Is this week over yet? Because we’ve already been through a lot, people. Birthing an heir to the throne is tough work. But making sense of the Duchess’s current and future body shape is even more exhausting, am I right? When it came to the latter task, thank goodness we could all come together, join hands and raise our voices to say, “We got this, Kate.” It reminds me of that inspiring quote from some super insightful famous lady: It takes a village to raise a child and get his mum’s body back to bikini readiness. Just stop for a moment and let that spiritual call to action wash over you.
I say hats off to all the tabloid editors toiling through the night to ensure that we get every last detail of the “Post-Baby Weight Loss Regime” gathered so diligently before the tiny royal baby made his appearance. Cheers to the “experts” offering uninformed speculation. Applause for the fitness trainers and diet companies selflessly promoting their wares for Kate’s benefit and the benefit of mothers everywhere. Oh, and where would we be without the sage wisdom of bodysnarking blog commenters and fat shamers of the Twitterverse? High fives all around, guys. You don’t get how women’s bodies do that childbirth thing? You are unaware that it takes more than five minutes for that unsightly “bump” to go away? What strength it must require to plough through your confusion and find such clear and cutting prose to express your ignorance. “Kate looks fat lol” Undaunted courage! Lack of punctuation! It’s all so moving when you look at what a glorious tapestry we’ve woven. Some might call it teamwork. I prefer to call it community.
The special beauty of this group effort is that it serves a greater good. If we all do our part to grow this Body-Hating New Mother Market, we might be able to save the dying weight loss industry! Don’t let those towers of cash sitting on scales of solid gold fool you. It’s very precarious and things could go south at any moment--especially if we let rabble rousers like Katy Hill up in our business. Who does she think she is telling women that we’re supposed to just relax and not devote ourselves to shedding baby weight? Where does she get off suggesting that we make peace with our human bodies while they’re busy recovering from making little humans? And what would we even do with all that time and money if we weren’t investing it in the post-baby profit web? After all, we’ve got this lose-win thing almost down to a science! We stress about losing weight and open our wallets. Magazines win advertisers and newsstand sales. Weight loss and fitness companies win customers. Cosmetic surgeons win patients willing to subject themselves to “mommy makeover”/nip, tuck, WTF surgeries. Celebrities win publicity and endorsement deals. And wait, what’s in it for us again? Oh, right. We’re the losers.
There is a prize to keep chasing, though. It’s the alluring promise that no matter how shaken and stirred our lives may be after we move into motherhood, no matter overwhelmed or disconnected from our former selves we may feel, we can fix all those anxieties if we can just manage to “get our bodies back.” So come along. There are celebrities to scrutinize, plans to follow, things and more things to buy. All this is ours, villagers.
Claire Mysko is the author Does This Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat? The Essential Guide to Loving Your Body Before and After Baby and You’re Amazing! A No-Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self. She oversees content for Proud2Bme, a program of the National Eating Disorders Association.