A Valentine's Day message from Doctor Love: is your relationship doomed?

A quick test for you and your partner

Share
Related Topics

Hello and happy Valentine’s Day!

My name is Doctor Cupid Love (go with me on this) and I am here to test your heart for signs of romantic rupture. You see, I recently left an eight year relationship myself and since then I've been on the hunt for my next amour. It has been a somewhat industrial process and, so far, the old totem has done rather better than the soul but, one lovely thing to have come from my plethora of romantic interludes is my now extensive knowledge on the subject of infatuation.

On the down side I have herpes. (I don't).

So, enter my crush-clinic, remove your inhibitions and let me
press my sexoscope to your soft spot. I shall probe your passions and finger your fondness. I'm going to need gloves.

By the end of this article, you will know for certain whether or not your relationship is in rude health or terminal decline. You see, it is my firm belief that most of the people swapping cards this Valentine’s Day are going to end up dumped, divorced or dead before they discover true happiness and if I can do my bit to split them up before it's too late then God damn it I will! Now go behind the curtain and strip! Dr Cupid Love will see you now... 

(We see an incredibly good looking doctor with eyes that could kill and the legs of an Olympic gymnast, specialising in the pommel horse. He is sitting on a swivel chair with an air of languorous sexual vibration. A door opens, stage right, and you walk in…)

Hello, how have you been feeling? Shut up. I'm the doctor, not you. Sit down. Answer yes or no to the following…

Do you smile when you look at pictures of your partner?

Do you feel turned on by the sound of their voice?

Is going home after work an exciting moment?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Breathe out...and in...cough...

Do you like to watch your partner doing mundane things?

Do you think they're cute even when they're mid-orgasm?

Have you seen them orgasm in the last month?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...Can you feel it when I poke you there? How about now...

Do you hope you'll still be with your partner when you're in your eighties?

Do you plan their Christmas presents from January?

Do you enjoy watching them open your gifts more than you enjoy opening your own?

No? Then your relationship is dead.

...How long have you had this for? No it isn't a mole. Yes you probably should...

Do you sometimes check your partner's phone for unfaithful texts?

Do they take their phone to the toilet?

Have they ever leaned away from you whilst looking at their phone?

Have they changed their access pin?

Yes? Then your relationship is dead.

...Turn over please. Lift that up I'm not touching it...it's disgusting. Right...

Have you considered buying a puppy?

Your relationship is dead. 

Have you started masturbating in the bathroom?

Dead.

Do you have quiet nights in on Saturdays?

Dead.

Do you feel a sick feeling in your stomach every time you look at someone you find attractive, other than your partner?

Dead.

Is the food shop something to anticipate?

Dead.

Would a baby help to paper over your sense that something is missing?

Dead.

Do you worry you won’t have kids if you leave your partner?

So dead.

Are you considerably more plump now than when you were single?

Dead.

...Last few checks. Do you mind just gripping that while I hold the sponge?...

Do they kiss you on the back of the neck in bed?

Do you sometimes catch them looking at you and smiling for no reason?

Do you have to stop yourself from smiling when you're supposed to be in a row? No? Then I think I have your diagnosis. Get dressed, you’re disgusting.

I'm sorry to tell you that Cupid must have been using some pretty duff arrows because your relationship has less chance of surviving than a Romanian horse at Findus. Your relationship is so dead they just dug it up from a car park in Leicester. James Dean is less dead than your relationship. The kid in the Sixth Sense is the only person who can see your relationship. Your love is so dead it scares Yvette Fielding.

I diagnose an instant break-up. Side-effects will be pain, self-doubt, loneliness, guilt, anger and fear. But you’re wasting your life and a Valentine’s Day box of chocolates won’t save you. Cancel the overpriced dinner and kill your relationship like you would put down a fat, ugly dog. Wouldn’t you? I would.

Remember. Cupid is single.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Maths Teacher

£110 - £200 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Maths Teacher for spe...

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker