If you ask me...my new book contains everything you'll ever need to know about Downton Abbey

"Iron your own shoelaces, Lady Mary, you lazy bitch" and other lines Downton characters probably haven't said

Share

If you ask me, now that the latest series of Downton Abbey has come to an end, I would like to present my Downtonopedia, which contains all the facts you will ever need to know about Downton collected into one slim volume which, I admit, could have been fatter, and would have been, if only I’d been able to sustain my interest. Still, here is an excerpt, just to give you a flavour... 

What The Characters Are Least Likely To Say, More’s The Pity:

Bates: It’s a fair cop. I did it!

Anna: I saw him!’

O’Brien: Whoever it was, it wasn’t Thomas!

Lord Grantham: To hell with the status quo.

Anna: Iron your own shoelaces, Lady Mary, you lazy bitch.

Lady Cora: My whiny little voice and constipated little face irritate even me.

Carson: It does not matter from which side you serve the soup, you dolt.

Lady Mary: Enough with the agricultural talk, Matthew. As it is, you’ve sent my ovaries to sleep.

O’Brien: What’s overheard through the heating duct stays in the heating duct.

Matthew: A boner!

Lord Grantham: I’m afraid I’m not going to interrupt proceedings to announce an important political development or the invention of the Breville sandwich toaster, just so you know.

Tom: The Irish potato famine was nothing, in the big scheme of things.

Carson: As I appear to be having one of my less stoic, redoubtable days, I plan to take myself and my big head to the nearest meadow where I will dance naked with bells.

Lord Grantham: A fast-track promotion scheme for homosexuals in my employ! I’ve never heard such a thing!

Dowager Violet: Today, I will try not to say anything that could be embroidered on a cushion. 

O’Brien: What bar of soap?

Lady Edith: Was I spitefully lively once?

Lady Mary: Was I interesting once?

Julian Fellowes: I’m off to bed early, as I seem to be suffering from narrative strain.

If you would like to see more of this book, which includes, for example, a section on What Downton Most Needs – a revolving door to accommodate Bates’s endless cycles of redemption and exile would be most helpful, for instance – it is available from The Independent Bookshop at £790. Steep, but includes a pull-out map of the village and the best place to buy buttons, in full colour.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Telesales & Customer Service Executive - Call Centre Jobs

£7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - Covent Garden, central London - £45k - £55k

£45000 - £55000 per annum + 30 days holiday: Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - ...

Ashdown Group: Systems Administrator - Lancashire - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: 3rd Line Support Engineer / Network ...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Web Developer

£26000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Web Developer is required to ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron met with Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko prior to the start of the European Council Summit in Brussels last month  

David Cameron talks big but is waving a small stick at the Russian bear

Kim Sengupta
 

Isis in Iraq: Even if Iraqi troops take back Saddam’s city of Tikrit they will face bombs and booby traps

Patrick Cockburn
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

It's not easy being Green

After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

Gorillas nearly missed

BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

The Downton Abbey effect

Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

China's wild panda numbers on the up

New census reveals 17% since 2003