Long-distance relationship: What it’s like when your loved one is locked up in another country

Long-distance relationships can be tricky enough without the full force of American justice getting in the way. Emily Goddard speaks to the wives and girlfriends keeping the flame alive while their partners are behind bars

Lisa Dyer’s husband was in ‘the hole’ on Valentine’s Day this year

Lisa Dyer did not get a Valentine’s Day card or gift from her husband this year but that, she says, is OK. “Knowing that I’m loved more than I ever dreamed is the best Valentine’s Day gift I could ever have,” explains the 47-year-old from Virginia. This year, Lisa’s husband, Fred, 42, was in solitary confinement at Indian Creek Correctional Centre, Virginia, where he has 17 months left to serve for credit card fraud and theft. “I would not replace the love I feel in my heart or his with a restaurant or chocolates,” she says. “Usually he sends special cards if he is able, but this year he was in the hole so had no resources.”

Lisa is just one of many thousands of people who were separated from loved ones on Valentine’s Day because their partners are imprisoned in US state or federal correctional facilities. While the end is in sight for her challenging time apart from Fred, there are other women and men who are having to accept that they might never get to spend a single holiday, let alone Valentine’s, together again.

Facing that stark reality is Amanda Herricks, 22, from Muskego, Wisconsin. Her boyfriend, 32-year-old Jamie Bowens, is currently serving a life sentence without parole plus 10 years in the New Lisbon Correctional Institution for first degree intentional homicide – a conviction he is currently appealing. She was hoping for a contact visit on Valentine’s Day, but had to make do with speaking to her boyfriend through a video link. “I was hoping he would be out of the hole,” she says. “But he wasn’t, so it was on the TV screen. It sucks. I miss his hugs and kisses so much.”

The couple met through Jamie’s brother just more than a year ago. Amanda sometimes struggles with the separation. She says they both hold hopes of being able to be together outside of the prison environment, and keep their love alive with frequent phone calls, “lots of phone sex” and weekly visits. “I miss him everyday and I don’t even know what it’s like to really have him here,” she explains. “I dream of him often being out. I imagine him being with me all the time. I send him pictures of everything I do, so it’s like he’s here too.”

Elle Cotterill says ‘men inside make it so special’ with handmade cards and gifts

The lack of Valentine’s Day intimacy is difficult for some of the women, but they came up with unique and imaginative ways of overcoming the physical barriers to ensure they still shared the day with their loved ones. Misty Rosas and her boyfriend of four years, Sam Nice, who went to Utah State Prison for robbery last year and is due for release in February next year, share tender moments together through “sex letters” and poems. She also sends him “sexy” pictures and the lovers are creating a journal together, called “Separated by prison, united by conviction”. Misty, 35, does admit though that she feels lonely without having her soul mate around and often stays clear of other people on Valentine’s Day.

Tammy Light was able to have photos taken when she visited her husband, Kevin Light-Roth, in prison this Valentine’s

Elle Cotterill, 21, strongly believes that you can have intimacy without sex. Her case is particularly unique as she lives in Kent, UK, while her fiancé of nearly two years, Jordon Conner, 30, is serving time for robbery and burglary with firearms in Airway Heights Corrections Centre, Washington, where he has between five and eight years left to serve. They met on a pen-pal website called meetaninmate.com in January 2015 and were engaged by the May.

Elle travels to the US as often as she can for visits, and they have “video visits” and daily phone calls to keep their relationship strong. The pair are also preparing for marriage and plan to tie the knot this year. She found Valentine’s Day especially hard but says “men inside make it so special”. “Jordan does everything to make me feel loved,” she explains. “I got a hand-drawn card, he made me roses from paper and I got a sweet phone call. We also had a ‘coffee date’, where we both drank coffee, ate and watched a programme at the same time while speaking on the phone together so we knew we were doing the same thing. The moments the average couple take for granted are the moments I long to share with him.”

