This was the football week dominated by the men who never kicked a ball professionally and did not even manage a pub team but who presume to shape the future of the national sport. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they re-entered the woodwork?

Monarchy should go, says a third of TV poll

More than one-third of the British public no longer wants a monarchy, according to a phone-in poll after a live television debate on the future of the institution.

Unrepentant Norris romps and tells

The ex-minister delivers his embarrassing goods on the eve of the Tory conference. By John Rentoul

Have short-wave, will travel

What essentials should you not leave behind, once toothbrush and passport are packed? Leading globetrotters offer their suggestions

Tories braced for 'Clark Diaries 2'

Top Tories are bracing themselves for embarrassing revelations by their former colleague Steven Norris, the ex-minister who famously had five mistresses.

Great walking. Beautiful scenery. A rambler's paradise ...if someone doesn't stop you finishing the journey

Walkers in England and Wales have a one in three chance of completing a two-mile walk on rights of way

Norris tipped to lead Tory election fight

Steve Norris, the Minister for Transport in London, is being tipped by senior Tory backbench colleagues for a campaigning role in the run- up to the general election.

Long and rocky road from nowhere to Knaresborough

Norman Lamont stood on the staircase of the Majestic Hotel, Harrogate, last night looking like the cat that had got the cream, writes Colin Brown.

Scotch-and-soda, sperm and the divine spark

"IT'S JUST your sort of thing," they said. "It's called Sperm Wars. It explains how our sexual behaviour is all about promoting competition between, you know, ugh, nasty sperms ugh ugh, to fertilise the egg. We thought you'd like to review it. We'll leave it behind the bar downstairs in the club."

Gear freaks / The cyclist

Also known as: ruff stuffer (mountain bike cyclist), roadie (competitive cyclist), tourer (recreational cyclist), commuter (cyclist who cycles to work), cycle courier (cyclist who cycles for work).

`Whatever you have heard, all plants are edible'

Did you know that gorse flowers make a delicious addition to green salad and that ground acorn is a stimulating substitute for coffee?

Whips? Canes? Silly Monkeys!

Two years after her conviction for assault, Marianne Martindale, female disciplinarian, has resurfaced. Rosie Millard met her

Messing about with boats: Martin Scudamore discovers the water sports at the heart of the Lea Valley's appeal

Something about a canal boat implies a solitary sort of existence, cruising along quiet backwaters with only the coots and moorhens for company. You may have the family on board, and exchange friendly greetings with the occupants of the other vessels that you meet at locks, but essentially you are in a little waterborne space of your own.

Time fails to fade memories of Marie: The discovery of little Rosie Palmer's body stirs sad and bitter recollections of another killing. Hester Lacey reports

BRENDA PAYNE'S neat living-room is hung with photos. There are portraits of her eldest daughter, Julie, and little granddaughter, Charlotte, four years old, and of her youngest daughter, Charlene, eight last week. There are big colour photos of Brenda herself, looking glamorous in a smart dress and sleek hairdo. There are, however, no photos of her husband or son on display. There are also old photos, blurred and unfocused, of her middle daughter, Marie; but none of Marie growing up, none of her aged above four.

Tories in Turmoil: Constituency 'will not deselect Norris': Affair closed: Junior minister will not be deselected, writes Will Bennett

STEVEN NORRIS, the junior Government minister who last year was revealed to have had a string of affairs, is not in danger of being deselected by his constituency Conservative association.

Embattled MPs face deselection: Tory 'Back to Basics' morality net widens

TWO of the three MPs at the centre of Tory 'Back to Basics' scandals were facing the prospect of deselection last night as the party's high moral tone was adopted with gusto at grassroots level.
Denny Miller in 1959 remake of Tarzan, the Ape Man
Arts and Entertainment
Cheryl despairs during the arena auditions
tvX Factor review: Drama as Cheryl and Simon spar over girl band

Piers Morgan tells Scots they might not have to suffer living on the same island as him if they vote ‘No’ to Scottish Independence
i100Exclusive interview with the British analyst who helped expose Bashar al-Assad's use of Sarin gas
Angel Di Maria celebrates his first goal for Manchester United against QPR
Football4-0 victory is team's first win under new manager Louis van Gaal
Arts and Entertainment
newsIn short, yes
Arts and Entertainment
Rob James-Collier, who plays under-butler Thomas Barrow, admitted to suffering sleepless nights over the Series 5 script
tv'Thomas comes right up to the abyss', says the actor
Arts and Entertainment
Calvin Harris claimed the top spot in this week's single charts
BoxingVideo: The incident happened in the very same ring as Tyson-Holyfield II 17 years ago
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Independent Travel
Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence – MS Swiss Corona from £949pp
Dubrovnik, the Dalmatian Coast & Montenegro from £799pp
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Classical Spain from £539pp
Prices correct as of 12 September 2014
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week
The fall of Rome? Cash-strapped Italy accused of selling its soul to the highest bidder

The fall of Rome?

Italy's fears that corporate-sponsored restoration projects will lead to the Disneyfication of its cultural heritage
Glasgow girl made good

Glasgow girl made good

Kelly Macdonald was a waitress when she made Trainspotting. Now she’s taking Manhattan
Sequins ahoy as Strictly Come Dancing takes to the floor once more

Sequins ahoy as Strictly takes to the floor once more

Judy Murray, Frankie Bridge and co paired with dance partners
Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Alexander Wang pumps it up at New York Fashion Week
The landscape of my imagination

The landscape of my imagination

Author Kate Mosse on the place that taught her to tell stories