Patriot games, pop and purple prose
No 151: TANGO
Sunday 27 October 1996
Roy Gardner, spokesperson for Tango, a tall, plump suburban sales-manager type in a tower-block office, seems rational as he explains that Sebastian, a French-exchange student, has written criticising new Blackcurrant Tango. But then mounting chauvinist hysteria takes over as Roy marches through his office. "What do you know Sebastian, you're a French-exchange student, all hair gel and fancy loafers, when did you last get up at 4am for something you believe in?"
He's joined by the bearded nerd who's spent three years developing Blackcurrant Tango. As they leave the building, Roy starts throwing off his light-grey polyester-wool-mix suit and the maroon-striped cotton-rich shirt, to emerge in long blackcurrant-coloured shorts. Roy displays a patriotic body of a kind never normally seen in TV commercials: white, with a proudly cantilevered beer-belly and two pendulous crescent breastettes. British as they come, the Roy Gardner body speaks for pork pies, British lager, and full-cream dairy products. It defies gymnasia and sunbathing.
The landscape this little group marches into is a green battlefield, a bit Rob Roy, a bit Braveheart. And as Roy marches, he's joined by hordes with blackcurrant banners pouring over the hillsides. And still they come.
Roy gets a blackcurrant boxer's gown as he strides towards a boxing-ring which, as the camera pulls up and away, appears to be at the edge of the white cliffs of Dover: "Come on Sebastian, come on France." Three Harrier Jump-Jets take off vertically behind him.
Should it be allowed - playing so shamelessly to little Darren's hatred of Frenchmen and students? But it's a simply brilliant launch.
There’s revolution in the air, but one lady’s not for turningTV
Robin Thicke admits he didn't write 'Blurred Lines'music
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 iOS 8 apps and features: eight iPhone settings you need to look at after you install the update
- 2 Kim Kardashian 'nude photos' leaked on 4chan weeks after Jennifer Lawrence scandal
- 3 'F*ck it, I quit': TV reporter Charlo Greene quits live on air in spectacular fashion
- 4 Scotland could still declare independence – even without referendum, says Alex Salmond
- 5 Hitler’s former food taster reveals the horrors of the Wolf’s Lair
Cilla, episode 2, ITV, review: Sheridan Smith continues to shine as the young singer
Downton Abbey series 5, episode 1, ITV, review: There’s revolution in the air, but one lady’s not for turning
Foo Fighters: Live 2015 tour dates announced for Sonic Highways
Free U2 album: How the most generous giveaway in music history turned PR disaster
Top Gear to launch in France after Jeremy Clarkson banned from driving on roads
Scotland could still declare independence – even without referendum, says Alex Salmond
Scottish referendum results: Cross-party consensus collapses amid Tory-Labour spat on the 'English question'
Hilary Mantel 'should be investigated by police' over Margaret Thatcher assassination story, says Lord Bell
Scottish independence: David Cameron is becoming the 'George Bush of Britain'
Plebgate MP Andrew Mitchell called officer a 'little s**t', claim court documents 'exposing ex-Chief Whip's 'record of abusing police'
Archbishop of Canterbury admits doubts about existence of God