Last Night's Viewing: The Apprentice, BBC1
Evidently...John Cooper Clarke, BBC4

 

I'd love to see the shooting schedule for the Apprentice second unit crew. After eight series, the rhetorical flourishes in the programme have become so predictable now that you feel they could film all the nuts and bolts with which the narrative is held together in a single busy day. So 10.00 to 10.30 would be spent on Karen Head Shakes and another half an hour after that on Nick's Wincing and Brow Furrowing.

Neither of these canonical reaction shots need necessarily be captured on the hoof during the actual challenges, just recorded in bulk at some point and spliced in whenever the production team need to point out a particularly stupid decision. After that, you could spend some time on Back of Cab Silent Look Exchanges, an all-important grace note that lets us know that the two team members who are present think the one who isn't is a dipstick (Note to director: Please ensure that the phone is held at all times in the approved About to Eat a Kit Kat posture). Then you could do some Boardroom Head Swivels, very handy for underlining those moments when Lord Sugar's been particularly acerbic, rack up a mixed bag of the Losers' Café Shuffle (one shot everyone looking gutted, one shot of someone saying how gutted they feel), and, before wrapping for the day, make sure you've got a couple of Hostage to Fortune phrases in the can. Last night it was Adam, confidently announcing, "There is no way on the planet that it will be me that goes tomorrow. No. Way."

You won't need me to tell you who went. He was dispatched, I suspect, because of a conspicuous nervous collapse during the pitch for his luxury confectionary brand: his throat closed up, his hands shook and what tenuous commercial logic had ever existed evaporated completely. At an earlier stage of the game, Adam might have been saved by the bottom line, but this close to the end Lord Sugar isn't taking any chances that an unforeseen bump in the pitch might take out one of his favourites. Though Adam's competitors Ricky and Tom had produced a male toiletry range so bland it was virtually invisible, they talked up a storm when presenting it to industry experts and provided him with a reasonable rationale for pushing them through to the final. Next week, in a slight tweak on the established pattern, the four survivors get the dry waterboarding from Lord Sugar's inquisitors, but if they have any extra Nick Winces left over they can always use them in the next series.

Evidently... John Cooper Clarke traced an unexpected connection between the Victorian poet Henry Newbolt and Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys. The linkage was poetic inspiration, Cooper Clarke having been turned on to rhythm and rhyme by, among other things, his boyhood encounter with "Vitaï Lampada", a heady imperial threnody that he can still recite by heart. So, when Cooper Clarke wrote his poems he made them rhyme too, providing a model of aggressive Northern verse that later caught Turner's ear and inspired his own lyrics. Lots of other people admired Cooper Clarke too, of course, and most of them were here – a parade of Manchester media aristocracy testifying to the deep affection in which he's held.

There was a time when it would have been a pretty sure bet that a 2012 celebration of Cooper Clarke would have been a posthumous affair, but having kicked the drugs he was here as well – the Dylan barnet and shades unchanged but the face sliding towards Keith Richards beneath them. He's not the most reliable chronicler of his own past: "That's the trouble with drugs," he chuckled. "The good memories go with the shit you're trying to block out." But he is a genuine original. Highest praise came from a punk-era manager who'd occasionally booked him: "He wasn't precious, he didn't pull strokes... and he could also dodge the bottles".

Arts & Entertainment
A stranger calls: Martin Freeman in ‘Fargo’
tvMartin Freeman’s casting is a stroke of genius

Arts & Entertainment
Maisie Williams of Game of Thrones now
tvMajor roles that grow with their child actors are helping them to steal the show on TV
Arts & Entertainment
Customers browse through Vinyl Junkies record shop in Berwick Street, Soho, London
music

Arts & Entertainment
Who laughs lass: Jenny Collier on stage
ComedyCollier was once told there were "too many women" on bill
VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition iPad app?
Arts & Entertainment
Ken Loach (left) and Mike Leigh who will be going head to head for one of cinema's most coveted prizes at this year's Cannes Film Festival

film
Arts & Entertainment
film

Arts & Entertainment
Don (John Hamm) and Megan (Jessica Paré) Draper are going their separate ways in the final series of ‘Mad Men’
tvReview: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
Arts & Entertainment
James Franco and Chris O'Dowd in Of Mice and Men on Broadway
theatre

