The Top 10: More Twitter Jokes

‘To drive an HGV in France you need to pass your Backalorryup.’ (Moose Allain.) And 10 more...

John Rentoul
Saturday 05 November 2016 11:40
Dull Gret leading an army of women to pillage Hell, by Pieter Bruegel the Elder, 1562
Dull Gret leading an army of women to pillage Hell, by Pieter Bruegel the Elder, 1562

I am away this week, so I leave you with a round-up of recent childish, silly and occasionally slightly amusing uses of the popular micro-blogging website.

1. There’s a special place in Hell for people who pay for Hell Premium™. Joerobinow

2. I went to the barbers yesterday for some highlights… he just showed me a video of his favourite haircuts. Neil

3. “The Clintons bumped into the Queen at the Guggenheim museum in Spain.”


“No, he panicked and curtsied.” Moose Allain

4. Me: I’ll see you in a month.

Wife: Don’t forget to write.

Me: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon. Marty Lawrence

5. Uninspired Yorkshire artists have periods of draw-nowt suffering. Tom Freeman

6. To join Poets’ Mensa you need a very good haiku. Moose Allain

7. I don’t like The Pobble Who Has No Toes, because I’m lack-toes intolerant. ‏Tom Hamilton’s wife

8. Goofy and I came second to Scooby Doo and Friends in a cartoon singing contest yesterday. We’d have won it if it wasn’t for those medleying kids. Glenny Rodge

9. All mushrooms are edible, but some only once. ‏Croatian proverb, via Mary Novakovich

10. Tortoise: Beer?

Turtle: Just tea, thanks.

Tortoise: Wine?

Turtle: No, tea please.

Tortoise: Sure?

Turtle: Yes I’m [turns to camera] Tea Turtle. Moose Allain

I have done a Top 10 Jokes of 2015, a Top 10 Twitter Jokes, and a Top 10 Moose Allain Jokes before, if you want more.

Next week: punk Songs, because punk is 40 years old this year

Coming soon: phrases from adverts, such as “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”, from a Listerine advert in 1925

Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, From Politics to Pop, is available as an e-book for £3.79. Your suggestions, and ideas for future Top 10s, in the comments please, or to me on Twitter, or by email to

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