Hello and happy Valentine’s Day!

My name is Doctor Cupid Love (go with me on this) and I am here to test your heart for signs of romantic rupture. You see, I recently left an eight year relationship myself and since then I've been on the hunt for my next amour. It has been a somewhat industrial process and, so far, the old totem has done rather better than the soul but, one lovely thing to have come from my plethora of romantic interludes is my now extensive knowledge on the subject of infatuation.

On the down side I have herpes. (I don't).

So, enter my crush-clinic, remove your inhibitions and let me
press my sexoscope to your soft spot. I shall probe your passions and finger your fondness. I'm going to need gloves.

By the end of this article, you will know for certain whether or not your relationship is in rude health or terminal decline. You see, it is my firm belief that most of the people swapping cards this Valentine’s Day are going to end up dumped, divorced or dead before they discover true happiness and if I can do my bit to split them up before it's too late then God damn it I will! Now go behind the curtain and strip! Dr Cupid Love will see you now... 

(We see an incredibly good looking doctor with eyes that could kill and the legs of an Olympic gymnast, specialising in the pommel horse. He is sitting on a swivel chair with an air of languorous sexual vibration. A door opens, stage right, and you walk in…)

Hello, how have you been feeling? Shut up. I'm the doctor, not you. Sit down. Answer yes or no to the following…

Do you smile when you look at pictures of your partner?

Do you feel turned on by the sound of their voice?

Is going home after work an exciting moment?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Breathe out...and in...cough...

Do you like to watch your partner doing mundane things?

Do you think they're cute even when they're mid-orgasm?

Have you seen them orgasm in the last month?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Can you feel it when I poke you there? How about now...

Do you hope you'll still be with your partner when you're in your eighties?

Do you plan their Christmas presents from January?

Do you enjoy watching them open your gifts more than you enjoy opening your own?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...How long have you had this for? No it isn't a mole. Yes you probably should...

Do you sometimes check your partner's phone for unfaithful texts?

Do they take their phone to the toilet?

Have they ever leaned away from you whilst looking at their phone?

Have they changed their access pin?

Yes? Then your relationship is dead.

...Turn over please. Lift that up I'm not touching it...it's disgusting. Right...

Have you considered buying a puppy?

Your relationship is dead. 

Have you started masturbating in the bathroom?

Dead.

Do you have quiet nights in on Saturdays?

Dead.

Do you feel a sick feeling in your stomach every time you look at someone you find attractive, other than your partner?

Dead.

Is the food shop something to anticipate?

Dead.

Would a baby help to paper over your sense that something is missing?

Dead.

Do you worry you won’t have kids if you leave your partner?

So dead.

Are you considerably more plump now than when you were single?

Dead.

...Last few checks. Do you mind just gripping that while I hold the sponge?...

Do they kiss you on the back of the neck in bed?

Do you sometimes catch them looking at you and smiling for no reason?

Do you have to stop yourself from smiling when you're supposed to be in a row? No? Then I think I have your diagnosis. Get dressed, you’re disgusting.

I'm sorry to tell you that Cupid must have been using some pretty duff arrows because your relationship has less chance of surviving than a Romanian horse at Findus. Your relationship is so dead they just dug it up from a car park in Leicester. James Dean is less dead than your relationship. The kid in the Sixth Sense is the only person who can see your relationship. Your love is so dead it scares Yvette Fielding.

I diagnose an instant break-up. Side-effects will be pain, self-doubt, loneliness, guilt, anger and fear. But you’re wasting your life and a Valentine’s Day box of chocolates won’t save you. Cancel the overpriced dinner and kill your relationship like you would put down a fat, ugly dog. Wouldn’t you? I would.

Remember. Cupid is single.