Russell Brand wins award for making the least sense of all

According to the campaign’s spokesperson, Brand stood “out on his own” from the pack of contenders for his relentless use of linguistic gobbledygook

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The Independent Online

Comedian. Author. Wanton revolutionary. And now, officially, Russell Brand can add “maker of the least sense” to his ever-growing curriculum vitae of lifetime achievements.

The social activist has been honoured with the Plain English Campaign's Foot in Mouth award for 2014 – a prize that recognises his mind-boggling turn of phrase and disarming employment of complete gobbledygook in any given debate.

According to the campaign’s spokesperson, Brand stood “out on his own” from the pack of contenders.

''While we admire Russell's determination to open up a debate about democracy and the dire state of the world, we struggle to make sense of most of his comments,” a statement read.

Those in any doubt as to his claim on the title need only read these perplexing passages, taken from a variety of Russell-penned sources:

''The internal mayhem I'm feeling is spilling out everywhere. I loved it, and felt very connected to activism – particularly activism that feels loaded with potential. Not the oppositional activism that seems like there's a stasis around it - earnestly sincere, but a monolith equal to the establishment." – Russell Brand, Revolution

“I hope it is not necessary for me to stress the platonic nature of our relationship – not platonic in the purest sense, there was no philosophical discourse, but we certainly didn't f**k, which is usually what people mean by platonic; which I bet would really piss Plato off, that for all his thinking and chatting his name has become an adjective for describing sexless trysts." – Russell Brand, My Booky Wook

“Say I feel all sad and self-indulgent, then get stung by a wasp, my misery feels quite abstract and I long just to be in spiritual pain once more – 'Damn you tiny assassin, clad in yellow and black, how I crave my former innocence where melancholy was my only trial'." Russell Brand, Articles Of Faith

“Spider-Man's uncle's equation though is frequently subverted; often with great power comes a right arsehole and on entering the Houses of Parliament one begins to understand why. The whole joint is a deeply encoded temple of hegemonic power.” – Russell Brand, The Guardian

“A Halloween-haired, Sachsgate-enacting, estuary-whining, glitter-lacquered, priapic berk… How dare I, from my velvet chaise longue, in my Hollywood home like Kubla Khan, drag my limbs from my harem to moan about the system? A system that has posited me on a lilo made of thighs in an ocean filled with honey and foie gras’d my Essex arse with undue praise and money.“ – Russell Brand, The New Statesman

''This attitude of churlish indifference seems like nerdish deference contrasted with the belligerent antipathy of the indigenous farm folk, who regard the hippie-dippie interlopers, the denizens of the shimmering tit temples, as one fey step away from transvestites,'' – Russell Brand, Revolution

The award comes after friend Noel Gallagher's recent comments about Brand's persistent call for social and political change.

"Well, I love Russell but he don't half talk out of his a**e sometimes," he told Noisey during a recent interview.

"His fine, muscular, pert arse. He does talk a load of s**t. I couldn't see him overthrowing a table of drinks. Do you think he's going to put himself in charge? Hmm, I wonder."

Meanwhile, Brand's political rival London Mayor Boris Johnson was honoured with the Plain English Communicator award for his colourful use of the English language. 

 

His winning quote read the following: ''I think one thing that is incredibly important is to try to speak... And I fail totally on this and I catch myself endlessly on the radio... Wou're waffling and burbling and using all sorts of endless Latinate words in exactly that way.

''What people listen to are short Anglo Saxon words that readily correspond to some object in the universe that they can identify. So in other words talk simply, use plain English and talk about stuff in the real world.''

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