Elle travels from Kent to Washington to see her fiancé as often as she can

Relying on traditional, and what some might consider antiquated, forms of showing affection and romance, such as love letters, poetry and drawings, is a huge part of making a success of a relationship with someone in prison. Elle has so far managed to fill three A4 folders with cards and notes from Jordan. “As hard as it is, the little gifts we [partners of prisoners] get are so thoughtful,” she says. “Imagine getting letters, emails and drawings saying how wonderful you are all the time. At least my relationship isn’t based upon sex and it’s my company and personality he loves.”

However, even sending letters has proved hard for some of the women. Brittany Jones, 27, from West Virginia “met” her boyfriend, Phillip “Shane” Poling, 31, while they were both incarcerated at Tygart Valley Regional Jail. She asked if her cellmate’s boyfriend, who was also inside, could find her a pen pal. The boyfriend picked Shane. He then wrote her a letter, which he had to send by three-way mail because writing inmate to inmate is prohibited. Brittany received the letter about two weeks later in March last year and it went from there, with regular secret letters and phone calls that saw them forming a strong bond. They have yet to meet in person. “We fell in love over the phone and through letters,” she says. “I told him I loved him first because he would always tell me he’s falling so hard for me. Eventually someone at the jail in my pod told on me for doing illegal phone calls so it was back to writing to each other.”

Brittany Jones did a ‘boudoir’ photo shoot and sent the pictures to her boyfriend in prison this Valentine’s

Brittany, who says they “saved each other” from a life of drug addiction and crime, was released on parole in October 2016, but is unable to visit Shane at the prison. “Felons can’t see felons,” she explains. They will meet face-to-face for the first time when he is released in August this year after doing five years for burglary. To celebrate Valentine’s Day, Brittany did a “boudoir” photo shoot and sent the pictures to Shane.

One woman who is also going to be able to see her partner this year is Tammy Light, but they will not be reunited outside of the prison walls, rather inside when they will be allowed family visits for the first time from November. Tammy, 37, met Kevin Light-Roth, 33, who is serving a 25-year sentence for second degree murder in Stafford Creek Corrections in Aberdeen, Washington, on the pen-pal website writeaprisoner.com in May 2014. Within three months of writing to each other, Tammy had moved from her home in Tennessee to be nearer to Kevin and she now lives in Port Orchard, Washington. “The first time we met in person I was anxious but excited,” she says. “I walked into the visit room and saw him stand up. I went to hug him and he gave me a kiss. I’d never felt more love for anyone. He’s my best friend and I just immediately felt comfortable.” They married at the prison six months later.

Although they speak on the phone daily and Tammy visits for nine hours each week, the couple are counting down the days until the family visits, which will allow them to spend 24 to 48 hours together alone in a duplex in the prison grounds. “We’ll finally be able to be intimate after nearly three years of marriage. [During the visits] the officers don’t bother us except for during count. I can’t wait; it’s been a long time coming. Since we are in our mid to late thirties, we plan on having kids. In the meantime it’s just intimate phone calls and the closeness we share during visits.”

The camaraderie among the women in a similar situation is also extremely strong and often what keeps them focused on the positives. Tammy set up a dedicated Facebook group, called “Confessions of a prison wife” in June 2016, which has grown to almost 700 members. Tammy and Elle then joined forces in January this year to set up a new group, “Secret life of a prison wife”, which already has nearly 400 members. Besides the daily chat and support, the women in the group celebrated Valentine’s Day with a “secret cupid”, where they sent gifts to one another.

But above all of the things keeping these women going is the dreams they have for when their partners are released. Some yearn for the familiarity of everyday life and plan to do “normal” things. For Misty and Sam that will be a steak dinner and hanging out with their kids, while for Lisa and Fred it will be “real life”. She says: “It will be him singing to me like he does, but also him getting a job. We will do whatever we need to do to see that he never goes back inside.” Others, meanwhile, have romantic plans and want to spend a few quiet days alone together, either getting to know each other or rekindling their passion ahead of the next chapter of their stories. “We will have two weeks to just us two and no one else,” Elle says. “That blissful moment of knowing it’s our time, our fresh start and a beginning to a long happy life in each other’s arms.”