about the technician so that as a client, I can be sensitive while appreciating the excellent service provided. I’m not sure I would have learned all this from firing off an e-mail or leaving an online review. Taking the old school approach to speaking with the manager required listening, as well. That seems to be a major oversight of Karens. They want to do all the talking.

Let it go

I’m not an apologist for Karens, but I do wonder if they’ve all taken to heart Homeland Security’s edict of “See something, say something” that pervades our post-9/11 culture. So many Karens seem emboldened by a charge to confront everything that seems a little off or off-putting. I wonder why the Karens who go viral, including Barbecue Becky and Kroger Karen, seem incapable of not engaging. They appear to have no ability to take a deep breath, assess a situation rightly, and to ascertain what role is appropriate for them to play in the situation as a private citizen. We never know how someone will react; the only thing we can control is our own behavior. Karens gain notorious steam when they spin out of control.

So, where is the point of no return? Where do Karens lose their ability to see something, say something, and then ease on down the road? I think all Americans should feel empowered to exercise their right to free speech, but I would argue it takes practice in exercising that freedom in a measured way.

We do not learn to be a good swimmer without first learning the strokes. We do not learn to run a marathon without first having run a mile. So, to the citizens among us who cannot help but to see and say something, start small. Don’t try to take on Goliath with your one slingshot if you’ve never used a slingshot before. Learn the baby steps toward creating social change before you foment your own crusade.

Karen, you saw something. You said something. The internet heard you. Now please go put your mask back on and shelter in place. It’s both the least and most any of us can do right now.

Kendra Stanton Lee is a humanities professor in Boston. Follow her on Twitter @Kendraspondence