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In the middle of the night, hidden beneath the covers, I start laughing at the idea of anyone else finding out what I'm Googling. No, I'm not funding the dark web, I'm not streaming illegal stuff of any kind, I'm not even shopping for kittens; I'm soothing my troubled insomniac brow on frenchclick.co.uk, gazing at things formerly only purchasable in French supermarkets, now brought all the way across the Channel to my London front door – with no delivery charge on orders of more than £35. (More than £35? Pah. I can spend over £35 on biscuits alone in a French supermarket.)

Wheels of state: David Cameron would face the roughest of rides were he to betray Samantha... by scooter

PMs and prudes: What if it was David Cameron accused of having an affair in office?

Andy McSmith wonders how our media would react – and whether he would be able to keep his job

François Hollande's alleged mistress Julie Gayet 'blocked from arts jury'

The actress was expected to be appointed to a jury responsible for selecting state funded scholarships for the Villa Medic academy in Rome

Nicolas Anelka appears to make the 'la quenelle' gesture after scoring the first goal for West Brom in the 3-3 draw against West Ham

Kick It Out call for action against Nicolas Anelka following controversial 'quenelle' gesture

The West Brom striker made the gesture, which some view as anti-Semitic, against West Ham

Vincent Millot is hoping to cause a major upset when he takes on Andy Murray in the second round of the Australian Open

Australia Open 2014: Andy Murray opponent Vincent Millot hoping back pain won't hinder his attempts at an upset

The pair both encounter back problems last year but Millot is hopeful that he can pull off a surprise win despite the large gap between the two in the ATP rankings

Reporters raise their hands during French President Francois Hollande's annual news conference

French President François Hollande rebuffs media on alleged affair with Julie Gayet: 'These are painful moments, but private matters should be dealt with privately'

This being France, the President escaped close inspection of his private life at a long-awaited press conference. Instead, he talked about his plan to slash state spending. John Lichfield reports from the Elysee Palace

Stéphane Robert

Australian Open 2014 - Comment: Competitors need compensation if injury means they miss start of a Grand Slam

A trend of players pulling out of first round matches is emerging

Transfer news: Manchester United plan double swoop for Arturo Vidal and Paul Pogba - reports

David Moyes reportedly keen to sign the Juventus pair

Referee Nigel Owens escaped unhurt following a car accident on the M4 as he returned from Castres v Leinster on the weekend

Referee Nigel Owens escapes unhurt after car crash on the M4 as he returned from officiating Castres v Leinster in France

Owens thanked those who stopped to check he was ok as he made his way back to south Wales from his trip to France

It is the Belgians who have truly embraced the humble frite

Postcard from... Brussels

Valérie Trierweiler with her partner, François Hollande

Francois Hollande 'affair' latest: French first lady Valerie Trierweiler demands official statement and 'rapid clarification' of her status as hospital stay extended

The President’s official companion has told a French journalist that she is aware that some sort of official statement needs to be made

Homeserve fined £34.5m for ‘mis-selling’

Homeserve was today handed a £34.5 million fine by the City regulator after an investigation into alleged mis-selling at the emergency repairs group.

Forge ahead: The dining room; the chic interiors are a labour of love

B&B and Beyond: La Forge d'Hauterives, France

With views of the Côte d'Azur, this graceful guesthouse offers an intimate retreat in any season, says Lucy Gillmore

Bath prop David Wilson's calf injury leaves England short of options for the France game

Six Nations 2014: Injured trio could return for Ireland match

Stuart Lancaster believes three of England's orthopaedically challenged brigade – the Northampton full-back Ben Foden, the London Irish wing Marland Yarde and the Bath prop David Wilson – may return to fitness in time for the mid-point match of the Six Nations Championship, against Ireland at Twickenham on 22 February. The head coach did not say so openly, but he would surely take Wilson over the other two at this stage of proceedings.

George Ford (L) has been named in the England EPS squad in place of Toby Flood (R)

England: Stuart Lancaster names Elite Player Squad plus cover for Six Nations as injuries pile-up

England will be without a number of key players such as Manu Tuilagi, Alex Corbisiero and Tom Croft forcing Lancaster to name a second squad for next month's tournament

Jonny Wilkinson lifts the Heineken Cup

IRB step in to try and resolve Heineken Cup row as uncertainty over European rugby continues

The International Rugby Boar has promised to 'work actively with its unions towards the goal of achieving a unified and acceptable outcome for all involved'

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Day In a Page

Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence – MS Swiss Corona - seven nights from £999pp
Lake Maggiore, Orta and the Matterhorn – seven nights from £899pp
Sicily – seven nights from £939pp
Pompeii, Capri and the Bay of Naples - seven nights from £799pp
Istanbul Ephesus & Troy – six nights from £859pp
Mary Rose – two nights from £319pp
Middle East crisis: We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

Now Obama has seen the next US reporter to be threatened with beheading, will he blink, asks Robert Fisk
Neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries, latest study shows

Final resting place of our Neanderthal neighbours revealed

Bones dated to 40,000 years ago show species may have died out in Belgium species co-existed
Scottish independence: The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

Scotland’s immigrants are as passionate about the future of their adopted nation as anyone else
Britain's ugliest buildings: Which monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?

Blight club: Britain's ugliest buildings

Following the architect Cameron Sinclair's introduction of the Dead Prize, an award for ugly buildings, John Rentoul reflects on some of the biggest blots on the UK landscape
eBay's enduring appeal: Online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce retailer

eBay's enduring appeal

The online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce site
Culture Minister Ed Vaizey: ‘lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird’

'Lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird'

Culture Minister Ed Vaizey calls for immediate action to address the problem
Artist Olafur Eliasson's latest large-scale works are inspired by the paintings of JMW Turner

Magic circles: Artist Olafur Eliasson

Eliasson's works will go alongside a new exhibition of JMW Turner at Tate Britain. He tells Jay Merrick why the paintings of his hero are ripe for reinvention
Josephine Dickinson: 'A cochlear implant helped me to discover a new world of sound'

Josephine Dickinson: 'How I discovered a new world of sound'

After going deaf as a child, musician and poet Josephine Dickinson made do with a hearing aid for five decades. Then she had a cochlear implant - and everything changed
Greggs Google fail: Was the bakery's response to its logo mishap a stroke of marketing genius?

Greggs gives lesson in crisis management

After a mishap with their logo, high street staple Greggs went viral this week. But, as Simon Usborne discovers, their social media response was anything but half baked
Matthew McConaughey has been singing the praises of bumbags (shame he doesn't know how to wear one)

Matthew McConaughey sings the praises of bumbags

Shame he doesn't know how to wear one. Harriet Walker explains the dos and don'ts of fanny packs
7 best quadcopters and drones

Flying fun: 7 best quadcopters and drones

From state of the art devices with stabilised cameras to mini gadgets that can soar around the home, we take some flying objects for a spin
Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

The midfielder returned to the Premier League after two years last weekend. The controversial character had much to discuss after his first game back
Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

British No 1 knows his consistency as well as his fitness needs working on as he prepares for the US Open after a ‘very, very up and down’ year
Ferguson: In the heartlands of America, a descent into madness

A descent into madness in America's heartlands

David Usborne arrived in Ferguson, Missouri to be greeted by a scene more redolent of Gaza and Afghanistan
BBC’s filming of raid at Sir Cliff’s home ‘may be result of corruption’

BBC faces corruption allegation over its Sir Cliff police raid coverage

Reporter’s relationship with police under scrutiny as DG is summoned by MPs to explain extensive live broadcast of swoop on singer’s home