Review: Of Mice and Men

Arts & Entertainment
art

By opportunistic local hoping to exhibit the work

Arts & Entertainment
Leonardo DiCaprio will star in an adaptation of Michael Punke's thriller 'The Revenant'
film

Fans will be hoping the role finally wins him an Oscar

Arts & Entertainment
Cody and Paul Walker pictured in 2003.
film

Arts & Entertainment
Down to earth: Fern Britton presents 'The Big Allotment Challenge'
TV

Arts & Entertainment
The London Mozart Players is the longest-running chamber orchestra in the UK
musicThreatened orchestra plays on, managed by its own members
Arts & Entertainment
Seeing red: James Dean with Sal Mineo in 'Rebel without a Cause'
film

Arts & Entertainment
TV
Arts & Entertainment
Heads up: Andy Scott's The Kelpies in Falkirk
art

What do gigantic horse heads tell us about Falkirk?

Arts & Entertainment
artGraffiti legend posts picture of work – but no one knows where it is
Arts & Entertainment
A close-up of Tom of Finland's new Finnish stamp
art

Finnish Postal Service praises the 'self irony and humour' of the drawings

Arts & Entertainment
Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in 2002's Die Another Day
film

The actor has confessed to his own insecurities

Life & Style
Green fingers: a plot in East London
TV

Allotments are the focus of a new reality show

Arts & Entertainment
Myleene Klass attends the Olivier awards 2014

Oliviers 2014Theatre stars arrive at Britain's most prestigious theatre awards
Arts & Entertainment
Stars of The Book of Mormon by Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park

Oliviers 2014Blockbuster picked up Best Musical and Best Actor in a Musical
Arts & Entertainment
Lesley Manville with her Olivier for Best Actress for her role in 'Ghosts'

Oliviers 2014Actress thanked director Richard Eyre for a stunning production
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition iPad app?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter: The man who could have been champion of the world - and the Bob Dylan song that immortalised him

    The man who could have been champion of the world

    Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter and the Bob Dylan song that immortalised him
    Didn’t she do well?

    Didn’t she do well?

    Miranda Hart lined up for ‘Generation Game’ revival
    The Middle East we must confront in the future will be a Mafiastan ruled by money

    The Middle East we must confront in the future will be a Mafiastan ruled by money

    In Iraq, mafiosi already run almost the entire oil output of the south of the country
    Before they were famous

    Before they were famous

    Can you guess the celebrity from these British Pathe News clips?
    Martin Freeman’s casting in Fargo is genius

    Martin Freeman’s casting in Fargo is a stroke of genius

    Series is brimming with characters and stories all its own
    How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe: Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC

    How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe

    Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC
    Video of British Muslims dancing to Pharrell Williams's hit Happy attacked as 'sinful'

    British Muslims's Happy video attacked as 'sinful'

    The four-minute clip by Honesty Policy has had more than 300,000 hits on YouTube
    Church of England-raised Michael Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith

    Michael Williams: Do as I do, not as I pray

    Church of England-raised Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith
    A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife

    A History of the First World War in 100 moments

    A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife
    Comedian Jenny Collier: 'Sexism I experienced on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

    Jenny Collier: 'Sexism on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

    The comedian's appearance at a show on the eve of International Women's Day was cancelled because they had "too many women" on the bill
    Cannes Film Festival: Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or

    Cannes Film Festival

    Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or
    The concept album makes surprise top ten return with neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson

    The concept album makes surprise top ten return

    Neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson is unexpected success
    Lichen is the surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus, thanks to our love of Scandinavian and Indian cuisines

    Lichen is surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus

    Emily Jupp discovers how it can give a unique, smoky flavour to our cooking
    10 best baking books

    10 best baking books

    Planning a spot of baking this bank holiday weekend? From old favourites to new releases, here’s ten cookbooks for you
    Jury still out on Manchester City boss Manuel Pellegrini

    Jury still out on Pellegrini

    Draw with Sunderland raises questions over Manchester City manager's ability to motivate and unify his players