A Valentine's Day message from Doctor Love: is your relationship doomed?

A quick test for you and your partner

Share
Related Topics

Hello and happy Valentine’s Day!

My name is Doctor Cupid Love (go with me on this) and I am here to test your heart for signs of romantic rupture. You see, I recently left an eight year relationship myself and since then I've been on the hunt for my next amour. It has been a somewhat industrial process and, so far, the old totem has done rather better than the soul but, one lovely thing to have come from my plethora of romantic interludes is my now extensive knowledge on the subject of infatuation.

On the down side I have herpes. (I don't).

So, enter my crush-clinic, remove your inhibitions and let me
press my sexoscope to your soft spot. I shall probe your passions and finger your fondness. I'm going to need gloves.

By the end of this article, you will know for certain whether or not your relationship is in rude health or terminal decline. You see, it is my firm belief that most of the people swapping cards this Valentine’s Day are going to end up dumped, divorced or dead before they discover true happiness and if I can do my bit to split them up before it's too late then God damn it I will! Now go behind the curtain and strip! Dr Cupid Love will see you now... 

(We see an incredibly good looking doctor with eyes that could kill and the legs of an Olympic gymnast, specialising in the pommel horse. He is sitting on a swivel chair with an air of languorous sexual vibration. A door opens, stage right, and you walk in…)

Hello, how have you been feeling? Shut up. I'm the doctor, not you. Sit down. Answer yes or no to the following…

Do you smile when you look at pictures of your partner?

Do you feel turned on by the sound of their voice?

Is going home after work an exciting moment?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Breathe out...and in...cough...

Do you like to watch your partner doing mundane things?

Do you think they're cute even when they're mid-orgasm?

Have you seen them orgasm in the last month?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Can you feel it when I poke you there? How about now...

Do you hope you'll still be with your partner when you're in your eighties?

Do you plan their Christmas presents from January?

Do you enjoy watching them open your gifts more than you enjoy opening your own?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...How long have you had this for? No it isn't a mole. Yes you probably should...

Do you sometimes check your partner's phone for unfaithful texts?

Do they take their phone to the toilet?

Have they ever leaned away from you whilst looking at their phone?

Have they changed their access pin?

Yes? Then your relationship is dead.

...Turn over please. Lift that up I'm not touching it...it's disgusting. Right...

Have you considered buying a puppy?

Your relationship is dead. 

Have you started masturbating in the bathroom?

Dead.

Do you have quiet nights in on Saturdays?

Dead.

Do you feel a sick feeling in your stomach every time you look at someone you find attractive, other than your partner?

Dead.

Is the food shop something to anticipate?

Dead.

Would a baby help to paper over your sense that something is missing?

Dead.

Do you worry you won’t have kids if you leave your partner?

So dead.

Are you considerably more plump now than when you were single?

Dead.

...Last few checks. Do you mind just gripping that while I hold the sponge?...

Do they kiss you on the back of the neck in bed?

Do you sometimes catch them looking at you and smiling for no reason?

Do you have to stop yourself from smiling when you're supposed to be in a row? No? Then I think I have your diagnosis. Get dressed, you’re disgusting.

I'm sorry to tell you that Cupid must have been using some pretty duff arrows because your relationship has less chance of surviving than a Romanian horse at Findus. Your relationship is so dead they just dug it up from a car park in Leicester. James Dean is less dead than your relationship. The kid in the Sixth Sense is the only person who can see your relationship. Your love is so dead it scares Yvette Fielding.

I diagnose an instant break-up. Side-effects will be pain, self-doubt, loneliness, guilt, anger and fear. But you’re wasting your life and a Valentine’s Day box of chocolates won’t save you. Cancel the overpriced dinner and kill your relationship like you would put down a fat, ugly dog. Wouldn’t you? I would.

Remember. Cupid is single.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Savvy Media Ltd: Media Sales executive - Crawley

£25k + commission + benefits: Savvy Media Ltd: Find a job you love and never h...

Austen Lloyd: Corporate Solicitor NQ+ Oxford

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: CORPORATE - Corporate Solicitor NQ+ An excelle...

Reach Volunteering: Financial Trustee and Company Secretary

Voluntary Only - Expenses Reimbursed: Reach Volunteering: A trustee (company d...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Project Manager

£45000 - £65000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Muslim men pray at the East London Mosque  

Sadly, it needs to be said again: being a Muslim is not a crime

Yasmin Alibhai Brown
In a world of Saudi bullying, right-wing Israeli ministers and the twilight of Obama, Iran is looking like a possible policeman of the Gulf

Iran is shifting from pariah to possible future policeman of the Gulf

Robert Fisk on our crisis with Iran
The young are the new poor: A third of young people pushed into poverty

The young are the new poor

Sharp increase in the number of under-25s living in poverty
Greens on the march: ‘We could be on the edge of something very big’

Greens on the march

‘We could be on the edge of something very big’
Revealed: the case against Bill Cosby - through the stories of his accusers

Revealed: the case against Bill Cosby

Through the stories of his accusers
Why are words like 'mongol' and 'mongoloid' still bandied about as insults?

The Meaning of Mongol

Why are the words 'mongol' and 'mongoloid' still bandied about as insults?
Mau Mau uprising: Kenyans still waiting for justice join class action over Britain's role in the emergency

Kenyans still waiting for justice over Mau Mau uprising

Thousands join class action over Britain's role in the emergency
Isis in Iraq: The trauma of the last six months has overwhelmed the remaining Christians in the country

The last Christians in Iraq

After 2,000 years, a community will try anything – including pretending to convert to Islam – to avoid losing everything, says Patrick Cockburn
Black Friday: Helpful discounts for Christmas shoppers, or cynical marketing by desperate retailers?

Helpful discounts for Christmas shoppers, or cynical marketing by desperate retailers?

Britain braced for Black Friday
Bill Cosby's persona goes from America's dad to date-rape drugs

From America's dad to date-rape drugs

Stories of Bill Cosby's alleged sexual assaults may have circulated widely in Hollywood, but they came as a shock to fans, says Rupert Cornwell
Clare Balding: 'Women's sport is kicking off at last'

Clare Balding: 'Women's sport is kicking off at last'

As fans flock to see England women's Wembley debut against Germany, the TV presenter on an exciting 'sea change'
Oh come, all ye multi-faithful: The Christmas jumper is in fashion, but should you wear your religion on your sleeve?

Oh come, all ye multi-faithful

The Christmas jumper is in fashion, but should you wear your religion on your sleeve?
Dr Charles Heatley: The GP off to do battle in the war against Ebola

The GP off to do battle in the war against Ebola

Dr Charles Heatley on joining the NHS volunteers' team bound for Sierra Leone
Flogging vlogging: First video bloggers conquered YouTube. Now they want us to buy their books

Flogging vlogging

First video bloggers conquered YouTube. Now they want us to buy their books
Saturday Night Live vs The Daily Show: US channels wage comedy star wars

Saturday Night Live vs The Daily Show

US channels wage comedy star wars
When is a wine made in Piedmont not a Piemonte wine? When EU rules make Italian vineyards invisible

When is a wine made in Piedmont not a Piemonte wine?

When EU rules make Italian vineyards invisible