The week of BA and humbug

Diary of a Christmas Down Under

Tuesday, Christmas Eve

The papers and the airwaves are full of one topic. What to do with Stephen Waugh? If the England captain, Nasser Hussain, thinks he has it tough he is mistaken.

Waugh is the most successful Test captain in history, he leads the best team, he averages a smidgen under 50 with the bat, he has won the Ashes for a record- extending eighth successive time and he is fighting for his future. The chairman of the selectors, Trevor Hohns, concedes for the first time that there are no guarantees beyond this series.

Waugh goes into battle at his pre-Test press conference. He is clearly miffed at what Hohns has had to say and at the series of profiles of him in the press. "Written by people who don't know me and have never met me." It is true: it is Beckhamesque in scale. One writer says he has been asked for seven different pieces on Waugh in two days.

Waugh claims (and he obviously believes it) that he is still one of the best 11 players in Australia, the sole criterion for selection here. Critics have been examining his last 15 Tests and pointing out that he averages 27. Waugh says that if the last 16 were taken he would average 40, and if it was the last four the figure would be 50. "Figures are what you make them." But he will have only one, or rather three, on his mind for Thursday.

Nobody asks whether his clinical captaincy should be taken into account, which is done all the time when discussing Hussain (the only Australian trait which the England and Wales Cricket Board have not yet officially tried to copy). Everybody, on the other hand, calls him Stephen these days. Presumably – and they have a point – Steve, which he was for at least the first 14 years of his career, is not good enough for a national icon.

Duncan Fletcher, England's coach, speaks to the English press corps after a long and probably essential one-on-one session with Marcus Trescothick. He refuses point blank to address the Zimbabwean issue. Presumably, being born and educated there and being a former captain of their cricket team, he is wary of forming a knee-jerk opinion.

Wednesday, Christmas Day

England train at the Melbourne Cricket Ground in the morning. Surely it cannot be more than cosmetic. Rumours abound about the state of Alec Stewart's right hand. At 39, he remains one of the fittest players in the team; his body is his temple. Seems daft that a pain at the base of the index finger can keep him out of his 126th Test and may end a career.

But it is worth rifling through the figures in case. He has a total of 219 wicketkeeping dismissals, level in the all-time list with Godfrey Evans. Like Stewart, Evans appeared in seven Ashes series. Unlike Stewart, England managed to win three of them.

There are 90 people at the England team Christmas lunch and not quite the same number at the media equivalent. This is small fry compared to the massed ranks of the Barmy Army (and legions of supporters who would not dream of joining up).

Thursday, Boxing Day

Arrival at the MCG finds the place a building site, albeit an abandoned one for the holidays. The thought occurs that England will shortly feel at home amid such demolition. There is a huge gap where the Ponsford Stand once stood (named after the only man to score two quadruple first-class centuries).

It has reduced the capacity of the stadium from 90,000 to 72,000, some two- and-a-half times what Lord's can hold. Not for long. It is being replaced by a new stand which is part of the redevelopment of the whole ground. Total cost: 430 million Australian dollars (£159m).

The money has been raised by a partnership between the Victorian Government, Melbourne Cricket Club and the Australian Football League. The work will be finished – make no mistake about it – by late 2005, in time for the 2006 Commonwealth Games.

Nor is that all. Next door is Melbourne Park, home of the Australian Tennis Open, and its two resplendent main courts. Alongside that is Olympic Park, where football is played. That makes three big-time sports stadiums within walking distance of the city centre. Impossible not to think of Wembley: inaccessible even if it was built. Mind you, in external appearance the new stadium will still be a concrete monstrosity.

England are being hammered but Mark Butcher earns due praise for reprieving Waugh when he refuses to claim a slip catch. Twice he says that he cannot be sure and the television replay, as ever, is inconclusive.

Maybe Butcher has been for a walk nearby. In Melbourne Park is sited the statue commemorating a great event at the MCG in 1956. In the Australian One Mile Championship, Ron Clark slipped and fell. The race leader, John Landy, stopped, helped him to his feet and ensured he was all right before continuing. Landy went on to win. The incident still sends tingles down the spine of Australian sports fans.

Friday

England continue to get hammered. Almost routinely so on a routine day which suddenly explodes in the evening. Hussain stands his ground after Jason Gillespie takes what looks a regulation catch at mid-off. Doubtless he correctly calculated that television would give him the benefit.

The Barmy Army bait Brett Lee, calling every delivery "no ball" after television threw doubt on his action. Funny how cameras can be certain about the legitimacy of a man's action and thus threaten his career while simultaneously being useless in judging whether a catch carried.

The double centurion Justin Langer says the BA are disgraceful, had probably been drinking all day and were 50 kilogrammes overweight. He deserves to be reminded of that the next time the Australians call Murali a chucker.

Saturday

The BA have been reading Langer's words and immediately begin chanting: "We're so fat it's unbelievable." Lee says before play that he doesn't mind the singing, but why, he wonders, are none of them in tune?

In a squeaky voice, the BA also say, "Gee whiz, Justin", apeing one of his favourite phrases. The Australians respond by doing their warm-up exercises directly in front of the Army, thus shutting them up. Oh, blessed relief.

Hussain stands looking aggrieved when he is given out caught behind. Which takes some cheek. Can't have seen the Landy-Clarke statue. England are getting hammered.