Welcome to the Edinburgh Bragging Festival, I hope you like telling everyone how excellent you are! The first thing to do is hang pictures of your brilliant face everywhere, but much bigger than your actual face, so that everyone can see from 500 yards how brilliant your face is (who knew there was that much Photoshop in the world?) Next, collect as many stars as you can and plaster your face and your Twitter feed with them in a row. Now, we can all start getting jealous of each other!
But while sibling rivalry is a survival trait, as we compete for the food our parents can provide, STARS AREN’T A FINITE RESOURCE! They’re discovering new ones all the time! And anyone can buy them and name them! If you don’t like feeling envious, there are sensible ways of coping. Like whenever someone tells you about a good review, tell them it’s your birthday! If one of your peers tells you about a great gig they had, you tell them you had sex with a famous person! And on the day of the nominations (yes that’s right, this Festival is so competitive there is also actually a competition), if your name ISN’T read out, loudly announce your pregnancy (with little baby ‘Heineken’).
But if you really don’t like being jealous, you’d better avoid my show because it is so good you will wish that you wrote it and were in it.
Sara Pascoe - The Musical! Assembly George Square, to 27 August (0131 623 3030)
Holly Burn: The H Club. I’m in awe of Holly, she’s crazy fun and ballsy and has very original writing. I love all of her characters, but especially the woman who can't stop buying zoos. And Claudia O’Doherty: The Telescope. Claudia is the funniest person I’ve ever seen. Her jokes fly from every angle and nestle inside each other like Russian dolls. She’s incredible.