Nick Clegg's NHS is no good if you've got a life

Share

And still he goes on, the masochistic Mr Clegg, with the radio show on which he routinely exposes himself to ridicule, fury, accusations of hypocrisy, and questions about onesies. Last week he waded into a debate about how to change the NHS, the health service formerly known as one of Britain's greatest achievements. Clegg's big idea is to charge people for their treatment in A&E if they are there for alcohol-related injuries.

This is obviously a brilliant idea as it will punish the selfish and the feckless (and also the desperate and the silly), and I'm sure that Mr Clegg has thought of a way to extract the money from these people even when they don't actually have it. Perhaps he knows of an operation for that. Of course, there would be a charge for it.

While we're about it, let's also refuse treatment that is free at the point of access to other people who have ended up in trouble entirely through their own stupidity. Smokers – such as Nick Clegg – for example. People who go skiing. Let's definitely charge anyone who plays rugby. I don't know if each occasion of drunkenness is statistically less dangerous than each incidence of scrimmage, but there is definitely more blood on the average rugby pitch than in most provincial nightclubs. It only follows, then, to punish anyone who does any sport. Let's penalise marathon runners, who would not need treatment for those torn hamstrings and wonky knees if they weren't so thoughtlessly doing all that running around for charity without a thought of the cost to the poor taxpayer. Make the selfish bastards pay.

While penalising all of this reckless behaviour, we'll have to develop a system for identifying the more responsible citizens. There will be a DNA test so that those requiring medical treatment can prove to their GP that they always eat five pieces of fruit or vegetables every day, work out regularly (but not in a dangerous, high-impact way) and clean their teeth for two minutes at a time. People who are overweight will, of course, be refused any help until they get thinner. Those who are underweight because they have been forced to choose between heating and food should definitely be billed extra. Anyone who is old must be saddled with an extra surcharge for having the indecency not to die sooner, and more cheaply.

All dangerous behaviour will be ranked according to the likelihood of injury, and the size of the risk-taker's inevitable hospital bill will be dictated by the degree of hazard. Such activities will range from going out of the house and crossing the road to owning a dog. Hell, even bras "can kill" – by making your SatNav signal go wonky, apparently.

Really putting oneself in harm's way, regularly, wilfully and without any thought of the consequences, will incur special penalties and its very own circle of NHS hell. Anyone who repeatedly appears on national radio making statements so offensive and stupid that listeners will be hardly able to resist punching them in the face, then? Stick them in an A&E waiting room and don't let them out until they mend their ways. That'll teach 'em.

twitter.com/@katyguest36912

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Education Recruitment Consultant- Learning Support

£18000 - £30000 per annum + Generous commission scheme: AER Teachers: Thames T...

All Primary NQT's

£100 - £120 per day + per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Description Calling a...

DT Teacher - Food Technology

£100 - £145 per day + Pension and travel: Randstad Education Maidstone: SUPPLY...

Supply Teachers Needed in Thetford

£21000 - £35000 per annum: Randstad Education Cambridge: Supply teachers neede...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Why black cats make amazing pets, and take good selfies too

Felicity Morse
Children of a bygone era  

Kids these days aren't what they used to be — they're a lot better. So why the fuss?

Archie Bland
Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices
Could our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?

Could smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases?

Health Kit and Google Fit have been described as "the beginning of a health revolution"
Ryanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?

Can we learn to love Ryanair again?

Four recent travellers give their verdicts on the carrier's improved customer service
Billionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers

Spanx launches range of jeans

The jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and will go on sale in the UK in October
10 best over-ear headphones

Aural pleasure: 10 best over-ear headphones

Listen to your favourite tracks with this selection, offering everything from lambskin earmuffs to stainless steel
Commonwealth Games 2014: David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end

Commonwealth Games

David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end
UCI Mountain Bike World Cup 2014: Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings

UCI Mountain Bike World Cup

Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star