If you ask me: I once rode roughshod over Christians. Never again!

If you pay selective attention to the teachings of Our Lord, you will know that the only proper life is one lived in the bright, white light of Christian heterosexual values.

Share

If you ask me, I’m wondering what we think of Lord Carey accusing Nick Clegg of “riding roughshod over Christians” for planning to call those who oppose gay marriage “bigots”?

In the end, and being a man not of his word, Clegg actually substituted “some people” for “bigot”, and you know what? I don’t blame him. Who wants to ride roughshod over Christians? I once did, and it was not pleasant, as they are just so wriggly. In future, I will use a Honda Civic, which promises a very smooth ride whatever, and I would strongly suggest you do the same.

I’m kidding! My little joke! Come on. I would no more run over Christians in a Honda Civic than I would in any other car of Japanese design, like a Toyota Yaris. I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t because... here’s the thing: I’m a committed Christian myself and I, too, fiercely oppose gay marriage. But a bigot? An intolerant, prejudiced homophobe? I don’t think so. It just goes against my firmly held beliefs, is all.

I follow the teachings of Our Lord, and if you pay selective attention to the teachings of Our Lord, as any self-respecting Christian will do, you will know that the only proper life is one lived in the bright, white light of Christian heterosexual values. I have never felt differently. OK, when I was growing up, I supported Chrissie Evert even though, if you’d followed my gaze, you’d have seen I couldn’t take my eyes off Martina Navratilova’s bum, but wasn’t that just my squint? And as for checking The Well of Loneliness out of the library over and over, wasn’t I simply curious to know how a well could be so lonely?

Yes, I once kissed a girl called Emily, and felt myself come over all funny, but unless you know what same-sex sexual contact might entail, how do you know what you should be ashamed of? And when we went to bed together, didn’t I know it was wrong, especially after the 78th time? Didn’t I know Jesus would have something to say about  it? Sure, he had two dads, but no one is perfect, right?

Anyway, after a 17-year courtship, I am now married to John, with whom I selectively read the Bible most nights, even though my mind might drift to thinking about, say,  Clare Balding, but only because she is just such a tip-top broadcaster. (I once even called out “Clare! Clare!” during sex with John, can you believe!)

Why am I telling you all this? Because some people say the only real reason anyone might oppose gay marriage, or express any homophobic view, is because, deep down, they fear their own homosexual tendencies. I hope you can now see this is far from true.

We selectively read the Bible most nights, though my mind drifts to, say, Clare Balding.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Senior Research Fellow in Gender, Food and Resilient Communities

£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker