Gemma Hayward: Does she Wannabe the Queen? Surely that's the only explanation for this sparkly tiara. Or is it Wonder Woman she's emulating?
Hugh Montgomery: The stuff that High Wycombe hen parties are made on: all props to Geri for representing the spirit of the occasion with such concision.
Gemma: She's toned down her nickname colour, but there's thankfully still a tinge of ginge, just in case we forget which spicy flavour she is.
Hugh: We (ie Now magazine) have been exclusively told that, "Geri wanted a pared-down fresh make-up look". So damn those rascally clown artists and their blinding cheek bronzer!
Gemma: How do you top that Union Jack dress? Stick some flags on your bottom and decorate yourself with lots of jewels. That'll do the trick.
Hugh: This paltrily patriotic party dress is to 1997's flag-flier what Jessie J is to Freddie Mercury.
Gemma: Stop, right now, thank you very much. Don't slate the cowboy boots – they match her sparkly bits.
Hugh: She's going for gold-en boots? As symbolic stagecraft goes, they're hardly up there with the giant vagina from which she emerged at the Brits.
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