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Lugano lifts spirits at West Brom as Everton miss out

Charles Nevin: Time now for the canine o'clock news

Start the week...

Diary: Conspiracies hit rock bottom

Living in the cynical age that we undoubtedly do, it gives me no pleasure to report there have been some unsavoury mutterings following national treasure Carol Vorderman's triumph at yesterday's prestigious Rear of the Year ceremony. The flirty number cruncher came out on top despite repeated reports in the tabloids that this year's gong would be going to their new favourite pin-up, Pippa Middleton. Barely moments after Queen Carol's coronation at the Dorchester hotel, conspiracy theories were beginning to mount in a manner perhaps not seen since that old weasel Sepp Blatter announced "and the winner is... Qatar" at Fifa HQ last December. As "Arse-Gate" quickly began to gather momentum, veteran commentators were daring to suggest that poor Carol had "only been wheeled out because the posh Middleton girl wouldn't be seen dead at an event like this". While unfairly not recognised for my undercover work to date, I briefly set about attempting to get to the truth, only to be halted in my tracks by a sinister caller. "Let it go," growled the mystery voice. "This is big boys' stuff."

Johan Cruyff elected to Ajax board of directors

Johan Cruyff has been elected to the board of directors of Ajax in a move the club hopes will help it return to the glory days he ushered in as a player in the 1970s.

DJ Taylor: Blatter's no more than a bench player

Football is bigger than Fifa and its boss. Even on a good day, he has about as much to do with top sport as John Sergeant

Warner ready to turn heat on Blatter

Suspended Fifa vice-president Jack Warner has promised to release an email he sent to the organisation's president, Sepp Blatter, after a meeting of the Caribbean Football Union with then Fifa presidential candidate Mohamed Bin Hammam which became the subject of the cash-for-votes scandal.

Forget envelopes full of cash, this is why 'Football Family' voted Blatter...

A slew of corruption allegations mean Fifa's reputation in the UK is at an all-time low, but most of the world, and their football associations, seem unconcerned. Glenn Moore explains why

Hitzfeld goes back to the drawing board to plug holes up front for Swiss

After the humiliation inflicted by Sepp Blatter the Football Association could regard it as bitterly ironic that England's opposition at Wembley tomorrow are also Swiss. However, while the Fifa president appears as impregnable as ever his nation's footballers are at a low ebb.

Sepp Blatter wins Fifa president election

Sepp Blatter has been re-elected as president of FIFA after the Football Association's attempt to block the vote ended in heavy defeat and vengeful recriminations.

FA calls for delay to Fifa vote as 'point of principle'

Bernstein sticks to guns but acknowledges Blatter re-election is virtually guaranteed

Letter from the editor: The tyranny of Doublespeak

Remember as a child how you would sometimes be listening to adults and see their mouths moving but not understand a word?

Diary: The cost of curves

Never one to shy away from highlighting hypocrisy, readers may recall I was quick to note criticism of certain "quality" newspaper editors who seemed intent on publishing giant photographs of Mad Men's Christina Hendricks whenever given the slightest excuse. Indeed, I was careful to ensure my own written assault was accompanied by a sizeable picture of the said actress, just to drive home the point. (Disappointingly, certain readers later saw fit to question my motives, but that's another story).

James Lawton: Blatter is football's Mr Big and now the gangbusters must bring his empire down

When Acton declared that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, he might havebeen anticipating the creation of Fifa

Robin Scott-Elliot: Fifa is in the crisis – not that they realise it

It takes more than scandal to disturb the serenity of football's governing body

Leading article: The old regime lives to fight another day

It's been a bizarre couple of days. One evening the world is watching an exemplary Champions League final at Wembley, after which there is universal agreement that the better team won – probably, indeed, the most gifted and accomplished team to have competed for very many years. The very next day, you have an ethics hearing at the governing body of world football, Fifa, which finds that two senior officials have a case to answer over bribery allegations and announces a full-scale inquiry.

The Last Word: Club is essential but country is expendable

International rescue is needed as England players continue to walk away
Voices
The Sumatran tiger, endemic to the Indonesian island of Sumatra, is an endangered species
voicesJonathon Porritt: The wild tiger population is thought to have dropped by 97 per cent since 1900
Arts and Entertainment
Beast would strip to his underpants and take to the stage with a slogan scrawled on his bare chest whilst fans shouted “you fat bastard” at him
musicIndie music promoter was was a feature at Carter gigs
News
news
Arts and Entertainment
Story line: Susanoo slays the Yamata no Orochi serpent in the Japanese version of a myth dating back 40,000 years
arts + entsApplying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
News
Performers dressed as Tunnocks chocolate teacakes, a renowned Scottish confectionary, perform during the opening ceremony of the 2014 Commonwealth Games at Celtic Park in Glasgow on July 23, 2014.
news
Life and Style
Popular plonk: Lambrusco is selling strong
Food + drinkNaff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
News
Gardai wait for the naked man, who had gone for a skinny dip in Belfast Lough
newsTwo skinny dippers threatened with inclusion on sex offenders’ register as naturists criminalised
News
Shake down: Michelle and Barack Obama bump knuckles before an election night rally in Minnesota in 2008, the 'Washington Post' called it 'the fist bump heard round the world'
newsThe pound, a.k.a. the dap, greatly improves hygiene
Arts and Entertainment
La Roux
music
Arts and Entertainment
Graham Fellows as John Shuttleworth
comedySean O'Grady joins Graham Fellows down his local Spar
Career Services

Day In a Page

Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence – MS Swiss Corona - seven nights from £999pp
Lake Maggiore, Orta and the Matterhorn – seven nights from £899pp
Sicily – seven nights from £939pp
Pompeii, Capri and the Bay of Naples - seven nights from £799pp
Istanbul Ephesus & Troy – six nights from £859pp
Mary Rose – two nights from £319pp
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

The Guest List 2014

Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on