Middle class problems: Eating out with children

No. 127: It is all very well to provide crayons and a colouring-in sheet, but what self-respecting child is going to be satisfied with that?

What is more sociable a prospect than eating out? Meeting friends, sharing plates (hands off mine, thanks very much – I ordered it because I like it, not because I want you to like it for me), conviviality itself.

What is more chilling a prospect than eating out with your own children – friends or no friends in tow? It is not that they need sustenance at different times to we adults. An hour here, an hour there – just forgo that mid-morning tea and biccies, and we can eat when they do. It is not that there might be nothing on the menu they'll want – sausages and fish fingers for the tots are near-ubiquitous now. It's what to do with them at any moment when they're not chewing away, be that pre-ordering, between dishes or simply while waiting for everyone else to finish.

It is all very well to provide crayons and a colouring-in sheet, but what self-respecting child is going to be satisfied with that? Where's the iPad? Where's Postman Pat? Where's the Furchester Hotel? These are questions that need answering, and dammit if they aren't going to wander off to try to find someone to do exactly that. And end up wandering around the restaurant until you can shake off the exhaustion to go get them.

As for babies… got a tablecloth? Not for long you haven't. Put forks and knives within range? What's wrong with you? Given them food they scarfed down yesterday? That is going nowhere but the floor, my friend. Friendly owner wants to pat the bubba's cheek? Cue tears.

Such a shame summer's over. Picnics were so much easier…