Vine, winning and song: Tom McRae takes aim at the Tories... but who is in the audience?

Jeremy Vine's companion got more than he bargained for at an album launch show

McRae said he wouldn't have softened the invective had he known Craig Oliver was in the audience (Getty Images)

How’s this for a “pop and politics don’t mix” story? After a recent launch show for his new album, the singer-songwriter Tom McRae’s sister handed out a free copy of the excellent Did I Sleep and Miss the Border? to the BBC’s Jeremy Vine, who was in the audience. Not wishing to appear rude, McRae’s sister also gave Vine’s companion a copy. No problem, except said companion was Craig Oliver, David Cameron’s head of communications, and McRae had spent the best part of the night slating the Government from the stage.

What, precisely, is McRae’s beef? “Aside from disagreeing spiritually, politically and ideologically with everything Cameron stands for, I also have a severely physically disabled sister whose life has been made hell over the past few years,” he tells me. But would he have softened the invective had he known Oliver was in the audience? “Now that the Labour Party is effectively dead, it’s up to artists to be the official opposition, so [had I known he was there] I’d have probably gone further,” he says.

But what must it have felt like on the receiving end? Vine tells me: “Craig and I are very old friends and I thought he needed a bit of decompression after the election so I took him to a gig. McRae (top right) was outstanding but seems to have been upset with the election result. Credit to Craig, he remained inscrutable, although I thought he did turn slightly pale. I also thought that if someone recognised him I might have to help him through the nearest window. Next time I’ve promised him Spandau Ballet. Much less political.”

Oliver’s only comment on the matter? “Sometimes the Devil really does have all the best tunes.”

Craig Oliver 'turned slightly pale' during the show (Getty)

Pipe dreams

This week’s “ice to the Eskimos” award goes to Claus Reiss, a 37-year-old Danish comedian who is about to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe in a show called The Return of the Danish Bagpipe Comedian. Reiss bills himself as “the only bagpipe-playing comedian in Europe”, which suggests there might be others elsewhere. In the interests of investigative journalism, I inquire about the competition.

“Well,” he says, “the other bagpipe comedian is from Canada, so you could say that we have split up our territories. We have never met or even talked on the phone and, to be honest, I’m not sure if he knows that I exist. It could be interesting to talk to him one day, though, we could discuss such topics as ‘Do you also have hearing problems?’. Seriously, even though we play the same instrument in our act, our comedy styles are very different.”

How fascinating, and what is this other gentleman’s name? “Oh, he’s called Johnny Bagpipes,” Reiss says, “but I don’t know if that’s his birth name. If so, he must have been destined to play that instrument.”

The new staycation

Thirty years on from the release of Jaws, and it seems that it’s still not safe to go back in the water. Last week, alongside endless red-top stories about the South American “testicle eating” pacu fish having found its way into the world’s waters, there was the lesser-reported scientific finding which suggests that the thing in swimming pools that makes your eyes go red is not chlorine, as previously thought, but urine. Fancy a dip?

The pacu problem, at least, can be solved by a visit to one of the “urban beaches” that have been popping up in our city centres for the past few years. This week sees the opening of the Westway Beach, the National Trust’s “visual spectacle with all the fun of the seaside”, in west London (inset centre); while on 10 July “London’s biggest urban beach” opens in the car park of the Brent Cross Shopping Centre.

Sun, sand, shopping, minimal travel and no threat of anything nibbling my testicles. Guess where we’re going for our holiday this year, kids.

Dictionary corner

A reader writes in to say, “Fo’ shizzle your column on Sunday will have a piece on the Oxford English Dictionary’s 500 new words.” Not wishing to disappoint, but with a slightly “meh” feeling about the whole new-words thing, I contact the OED to ask if the internet has increased the number of neologisms they find themselves adding. In other words, are even the editors of the OED struggling to keep up with the quirks and twerks (inset below) of the English language? “Computers and social media are some of the most productive areas in terms of generating and popularising new words,” says senior editor Denny Hilton. “But you could compare them to broadcasting in the mid-20th century, or automotive technology before that.”

There’s nothing like compiling a dictionary to give you the long view.

No rhyme or reason

Another in a regular series of limericks based on recent events:

If your launch needs a bit of a lift,

And you’ve been criticised for your thrift,

With your conscience don’t grapple,

Just cave in like Apple,

Cos you don’t want a rift with La Swift.

Twitter: @simmyrichman