Third time lucky Patsy?

Young, free and twice-divorced single, today's the day that Patsy gets her man. Again. So, says Emma Forrest, what's wrong with a girl who just wants to settle down?

That esteemed journal The Star reports that Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit are to marry today at an unspecified London register office and, on Valentine's Day, have their union blessed at Saint Bernard's Catholic Church in Manchester. Although Kensit had no statement to make and Liam's mum, Peggy, denied it, Creation Records confirmed the report, stating "they've been engaged since the summer, so it's no surprise they're now getting married".

The tabloids, however, feel cheated. They relied on Liam and Patsy to be fiery, not cosy, like Pamela and Tommy, like Taylor and Burton. Settling down was not supposed to be part of the agenda. What about the Patsy car- kicking shots? And the reports of a tryst with Kate Moss? Truth to tell, if the tabloid press followed any of us around in the first few years of a relationship they'd probably get the same photos. You don't see the "after" photos where Liam feels guilty because he was out getting trashed when the person he really loved was waiting anxiously at home. All these things blossom out of that one event, but only some of them are photogenic.

The much-repeated John and Yoko line is inaccurate. The real comparison is with Paul and Linda, in that they met fell in love, married and lived happily ever after, which the press has never forgiven them for. We want our celebrities to be tortured and miserable. Compare the tabloids take on Gazza with their depiction of Patsy: wife-beating is acceptable, wanting to settle down is not.

There's the oft-cited criticism that Patsy Kensit only dates rock stars and must therefore be a groupie. Strange, no one complains that Marlon Brando only fancied exotic types, or that Robert De Niro only dates black women. Where's the big piece on that, boys? Meanwhile, Loaded magazine berated her, over two pages, for not having big enough breasts.

The tabloids have got to have a hate figure. When Patsy is out of the country, then it's Paula, and vice versa. Just as the rock'n'roll "Queen Bee" syndrome dictates that there can only be one successful female pop star at any one time (either Madonna or Courtney Love, but not both), so the tabloids always have one absolute figure of hatred to direct their misogyny at. It has been decided that Patsy Kensit is the new Yoko Ono. Oasis are attacked for copying the Beatles, but the tabloids are so hungry for history to repeat itself that they are imposing, on Liam and Patsy, these stories that simply don't fit.

A thought: Patsy Kensit is one of Britain's most under-rated actresses, and Liam Gallagher is an idiot savant. The savant part manifests itself not as mathematical or architectural genius, but as an utterly unself- conscious truthfulness. He is the boy in the story of the emperor's new clothes who couldn't stop himself from crying out that the king was naked. At the Vanity Fair party to celebrate their "Swinging London" issue, Liam and Patsy were seated at a table with the fashion muse Lady Isabella Blow. She was wearing a black lace Philip Treacy mask with feathers that scraped the ceiling. Everyone else spoke to her as if she did not have a large ink-stained ostrich on her face, apart from Liam, who quietly stated: "You are wearing a mask."

Later in the evening, it was said, as it always is, that Jerry Hall looks like a horse. "No she doesn't," corrected Liam, "she looks like a chess piece."

It will be interesting to see what he comes up with when he starts writing his own lyrics. Patsy, meanwhile, may get her dues as an actress as she matures. She has expressed her admiration for Marianne Faithfull, and could well experience a similar burst of mid-life critical respect.

As a child, she starred in The Bluebird with Elizabeth Taylor, who gushed that Kensit would grow up to be "a marvellous actress". Despite the bomb that was Absolute Beginners, she was the only one of the leads who gave any semblance of a performance. Angels and Insects was hugely acclaimed in America and is still running in New York art theatres. Along with John Turturro, she is the best thing about Alison Anders's upcoming Grace of my Heart.

It is interesting that Oasis's female fans, for the most part, seem to have no problem with Kensit. Patsy is a girl's girl and actually looks most relaxed when she is photographed in the company of her girlfriends. She is the most sought-after woman in the room, who, nevertheless, would sooner look after another female she felt was being left out than to flirt with the guys. And that's the kind of girl insecure men hate the most. In photos, she may be the archetypal pouting blonde, but her head-to-toe freckles give her away as a sweetie. She shares with Drew Barrymore a kind of "touchable" sexuality that appeals to men and women.

Certainly in looks, the couple are well matched, Liam possessing the kind of Marlon Brando/Paul Newman face that looks as if it should be carved on the side of Mount Rushmore - although we get less and less chance to see them out together, as lately they have opted to stay in with Patsy's young son, James. In his obvious affection for James it could be said that Liam is attempting to re-invent his unhappy relationship with his father. Liam sees himself in James, behaving, at the same time, in the manner that he wished his father had.

One of the few tender moments that has been captured on film between the couple was when Liam brought Patsy on stage at Knebworth to show off her engagement ring. The fans were delighted, but the press were disgusted. They cannot stand for him to be anything other than this foul, vulgar monster. He is not keeping up the lager-lout persona that has been created for him.

That is not to say he has abandoned his past. The Gallagher brothers do now have plenty of money, but, unlike Mick Jagger, they have resolutely refused to become middle class. They won't say "Just Say No", they won't stop punching each other. And working-class boys do tend to get married and settle down as soon as they can. It is the middle class who live together rather than getting married.

It is a real sign of the times that The Spice Girls can be photographed topless and shown snorting cocaine and nobody bats an eyelid, but when one of them says she votes Tory, the nation is in shock. Similarly, nobody really cared when Liam smashed up a hotel room or was charged with possession of class A drugs. But by getting married, he has just committed the single most courageous and shocking act of his tabloid career. Mazel Tov...

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Business Analyst - 12 Month FTC - Entry Level

    £23000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Analyst is required ...

    Recruitment Genius: Chefs - All Levels

    £16000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: To succeed, you will need to ha...

    Recruitment Genius: Maintenance Engineer

    £8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join an award winni...

    Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive & Customer Service - Call Centre Jobs!

    £7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

    Day In a Page

    Isis in Syria: Influential tribal leaders hold secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over possibility of mobilising against militants

    Tribal gathering

    Influential clans in Syria have held secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over the possibility of mobilising against Isis. But they are determined not to be pitted against each other
    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians

    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

    A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians
    Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously

    Illnesses, car crashes and suicides

    Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously
    Srebrenica 20 years after the genocide: Why the survivors need closure

    Bosnia's genocide, 20 years on

    No-one is admitting where the bodies are buried - literally and metaphorically
    How Comic-Con can make or break a movie: From Batman vs Superman to Star Wars: Episode VII

    Power of the geek Gods

    Each year at Comic-Con in San Diego, Hollywood bosses nervously present blockbusters to the hallowed crowd. It can make or break a movie
    What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?

    Perfect match

    What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?
    10 best trays

    Get carried away with 10 best trays

    Serve with ceremony on a tray chic carrier
    Wimbledon 2015: Team Murray firing on all cylinders for SW19 title assault

    Team Murray firing on all cylinders for title assault

    Coaches Amélie Mauresmo and Jonas Bjorkman aiming to make Scot Wimbledon champion again
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!
    Ashes 2015: Angus Fraser's top 10 moments from previous series'

    Angus Fraser's top 10 Ashes moments

    He played in five series against Australia and covered more as a newspaper correspondent. From Waugh to Warne and Hick to Headley, here are his highlights
    Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

    EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

    An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

    The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
    How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

    Heavy weather

    What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
    World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

    World Bodypainting Festival 2015

    Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
    alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

    Don't call us nerds

    Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high