This was the football week dominated by the men who never kicked a ball professionally and did not even manage a pub team but who presume to shape the future of the national sport. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they re-entered the woodwork?

Monarchy should go, says a third of TV poll

More than one-third of the British public no longer wants a monarchy, according to a phone-in poll after a live television debate on the future of the institution.

Unrepentant Norris romps and tells

The ex-minister delivers his embarrassing goods on the eve of the Tory conference. By John Rentoul

Have short-wave, will travel

What essentials should you not leave behind, once toothbrush and passport are packed? Leading globetrotters offer their suggestions

Tories braced for 'Clark Diaries 2'

Top Tories are bracing themselves for embarrassing revelations by their former colleague Steven Norris, the ex-minister who famously had five mistresses.

Great walking. Beautiful scenery. A rambler's paradise ...if someone doesn't stop you finishing the journey

Walkers in England and Wales have a one in three chance of completing a two-mile walk on rights of way

Norris tipped to lead Tory election fight

Steve Norris, the Minister for Transport in London, is being tipped by senior Tory backbench colleagues for a campaigning role in the run- up to the general election.

Long and rocky road from nowhere to Knaresborough

Norman Lamont stood on the staircase of the Majestic Hotel, Harrogate, last night looking like the cat that had got the cream, writes Colin Brown.

Scotch-and-soda, sperm and the divine spark

"IT'S JUST your sort of thing," they said. "It's called Sperm Wars. It explains how our sexual behaviour is all about promoting competition between, you know, ugh, nasty sperms ugh ugh, to fertilise the egg. We thought you'd like to review it. We'll leave it behind the bar downstairs in the club."

Gear freaks / The cyclist

Also known as: ruff stuffer (mountain bike cyclist), roadie (competitive cyclist), tourer (recreational cyclist), commuter (cyclist who cycles to work), cycle courier (cyclist who cycles for work).

`Whatever you have heard, all plants are edible'

Did you know that gorse flowers make a delicious addition to green salad and that ground acorn is a stimulating substitute for coffee?

Whips? Canes? Silly Monkeys!

Two years after her conviction for assault, Marianne Martindale, female disciplinarian, has resurfaced. Rosie Millard met her

Messing about with boats: Martin Scudamore discovers the water sports at the heart of the Lea Valley's appeal

Something about a canal boat implies a solitary sort of existence, cruising along quiet backwaters with only the coots and moorhens for company. You may have the family on board, and exchange friendly greetings with the occupants of the other vessels that you meet at locks, but essentially you are in a little waterborne space of your own.

Time fails to fade memories of Marie: The discovery of little Rosie Palmer's body stirs sad and bitter recollections of another killing. Hester Lacey reports

BRENDA PAYNE'S neat living-room is hung with photos. There are portraits of her eldest daughter, Julie, and little granddaughter, Charlotte, four years old, and of her youngest daughter, Charlene, eight last week. There are big colour photos of Brenda herself, looking glamorous in a smart dress and sleek hairdo. There are, however, no photos of her husband or son on display. There are also old photos, blurred and unfocused, of her middle daughter, Marie; but none of Marie growing up, none of her aged above four.

Tories in Turmoil: Constituency 'will not deselect Norris': Affair closed: Junior minister will not be deselected, writes Will Bennett

STEVEN NORRIS, the junior Government minister who last year was revealed to have had a string of affairs, is not in danger of being deselected by his constituency Conservative association.

Embattled MPs face deselection: Tory 'Back to Basics' morality net widens

TWO of the three MPs at the centre of Tory 'Back to Basics' scandals were facing the prospect of deselection last night as the party's high moral tone was adopted with gusto at grassroots level.
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No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

The only direction Zayn could go

We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

Spells like teen spirit

A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

Licence to offend in the land of the free

Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

From farm to fork in Cornwall

One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

Robert Parker interview

The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor