Outside Edge: Liar, liar, pants on fire in the snow

 

Uh-oh. If it's about underwear, David Beckham must be involved.

No, this is the story of Bruno Banani, a Tongan sportsman who is apparently hoping to take part in the luge competition at the next Winter Olympics. It's like the Cool Runnings film about the Jamaican bobsleigh team at the 1988 Winter Games in Calgary. It sounded like a charming tale: Princess Salote Mafile'o Pilolevu Tuita, daughter of the late Tongan king Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, is said to have dreamed of one of her compatriots taking part in the Winter Games.

Ah, that's lovely. Why have I got a nasty feeling about all this?

As far as we know, the royal wish is true – as is the fact that Bruno has been steadily improving during training in Germany after suffering a crash in qualifying for the Vancouver Games last year, which gave him concussion. The only problem is that his name is not Bruno Banani at all.

Did the bump on the head cause him to lose his memory?

The reality is much more unsavoury. You see, Bruno Banani is the name of a German underwear manufacturer. And the luger is in fact called Fuahea Semi. He was said to be the son of a coconut farmer, whereas his dad actually grows cassava, which is not quite to evocative. Turns out it was all a marketing stunt by the fashionable underpants company. He even had a new passport and birth certificate issued by Tongan authorities.

It sounds like the young fellow has found himself on a slippery slope.

Maybe not. Fuahea Semi has been training with the German national team, with help from three-time Olympic gold medallist Georg Hackl. The 24-year-old will take part in this week's World Luge Championships in Altenberg, Germany, which happens to be sponsored by a certain underwear company whose name we will never mention again.

This is outrageous. They should give the poor chap his name back.

Well it's not as bad as the Los Angeles Lakers basketball player Ron Artest, who changed his own name to Metta World Peace last year – without a pair of pants anywhere to be seen.

Not so lucky number seven

The sport of kings' promotional body Racing for Change has spent six weeks analysing 9,500 horse races in the UK last year and revealed the following results for the horses' cloths, which punters might find useful:

Most likely to win: No 1, coming home first in 15 per cent of races.

Most likely to be disqualified: No 7, accounting for 20 per cent of all disqualifications.

Most likely to fall: No 2.

Most likely to unseat their rider: No 3.

Most likely to avoid trouble: No 12.

The golden rule is to go for Nos 1, 2 and 3 because they account for more than 40 per cent of all winners. In contrast, horses carrying a No 20 cloth get beaten in 97 per cent of their races.

Saudi eye-opener as women can watch

Last week brought the welcome news that women are to be allowed to watch football matches in Saudi Arabia for the first time at a stadium in Jeddah. The ground-breaking venture will begin in 2014, once purpose-built private cabins and balconies have been built at the venue. The strict interpretation of Islam in the country prohibits unrelated men and women from mingling. But perhaps even more important is the revelation of what is said to be the first football match contested by women in the country, between students of the Prince Muhammad Bin Fahad University in al-Khobar and a team from Riyadh University. "It was a rare event for Saudi Arabia," said the local newspaper al-Watan, "and only women were present in the stands." Good to hear them standing up for themselves.

Relations strained

The women seem to be on top in Milan. The girlfriend of Ghana's Kevin-Prince Boateng, model Melissa Satta, has revealed her man has been sidelined recently because they have sex so often. The former Tottenham and Portsmouth midfielder has been hampered by a succession of minor injuries and Melissa explains: "The reason why he is always injured is because we have sex seven to 10 times a week." She adds: "I hate foreplay, I want to get straight to the point. My favourite position is on top so I can take control." Is that what therapists would call "route one" intercourse?

Leandro's air shot

Take a deep breath, here's some more injury news. The Brazilian defender Leandro is back in action for his club Caldense after being out for two weeks with hiccups. Another injured party is Gareth Wager of Bacup Borough, who was sent off for urinating against Stone. He claims he was stretching his hamstring. But he may be stretching the truth.

