ROCK / Lyric Sheets: White-label Christmas: Carols for a rock'n'roll Yule

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my record company

Sent . . .

Twelve drummers filling

Eleven ravers chilling

Ten lawyers ligging

Nine roadies rigging

Eight agents phoning

Seven sponsors moaning

Six compliment'ries

Five go-ld discs

Four call girls

Three yes men

Two purple drugs

And some garbage about my CD

AWAY WITH A MAJOR

Away with a major

No gig for his cred

Disgruntled George Michael

Lays on his neat bed

The stars on his Hi-Fi

Play on MiniDisc

A court case now looming

With millions at risk

HARK THE HERALD AGENTS SING

Hark the herald agents sing

Glory to the Next Big Thing

Slot it in for Friday's Word

Bands of whom you've never heard

Catapulted out of limbo

Terry Christian and some bimbo

Serve to make you glad you stayed

Nicely out of fashion's way

Hark the herald agents sing

Next year's Elvis comes from Tring

Christ, by highest heav'n I'm bored

And, besides, I can't afford

In recession to keep buying

All these things 'the kidz' are trying

Bands the NME espouses

Let alone their stupid trousers

Drinks and drugs with silly names

And of course those video games

Hark the Herald Agents Sing

This year's Seal is next year's Bing

HIP KING WENCESLAS

Hip King Wenceslas looked mean

Temper far from even

'Bloody Cliff and bloody Queen

Bloody Shakin' Stevens

Same old brain rot every Yule

Saturation airplay

Interspersed with DJ drool

Only thing they dare play.

'Hither Page let's both get monged

Rip this joint and cruise now

Maybe catch some indy band

Gazing at their shoes now.'

In the end they found a place

Though the time was draggin'

Doormen knew the Page's face

So they got to blag in

Raddled band with loud guitars

Slightly rasping vocals

'Hey, these blokes could end up stars

Tell me - are they locals?'

'No sire, I'm afraid they're not

Though the club is pokey

This band is Keith Richards' lot

Keeping matters low-key.'

SACK THE FALL

Sack the Fall and PiL, by golly

Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah

Time for record comp'ny folly

Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah

All the joy that Yule can foster

Fa-la-lah, fa-la-lah, lah lah lah

Trim the deadwood from the roster

Fa la-la-la-lah, la-lah lah lah

WHILE ROCKERS SCHLEP THEIR STOCKS ALL NIGHT

While rockers watched their step all night

And rumour did abound

An A&R man came backstage

And liked what he had found

'Fear not,' said he, 'I've done my sums

I am your biggest fan

With certain changes here and there

We'll break you in Japan

'I love the raw guitars and beat

A basic, honest sound

I'll call a good producer in

And change it all around

'With horns and strings and sampled drums

A change of clothes and hair

Some girlie vocals, different name

I'll have you almost there.'

Thus spake the prat and in 12 months

A turkey had been born

And what had been a decent band

Was now held up in scorn.

All glory be to A&R

And to the drug cocaine

Which makes the average seem divine

And keeps pop songs inane.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Chvrches lead singer Lauren Mayberry in the band's new video 'Leave a Trace'

music
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Home on the raunch: George Bisset (Aneurin Barnard), Lady Seymour Worsley (Natalie Dormer) and Richard Worsley (Shaun Evans)

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Strictly Come Dancing was watched by 6.9m viewers

Strictly
Arts and Entertainment
NWA biopic Straight Outta Compton

film
Arts and Entertainment
Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell and Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister in Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
New book 'The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep' by Carl-Johan Forssen Ehrlin

books
Arts and Entertainment
Calvi is not afraid of exploring the deep stuff: loneliness, anxiety, identity, reinvention
music
Arts and Entertainment
Edinburgh solo performers Neil James and Jessica Sherr
comedy
Arts and Entertainment
If a deal to buy tBeats, founded by hip-hop star Dr Dre (pictured) and music producer Jimmy Iovine went through, it would be Apple’s biggest ever acquisition

album review
Arts and Entertainment
Paloma Faith is joining The Voice as a new coach

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Dowton Abbey has been pulling in 'telly tourists', who are visiting Highclere House in Berkshire

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Patriot games: Vic Reeves featured in ‘Very British Problems’
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
film review
Arts and Entertainment
Summer nights: ‘Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp’
TVBut what do we Brits really know about them?
Arts and Entertainment
Dr Michael Mosley is a game presenter

TV review
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

    Orthorexia nervosa

    How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
    Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

    Lady Chatterley’s Lover

    Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

    Set a pest to catch a pest

    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests
    Mexico: A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life

    The dark side of Mexico

    A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life
    Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde. Don't tell other victims it was theirs

    Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde

    Please don't tell other victims it was theirs
    A nap a day could save your life - and here's why

    A nap a day could save your life

    A midday nap is 'associated with reduced blood pressure'
    If men are so obsessed by sex, why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?

    If men are so obsessed by sex...

    ...why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?
    The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3

    Jon Thoday and Richard Allen-Turner

    The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3
    The bathing machine is back... but with a difference

    Rolling in the deep

    The bathing machine is back but with a difference
    Part-privatised tests, new age limits, driverless cars: Tories plot motoring revolution

    Conservatives plot a motoring revolution

    Draft report reveals biggest reform to regulations since driving test introduced in 1935
    The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

    The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

    Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
    House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

    The honours that shame Britain

    Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
    When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

    'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

    Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
    International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

    International Tap Festival comes to the UK

    Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
    War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

    Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

    Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border