Deborah Ross: Man and iPhone, till death they do part

If you ask me: Tony and his iPhone – whom he calls iRene – married in a simple ceremony where he vowed to remain faithful

If you ask me, the Apple iPhone is such a marvel – personally, I'll never get bored of the people showing me how they work sideways – that it was only a matter of time before someone married one, and now they have.

Just yesterday, in fact, Tony Grafton of Romford, Essex, married his iPhone in the first ceremony of its kind. "I've always been a bit of a loner," says Tony, "and have played a great deal of Warcraft over the years. I was even about to penetrate the northern polar cap of Azeroth, where the Undead Scourge have their stronghold, but the moment I set eyes on the iPhone I knew it was the real thing. Have you seen the compass? It's amazing, and I say that as someone who doesn't go anywhere! Heck, I rarely come out my bedroom. Also, you can zoom in and out by pinching! I'll never get bored of that."

Tony and his iPhone – whom he calls iRene – married in a simple ceremony where Tony vowed to remain faithful even though a new model is due out soon, just as a new model will always be out soon. He also vowed to not lose interest in any apps within 48 hours of downloading them. "As if!" he said. Tony's mother, Dorothy, is thrilled. "I wasn't sure about iRene at first," she said, "but anything that gets Tony out the bedroom has to be good, and he keeps coming down to show me the compass he has no use for. Yes, I'd dearly love grandchildren, but Tony assures me there will be an app for that one day, just as there is already an app for identifying trees."

Tony is overjoyed with his iRene. "I never expected to settle down, just as I never expected to retreat from Azeroth at such a critical moment. But this is what love can do to you. Also, I have GPS, so won't get lost crossing the landing to the bathroom ever again. I've never felt happier, more fulfilled, or more able to identify trees."

A spokesperson for Apple had no comment other than to wish the couple every happiness and to ask if Tony had considered taking out a three-year AppleCare plan. "No," said Tony, "but I am beginning to recognise the shape of an Elder leaf. "