Dip a big tow in the water

Ferry impressive. At Macquarie Harbour, near Stahan in Tasmania, 145 hangers-on help to break the world record for the most people to water-ski one mile at the same time – even though another nine didn't manage to last the distance. They were pulled by a 114ft catamaran which normally sees service as a passenger ferry. It had to be equipped with modified propellers and a 308ft aluminium boom to prevent the lines getting tangled up, and the skiers had to hang on to a combined five miles of rope. The record-breakers easily beat the previous mark of 114, set on the same lake two years ago.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
AKB48 perform during one of their daily concerts at Tokyo’s Akihabara theatre
musicJapan's AKB48 are one of the world’s most-successful pop acts
News
Ian Thorpe has thanked his supporters after the athlete said in an interview that he is gay
people
News
The headstone of jazz great Miles Davis at Woodlawn Cemetery in New York
news
Arts and Entertainment
Brendan O'Carroll has brought out his female alter-ego Agnes Brown for Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie
filmComedy holds its place at top of the UK box office
News
newsBear sweltering in zoo that reaches temperatures of 40 degrees
Arts and Entertainment
Professor Kathy Willis will showcase plants from the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew
radioPlants: From Roots to Riches has been two years in the making
Arts and Entertainment
TV The follow-up documentary that has got locals worried
Arts and Entertainment
Eminem's daughter Hailie has graduated from high school
music
Arts and Entertainment
Original Netflix series such as Orange Is The New Black are to benefit from a 'substantial' increase in investment
TVHoax announcement had caused outrage
Life and Style
Swimsuit, £245, by Agent Provocateur
fashion

Diving in at the deep end is no excuse for shirking the style stakes

News
One Direction star Harry Styles who says he has no plans to follow his pal Cara Delevingne down the catwalk.
peopleManagement confirms rumours singer is going it alone are false
Caption competition
Caption competition
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Daily World Cup Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Dynamics CRM Developer (C#, .NET, Dynamics CRM 2011/2013)

£40000 - £60000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Dynamics CRM D...

Web Developer (C#, ASP.NET, AJAX, JavaScript, MVC, HTML)

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Web Developer ...

C# R&D .NET Developer-Algorithms, WCF, WPF, Agile, ASP.NET,MVC

£50000 - £67000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# R&D .NE...

C# Developer (Web, HTML5, CSS3, ASP.NET, JS, Visual Studios)

£40000 - £50000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Developer (...

Day In a Page

Super Mario crushes the Messi dream as Germany win the 2014 World Cup in Brazil

Super Mario crushes the Messi dream

Germany win the 2014 World Cup in Brazil
Saharan remains may be evidence of the first race war, 13,000 years ago

The first race war, 13,000 years ago?

Saharan remains may be evidence of oldest large-scale armed conflict
Scientists find early warning system for Alzheimer’s

Scientists find early warning system for Alzheimer’s

Researchers hope eye tests can spot ‘biomarkers’ of the disease
Sex, controversy and schoolgirl schtick

Meet Japan's AKB48

Pop, sex and schoolgirl schtick make for controversial success
Iraq crisis: How Saudi Arabia helped Isis take over the north of the country

How Saudi Arabia helped Isis take over northern Iraq

A speech by an ex-MI6 boss hints at a plan going back over a decade. In some areas, being Shia is akin to being a Jew in Nazi Germany, says Patrick Cockburn
The evolution of Andy Serkis: First Gollum, then King Kong - now the actor is swinging through the trees in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

The evolution of Andy Serkis

First Gollum, then King Kong - now the actor is swinging through the trees in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
You thought 'Benefits Street' was controversial: Follow-up documentary 'Immigrant Street' has got locals worried

You thought 'Benefits Street' was controversial...

Follow-up documentary 'Immigrant Street' has got locals worried
Refugee children from Central America let down by Washington's high ideals

Refugee children let down by Washington's high ideals

Democrats and Republicans refuse to set aside their differences to cope with the influx of desperate Central Americas, says Rupert Cornwell
Children's books are too white, says Laureate

Children's books are too white, says Laureate

Malorie Blackman appeals for a better ethnic mix of authors and characters and the illustrator Quentin Blake comes to the rescue
Blackest is the new black: Scientists have developed a material so dark that you can't see it...

Blackest is the new black

Scientists have developed a material so dark that you can't see it...
Matthew Barzun: America's diplomatic dude

Matthew Barzun: America's diplomatic dude

The US Ambassador to London holds 'jeans and beer' gigs at his official residence – it's all part of the job, he tells Chris Green
Meet the Quantified Selfers: From heart rates to happiness, there is little this fast-growing, self-tracking community won't monitor

Meet the 'Quantified Selfers'

From heart rates to happiness, there is little this fast-growing, self-tracking community won't monitor
Madani Younis: Five-star reviews are just the opening act for British theatre's first non-white artistic director

Five-star reviews are just the opening act for British theatre's first non-white artistic director

Madani Younis wants the neighbourhood to follow his work as closely as his audiences do
Mrs Brown and her boys: are they having a laugh?

Mrs Brown and her boys: are they having a laugh?

When it comes to national stereotyping, the Irish – among others – know it can pay to play up to outsiders' expectations, says DJ Taylor