Andy McSmith's Diary: Kevin Pietersen, halfwit or genius? Well Piers Morgan is the man who should know

Here is something to cheer up Kevin Pietersen as he contemplates the end of his career as an England cricketer: David Cameron thinks he is good at “tonking”. Speaking on BBC Lancashire, the Prime Minister declared himself to be “an enormous fan”, adding: “Some of my most enjoyable times have been watching him tonking the ball all over the park.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Enervated Speaker does his best, but Sally Bercow appears to do her worst again

John Bercow was in a funny mood as he presided over the Commons today. Only minutes into the session, he became impatient as the barrister-turned-Tory MP, Robert Neill, asked a question that ran to about 90 words. “If he was paid by the word when he was practising at the Bar, he must have become a very rich man indeed,” the Speaker said.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Trident fleet will cost us billions, but exactly who is it supposed to keep at bay?

While politicians agonise over the size of the Government’s debt, one of the most expensive publicly funded projects in recent years is quietly getting under way.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Sir Malcolm Bruce - so many years in Parliament, so little of interest to say

Somebody should compile a compendium of “Interesting Things Sir Malcom Bruce Has Said in his 30 years in Parliament”. It would be a labour of love, a challenge, involving hours and hours of research, but not many results.

Andy McSmith's Diary: The case of the MP, the police chief and the missing personal apology

As if the police had not already inflicted enough trouble on themselves with the plebgate saga, a Chief Constable had to ‘fess up that his force did not understand the law that protects an MP’s right to speak freely.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Aidan Burley is not anti-Semitic - he's just stupid and very convincing

Aidan Burley, the Tory MP who bought a Nazi uniform for a friend to wear at a stag party, is presumably relieved by the conclusions of a report by Lord Gold, a Tory peer who was asked by the party to look into the affair. He concluded Mr Burley “is not a bad man, still less a racist or an anti-Semite” but he is stupid.

Andy McSmith's Diary: I’m sorry, but the next (possible) rector won’t be able to see you now

Edward Snowden, the US intelligence leaker, may soon be filling a ceremonial role in Britain’s academic life. Students at Glasgow University have embarked on a campaign to have him elected as their rector.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Conservative candidate’s racial sensitivity falls flat as a pancake

“One thing I have become very sensitive about is this accusation that Conservatives are somehow racist,” Edward de Mesquita, who is standing as a Conservative candidate in West Hampstead, in London, told the Camden New Journal. “Conservatives are not racist. So many of the Conservatives have foreign wives, after all.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Music bonus on BBC show as Nick Robinson's iPad blasts out Queen hit live on air

Nick Robinson, the BBC’s political editor, had an embarrassing moment on air today. During the Daily Politics programme, Labour’s Caroline Flint was railing against bonuses for bankers that are larger than their annual salaries when suddenly a burst of music filled the studio. It was coming from Robinson’s iPad, which he hastily switched off.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Jacob Rees-Mogg’s actions speak even louder than his words

Speeches in the House of Commons by the Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg are an erudite comedy turn. As MPs debated the European Union (Approvals) Bill (Lords), which writes into British law two draft regulations passed by the Council of the European Union, only he thought it necessary to read into the official record part of what one of the regulations actually said.

Andy McSmith's Diary: No constituent left behind (as long as they pay for my toilet paper)

“Torridge and West Devon are two of the lowest wage areas in the country,” the local Tory MP Geoffrey Cox told the North Devon Journal last week. His resolution for 2014 was to make sure that those on low wages “are not left behind”.

Andy McSmith's Diary: Why do these troughers in ermine have a legal right to line their pockets?

The House of Lords has published details of expenses claimed by their lordships during August 2013. Since they convened for only one day that month, most peers claimed no expenses, but among the minority who did you will see – inevitably – the names of that trio of troughers in ermine, Lord Hanningfield, Lord Taylor of Warwick, and Baroness Uddin.

Andy McSmith's Diary: David Cameron tussles with ancestors, A-roads and Aziz

Given how sensitive David Cameron is to the accusation that he is a “posh boy”, he is not going to be pleased when he opens the current edition of The Spectator, in which his father-in-law, William Astor, revisits the family link to the old Profumo scandal.

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Torture: It didn't work then, it doesn't work now

Torture: It didn't work then, it doesn't work now

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Rebranding Christmas: More public bodies are refusing to give the festival its name for fear of causing offence

Rebranding Christmas

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A sun-kissed island - yours for the price of a London flat

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