I can't do one-liners to save my life FHM asked me to do some for an issue. But some were libellous and some too rude to use, so the rubbish ones made it through. One guy tweeted me. "I've just read your jokes in FHM; I've read better on the back of a Penguin wrapper." And that's why my stand-up is all about personal stories and anecdotes.
I don't need to do rowdy gigs any more There was one venue in Newcastle called the Hyena, which is notorious, and I finally got booked for it a few years ago. It was a nightmare stag and hen crowd who had been drinking heavily for more than three hours before we started. Then you come on and burst their bubble that they're not the centre of attention any more, and it gets rough.
I get bored on set [Ramsey is currently appearing in the second series of BBC TV comedy series Hebburn.] I'm not an actor, I'm a stand-up, so the 12-hour days are hard to get used to. During the filming of the first series I found a skateboard and started skating around the studio in between takes. The producers would chase me down the corridors shouting, "Stop it, we're not insured!" I found an electric wheelchair to mess around with for series two. One of the producers said, "You're like a five-year-old child!"
I'm the only person to have been banned from 'Soccer AM' [the raucous chat show on Sky]. I got chucked off after I said something a bit naughty [about a Twitter "trolling" incident]. It was the sort of thing you would never say on Blue Peter, but this was a laddish show and a grey area – but I misjudged the crowd. It's what my new stand-up show is about: moments in life when things backfire and you feel a fool.
Twitter is where my off-cuttings go Sometimes I get tweets saying, "Why aren't you putting any good jokes on?" And I really want to reply, "If you're a decorator, why don't you come paint my house for free?" I'm a stand-up, and I'm not going to put all my jokes on Twitter for free; come see us live!
I am not an alpha male by any stretch My dad was round my house the other day to put down tiles in my kitchen for me. I was helping out and I had loads of grouting and adhesive on my hands. My girlfriend came in and I held up my hands and said to her, "Look at me!" I was so happy. But she was like, "Oh, well done, you think you've done a proper day's manly work do you?"
I hate people who get up early and brag about it I got woken up the other day by a guy delivering a hamper to my house. The doorbell went at 8am so I opened the door, half-asleep, and he was like, "Woke you up, have I? It's the middle of the day!" And I was like, "No… it's the middle of your day." It really pissed me off, as he had this smug look on his face.
My constant tidying makes my girlfriend furious I'm a really fast eater, too, so when my girlfriend and I are having dinner together in the kitchen, I'll finish first, and though she's still eating, I'll get up and start tidying away the plates and loading the dishwasher. The other day I even lifted up the plate she was eating off, to wipe down the table; I was like, "Don't spill anything else now." She was so cross.
Call centres drive me insane Half the time there's nothing but idiots on the other end of the line, who can't deal with your query properly as they're too busy playing Angry Birds or Doodle Jump.
Chris Ramsey, 27, is a comedian. He is touring his stand-up show 'The Most Dangerous Man on Saturday Morning Television' to 21 March (chrisramseycomedy.com). The second series of 'Hebburn' is on BBC2 on Tuesdays at 10pm