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What with being the first contestant to be voted out of the Big Brother house, not to mention facing ongoing calls to be burned at the stake by the Daily Mail, it's proved a fraught few days for Speaker's wife Sally Bercow. So, amid these troubled times, what could be more welcome than the sight of her very own knight in shining armour triumphantly emerging over the horizon with the express intention of putting Sally's numerous enemies to the sword? "Pray, who could this valiant warrior be?" I hear you ask. "Why, I think it's our favourite Estonian and glamour model-botherer Lembit 'Lancelot' Opik!" Oh! comes the admittedly deflated reply. Still, it's a bank holiday and Hugh Grant didn't have the decency to return my (numerous) calls. "There's a difference between having depth and being a celebrity," declares Lembit, himself a reality television reject of note. "Sally has something to say. I supported her decision to go on the programme. My advice to Sally would now be to pursue any libel actions." Her weary other Senor Bercow would be wise to keep the impressionable Sally away from this man's mysterious charms.

Michael Brown: The fortunes of Clegg and Cameron are now inextricably bound together

When the end came, all that was missing was the revelation that a pearl-handled revolver had been discovered, still smoking, in the Cabinet Room at No 10. The last days in the bunker did not actually end in death – at any rate no body has been found. A man resembling the former prime minister was last seen in a car heading for Buckingham Palace. But he might have been Gordon Brown's double.

Sandwiches with a smile on the Tory battlebus

His two children Nancy and Elwyn keep asking him: "Why is the election taking so long?", But after two precious nights of good sleep on Friday and Saturday, it seems David Cameron would be quite happy if it lasted even longer.

Links with torture countries to go on

Britain must continue to work with international intelligence agencies in the fight against terrorism even if they are not commited to UK standards on the abuse or torture of detainees, the Foreign Office has warned.

Simon Carr: Who's telling the truth? I've no idea

Sketch: Ball and Gove accused each other of quoting misleading figures. We were all misled

David Davis: It's time to let the public hold banks to account

Since the onset of the financial crisis, there has been much talk about how it came about and how we can change our banking system so that it doesn't happen again.

Tories attacked as 'climate saboteurs'

The Conservative peer Lord Lawson, the Tory MP David Davis and other politicians who have been casting doubt on the science of global warming in advance of next week's Copenhagen climate conference were "climate saboteurs", Ed Miliband, the Energy and Climate Change Secretary, said yesterday.

Cameron's team turn on Davis for attack on green agenda

Battle rages in Tory party after <i>Independent</i> reveals revolt on climate change

David Davis: Why this ferocious desire to impose hair-shirt policies?

As the dignitaries gather for the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference, dark clouds are gathering over environmental policies. Copenhagen itself has been presaged by troubling signals that it will be harder than usual to get agreement. These will probably be resolved, but it is debatable whether that will make any real difference. In Rio de Janeiro in 1992, the international community promised cuts by 2000. In Kyoto in 1997, they promised even greater cuts by 2010. Neither happened.

David Davis: Crunch time for a botched mission

It is hardly surprising that support for the war in Afghanistan is slipping away

John Rentoul: Cameron is the new Blair

The Tory leader has learnt from New Labour not to promise too much. There's little danger of that

Village people: 17/10/2009

The minimum wage?

*David Wilshire, the latest MP devoured by the expenses scandal, was visited by journalism students just before his downfall. Echoing his fellow Tory, Alan Duncan, who spoke of MPs living on "rations", he is said to have told them: "I work 60-70 hours a week some weeks. When you look at what I earn over the year, it comes dangerously close to working out as the minimum wage."

The Sketch: A solemn list as Gordon went on manoeuvres around the Hindu Kush

Thirty-seven soldiers dead. He read out their names. People have been arrested for doing that in Westminster, without permission from the police.

Michael Brown: A Tory victory is still far from certain

Their conference next week might still reveal one or two exposed flanks

Pandora: He's back: Davis joins the after-dinner circuit

It's been just over a year since David Davis resigned his Shadow Cabinet post in protest against the detention of terror suspects for more than 28 days – and, so far, he has kept a relatively low profile.

'No ground' over hacker extradition

Home Secretary Alan Johnson today "gave no ground" in the face of calls not to extradite computer hacker Gary McKinnon, a cross-party trio of senior MPs said.

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