Sports Direct's own Homer and Abe Simpson are at it again

Homer Mike Ashley wants to make the company ‘the Selfridges of sports retail’ while Grandpa Keith Hellawell tries to blame its problems on its critics as profits and the share price slump

Despite the slump in profits, Mike Ashley’s company is about to take delivery of a new corporate jet (PA)

Citizens of the (dis)United Kingdom really need a laugh right now. Fortunately there’s Sports Direct and its would-be comedian of a founder, Mike Ashley. He has written, presumably with a straight face, that he wants the company to be “the Selfridges of sports retail”, while unveiling a 57 per cent slump in underlying profits before tax for the first half of the 2016/17 reporting year.

Well it made me smile. I’m just not sure the same could be said of the good people at Selfridges.

But there’s more. Embattled chairman Keith Hellawell – you may remember that a majority of shareholders not named Mike Ashley declined to give him their backing at the last AGM – repeatedly refers to the “Sports Direct family” in his part of the results statement.

He goes on to pen a eulogy to the “hard-working and dedicated staff”. At least those who have managed to keep their sick days and toilet breaks down sufficiently to survive the five strikes and you're out policy at the company’s Shirebrook warehouse. A policy we’re told has been scrapped.

If Sports Direct is a family, then it boasts a level of dysfunction that would make even The Simpsons blanche. Although they probably wouldn’t be any happier with the comparison than Selfridges. America’s favourite TV family is, after all, essentially good natured at its core, despite the shenanigans of its members.

After what we’ve learnt about Sports Direct and what goes on, sorry, what used to go on, at Shirebrook, I’m not sure one could describe Sports Direct’s Homer Simpson Mike Ashley as good natured. The same goes for its Grandpa Abe Simpson aka Keith Hellawell. The two of them point blank refuse to accept that any of the company’s problem have anything to do with them. No, it’s all the fault of the rotters in the media, and at the unions and at Westminster, who have been badgering the company to do things like ensuring staff are properly paid while eliminating appalling practices like calling out slow workers over the loudspeaker.

Under the heading “thank you to our people”, Mr Hellawell says this: “I have no doubt that the extreme political, union and media campaign waged against this Company has not only damaged its reputation and influenced our customers, it has impacted negatively on the morale of our people. I begin to question whether this intense scrutiny is all ethically motivated.

“One of the most damaging consequences has been for the very people our critics supposedly support. The Board accepts responsibility for our shortcomings, but there has also been disproportionate, inaccurate and misleading commentary. The individuals at the heart of our organisation are blameless. They are increasingly upset and angry at the barrage of detrimental comments about the company which in their view is unjustified.”

It hardly seems worth pointing out to Mr Hellawell that there wouldn’t have been any of that commentary if the company he chairs had behaved with a modicum of decency or even just simple professionalism when it comes to managing staff.

The attempt to lay the blame for Sports Direct's problems at the door of its critics would be funny if it weren't so sad. It will only serve to further lower the esteem in which it is held.

At least the company’s workers will hopefully enjoy moderately better treatment and pay at the end of all this. But Mr Ashley isn’t planning to change anything beyond that.

Despite the slump in earnings, the company is about to take delivery of a new corporate jet to add to its fleet of vehicles and helicopters and its hotel.

To add to its deal (defended in the statement), with a company owned by Mr Ashley’s brother that helps process international sales, there’s another keep-it-in-the-family tie-up. This time it’s with a cosmetics company owned by Mr Ashley, in which his daughter Matilda is a director. It’s licensing the rights to a beauty brand to Sports Direct. You may remember that his other daughter Anna’s squeeze now earns a crust overseeing the company's property on a consultancy basis. And so it goes on.

It's issues like those that explain the precipitous fall in the company’s share price, along with the actions of Mr Ashley and the inaction of Mr Hellawell, who is supposed to exercise oversight on behalf of all shareholders and stand up to the boss once in a while.

But no, Homer 'n’ Abe are doubling down. Mr Hellawell, meanwhile, faces yet another vote on his chairmanship at a forthcoming EGM. It’ll be fascinating to see what the company’s independent shareholders do in response to all this, particularly given the Government’s keen interest in corporate governance.