Exam pressure sent me into a downward spiral – I don't want other children's mental health to suffer

Sitting in exams with disordered thoughts racing through my head I struggled to concentrate as I tried to keep out the guilt and anxiety I felt as a result of my eating disorder

Many young people experience high stress levels due to the burden of academic expectation (PA)

Possible trigger warning: eating disorders

In the summer of 2015 I was admitted to Newbridge House, a clinic for treating people with eating disorders. I was there because the deceptive illness anorexia nervosa had snuck into my life and consumed all aspects of fun and happiness – leaving me lonely and vulnerable. But my story doesn’t start with a hospital admission. I am more than my illness, so allow me to take you back to younger Lily’s life.

Back then, I was a competitive rower, a Scout, a hockey player, an athlete, an A* student and a helper at our local youth group. I thrived off competition and doing well and it was invigorating – until it turned toxic.

Throughout Year 9 my mental health deteriorated significantly, to the extent that I transformed from a lively, bubbly, hardworking 14-year-old, to a robot-like, exercise- and food-obsessed, ill girl. I was unable to process any thoughts other than those related to food.

Due to a lack of NHS funding, it was only after my physical health reached a point where it was deemed “critical enough” that I received the support I needed to return to both a healthy mental and physical state.

I was admitted to Newbridge House on 17 August 2015 and remained in its care until 27 January 2016 – well into Year 10.

For the following year I stayed fairly well. However, as GCSEs approached and my anxiety towards the need to achieve academic perfection became evermore present, I began to neglect the precious, irreplaceable thing that is mental health. (I know now this is something I cannot afford to do, but I assure you that doesn’t make it any easier: each day is a battle, a choice between my illness or me.)

With two weeks to go before my first exam, I was threatened with a second inpatient admission. Terrified yet helpless, I carried on and tried to dig myself out of this pit of despair.

Somehow, and to this day I really don’t know how, I dragged myself up to a healthier physical state. My mental health, however, remained an entirely different story.

Sitting in exams with disordered thoughts racing through my head I struggled to concentrate as I tried to keep out the guilt and anxiety I felt as a result of my eating disorder. I distinctly remember sitting in my English GCSE and blocking out the thoughts of what I’d eaten at break as I tried to answer the questions and recall quotes correctly.

Although the pressures I felt to perform well in my exams stemmed from myself, it’s likely our broader culture of prioritising academic achievement over well being influenced my burning desire to do well. I may have been predisposed to the debilitating illness for other reasons but the scary thing is that all it took to trigger this downwards spiral was the feeling that I needed to be the best – at everything.

But, while this may be my story, I’m not writing this out of vanity. I know that others have had similar experiences. Research has found a quarter of 14-year-old girls and 10 per cent of boys report feeling depressed. And some of these young people will go on to develop eating disorders. I want this to change. I want to prevent more people like me from developing these life threatening illnesses.

From early childhood we’re taught that whatever we do can always be improved: that it’s never quite right and we should always strive for better. It’s a common classroom technique, to tell pupils what they could do better; “two stars and a wish” sounding familiar? And sure, sometimes we do need to improve things.

But, would it really be that criminal to turn around and say, “Yes, you nailed it! Well done.” And let these young children feel proud of the work they’ve poured hours into. Because maybe, just maybe, accepting the work done by children as good enough, rather than pushing them for perfection, will prevent them from developing that burning need I felt – and still feel – to achieve 100 per cent all the time.

After all, that may be the difference between developing a deadly illness or not.

I’ve made a petition calling on the government to adapt the education system in a way that will lower student anxiety whilst saving NHS funds, because, as statistics show, the numbers of adolescents developing mental illnesses continues to climb. That affects both individuals and wider society, given the knock on effects for our heath service.

We need to put a stop to it.

We cannot allow more people to go through what I’ve been through. Innocent children deserve to spend their childhoods making happy memories; not calorie counting, comparing themselves to others or feeling so much fear over eating that they tell their mothers they’d rather die.

Mental illnesses don’t discriminate so even if you’re not working for change for yourself, do it for others.

For information and support visit:
mind.org.uk
beateatingdisorders.org.uk
nhs.uk/livewell/mentalhealth
mentalhealth.org.uk
samaritans.org

Lily’s petition is at: petition.parliament.uk/petitions/217464