The Last Word: From Pogba's return to a blow-up Rory McIlroy: what cannot possibly happen in 2013...

 

January

Sir Alex Ferguson finally accepts that his midfield requires rejuvenation, and scouts in Italy persuade him to break the transfer record for a teenager in order to bring Paul Pogba to Old Trafford.

February

Chris Robshaw, tired of that quizzical look from Owen Farrell, appoints himself England's goal-kicker for the Six Nations. Italy get on a roll, catching the French cold in Rome before putting away some plucky underdogs at Murrayfield.

The World Championship Ladies' Giant Slalom is suspended after the snow begins to melt as Anna Fenninger enters the starting hutch. All men under the age of 70 are removed from Schladming and the piste is quickly passed fit for racing.

March

In the middle of a game, substitute Mario Balotelli wanders on to the field, sits down in the centre circle and starts burning £50 notes, softly singing "hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny".

April

On His Own wins the Grand National. (You might want rather bigger odds against some of these predictions but, in this instance, 20-1 is a very fair price.)

May

Chelsea go top after beating Manchester United 6-5 at Old Trafford. David Luiz, who has replaced Torres up front for the run-in, scores a hat-trick. Chelsea proceed to clinch the title on goal difference. Fans scorch giant letters on to the pitch: "Rafa: Chelsea legend."

June

Frankie Dettori, having completed his drugs ban, promptly finds redemption by winning the Derby, only for his trademark flying dismount to backfire as he floats away altogether.

July

Roger Federer and Andy Murray contest another Wimbledon final, and this time Murray is determined to have the undivided loyalty of Middle England. He arrives on court in Brylcreem, blazer, cravat and cricket flannels, with a single wooden racket and a teddy bear. Federer, incensed by his disenfranchisement, responds with a fortnight's stubble and a crew cut. It all ends in tears again, however, when Murray places his monocle on the wrong eye at match point.

August

Ashley Cole, arriving in Paris to negotiate a transfer to Paris St-Germain, swerves off the road on learning the magnitude of his salary. But the deal falls through after the car plunges into the Seine and Cole suffers a shoulder injury. Divers dredge the riverbed seeking the crucial chips. Joey Barton leaves the French press in no doubt, remarking: "Weezout zeese, ow you say, cheeps – zees player… Bah!"

Captains Michael Clarke and Alastair Cook, having cancelled each other out in four draws, agree to sit out the last Test at the Oval. Joe Root and Monty Panesar convene for the last wicket with 17 required. "We'll get them in singles," murmurs Root. Monty wins it, trying to smear a six and nicking an inside edge past leg stump.

September

Serena Williams, recently impersonated by her opponent with towels stacked into her dress, beats Caroline Wozniacki in the US Open final with an inflatable doll of Rory McIlroy wrapped round her backside. In the process Williams completes the Grand Slam, but will nonetheless contrive to end the year at No 2 in the WTA rankings.

Qatar is the surprise choice to host the 2020 Olympic Games. Adviser Lord Coe clinches the deal by dovetailing it with construction of an artificial mountain resort to host the Winter Games of 2022.

October

Nonito Donaire's decision to submit to a voluntary drug-testing protocol eventually shames boxing's disparate governing bodies into doing something before someone gets killed. They will now give no more than six months' notice of each testing date, and add rooibos tea and uranium to the list of banned substances.

November

Arsène Wenger quits Arsenal to manufacture a car that runs on camomile tea. The club also decides on a change of direction, and promise Tony Pulis a budget of £100m for the transfer window.

December

Having failed to take to his new career in dressage, Kauto Star auditions for a place on Celebrity Big Brother. But producers feel uncomfortable with the idea of an excessive IQ disparity between a guest in the house and those watching at home.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Babysitter Katie and Paul have terse words in the park
tvReview: The strength of the writing keeps viewers glued to their seats even when they are confronted with the hard-hitting scenes
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
American singer, acclaimed actor of stage and screen, political activist and civil rights campaigner Paul Robeson (1898 - 1976), rehearses in relaxed mood at the piano.
filmSinger, actor, activist, athlete: Paul Robeson was a cultural giant. But prejudice and intolerance drove him to a miserable death. Now his story is to be told in film...
Sport
England’s opening goalscorer Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain battles with Scotland’s Charlie Mulgrew
FootballEngland must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
Life and Style
Make-up artists prepare contestants for last year’s Miss World, held in Budapest
fashion
Sport
Wigan Athletic’s back-of-the shirt sponsor Premier Range has pulled out due to Malky Mackay’s arrival
Football
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Argyll Scott International: FP&A Manager Supply Chain

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Argyll Scott is recruiting for a Permane...

Austen Lloyd: Commercial Property NQ+

£30000 - £50000 per annum + EXCELLENT: Austen Lloyd: COMMERCIAL PROPERTY SOLI...

Argyll Scott International: Retail Commercial Finance Analyst

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Due to further expansion, a leading inte...

Langley James : Senior Technician; Promotion & Training Opp; Borough; upto £32k

£27000 - £32000 per annum + training: Langley James : Senior Technician; Promo...

Day In a Page

US immigration: President Obama ready to press ahead with long-promised plan to overhaul 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?

Immigration: Obama's final frontier

The President is ready to press ahead with the long-promised plan to overhaul America's 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?
Bill Cosby rape allegations explained: Why are these allegations coming out now? Why didn’t these women come forward earlier? And why has nobody taken legal action?

Bill Cosby rape allegations explained

Why are these allegations coming out now? Why has nobody taken legal action? And what happens next for the man once thought of as 'America's Dad'
Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain

You know that headache you’ve got?

Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain
Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?

Scoot commute

Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?
Paul Robeson: The story of how an American icon was driven to death to be told in film

The Paul Robeson story

How an American icon was driven to death to be told in film
10 best satellite navigation systems

Never get lost again: 10 best satellite navigation systems

Keep your vehicle going in the right direction with a clever device
Paul Scholes column: England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil

Paul Scholes column

England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win says defender as he prepares to return with Hull

Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win

Hull defender faces his struggling former club on Sunday ready to show what they are missing. But he says he will always be grateful to Tottenham
Frank Warren column: Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game

Frank Warren column

Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game
Synagogue attack: Fear unites both sides of Jerusalem as minister warns restoring quiet could take 'months'

Terror unites Jerusalem after synagogue attack

Rising violence and increased police patrols have left residents of all faiths looking over their shoulders
Medecins sans Frontieres: The Ebola crisis has them in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa

'How do you carry on? You have to...'

The Ebola crisis has Medecins sans Frontieres in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa
Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Residents in what was Iraq’s safest city fear an increase in jihadist attacks, reports Patrick Cockburn
Underwater photography competition winners 2014 - in pictures

'Mysterious and inviting' shot of diver wins photography competition

Stunning image of cenote in Mexico takes top prize
Sir John Major: Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting

Sir John Major hits out at theatres

Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting
Kicking Barbie's butt: How the growth of 3D printing enabled me to make an army of custom-made figurines

Kicking Barbie's butt

How the growth of 3D printing enabled toy-designer to make an army of custom-made figurines