Megan Fox is beautiful. I must save bombshells like her from extinction

I interviewed Megan Fox for Esquire*, and was literally blown away by her symmetry

Share
Related Topics

Deep in her house, I am entertaining actress Megan Fox with a little story about human sacrifice.

I tell her about how the ancient Aztecs used to pick a perfect man to live among them as a god. He would be beautiful, fit and healthy, with ideal proportions, like Russell Crowe before the bloat.

Megan Fox is enraptured by what I’m telling her. I know this because she’s gazing at me with her eyes all glassy in contemplation, and her mouth open with questions on the tip of her tongue. I like how she looks. If she spoke, I think those questions would have been quite something.

Fox had earlier been telling me about how being famous is really, really hard. She's sitting on a sofa in workout clothes. I am completely shocked at the realisation that the sweat patches from her armpits are completely symmetrical.

But that was nothing compared to the moment I realised just how symmetrical her face is up close. I fainted. When I came to, I was shocked again when I realised that Megan Fox had two holes on the end of her nose, and that these holes are of the exact same width. I know this because she let me measure them. 

Megan Fox is a beautiful monument like the Taj Mahal. It is only a matter of time before the Duchess of Cambridge is photographed sitting in front of her, looking sad. Even her eyes are exactly the same colour. The eyebrow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, or a maze I could get lost in only to be plucked out by the tweezer of reality.

She is flawless.

I put a cushion on my lap to steady my dictaphone.

Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be like an old-world relic, like movie palaces, fountain pens or HMV. Bombshells once used to roam the world like dinosaurs with perfect breasts, but then the ice age came and they died. I want to save Megan Fox from the ice age.  I throw a blanket at her. She doesn’t notice. The idea of bombshells like Megan Fox under threat disturbs me.

Feminism and degradation both played their part in destroying these bombshells. If you want to see half naked women, it's a click away and on the front cover of this magazine, so it happens.

But the problem is that women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lurgey Girl Lena Dunham, Fatty Adele, Lady Specsavers and Amy Grizzly Adams (I spit here at the mention of those mingers) are all perfectly, pleasantly plain - and yet they actually get work!

Megan is preparing for the end of times by studying the Bible.

"I've read the Bible," Megan Fox says. "I don’t get it. I mean, she’s pregnant right? And there were no vacancies at the Inn, right? Were the hospitals all closed or something? Couldn’t they have gone to ER?"

My God she’s beautiful. She's much more comfortable talking about God than her career. Beautiful, feminine, curvaceous and religious, she is the exact opposite of Richard Dawkins.

"When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like now, if that is a sign the world is ending, then what are the other signs? Is it the internet or fame itself or celebrity? If I trend on Twitter, does that mean I’m the antichrist or the second coming?"

My God she’s beautiful.

I put another cushion on my lap to steady my dictaphone.

Megan Fox had tried to escape from her fate as a sex symbol. She played a man eating monster in Jennifer's Body, the most criminally underrated film since Citizen Kane.

But she doesn't want to be famous anymore. I know this because she told me.

Beautiful.

I remove the cushions from my lap and switch off my Dictaphone. Megan Fox, American bombshell, takes my hand, walks me to the door and leaves to attend to her newborn son. Her son is called Noah. In the ancient story of the flood, Noah rescues animals from extinction by building an enormous Ark.

This gives me an idea.

*as imagined by Victoria Wright, following the real interview with Megan Fox featured in Esquire magazine this month

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Development Manager

Salary/Rate: £32,000/annum: M&E Global Resources Ltd: Description/Main Duties ...

IT Systems Manager

£40000 - £45000 per annum + pension, healthcare,25 days: Ashdown Group: An est...

Application Support Analyst / Junior SQL Server DBA

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: An established professional services...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Birmingham - Huxley Associates

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Huxley Associates are currentl...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

In Sickness and in Health: It’s been lonely in bed without my sleep soulmate

Rebecca Armstrong
A man shoots at targets depicting a portrait of Russian President Vladimir Putin, in a shooting range in the center of the western Ukrainian city of Lviv  

Why do we stand by and watch Putin?

Ian Birrell
Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

The big names to look for this fashion week

This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor