Rejoice! An open letter to dear Kate Middleton and Prince William, who are expecting their first child

Including a few tips on how to make the issue of their love appeal to the masses

Share
Related Topics

Dear Catherine and William,

What utterly wonderful news. You must be thrilled! Naturally the whole nation is chuffed for you. The letters of congratulation will come flooding in, the emails, tweets, royal Facebook messages with special elbow length white gloves, and so on. And deservedly so: even rascal republicans like me take delight in that most simple and superior of joys, the arrival of a new life on Earth, and find ourselves smiling at your blissful news.

In particular, I do hope that news of acute morning sickness is a passing rather than permanent concern.

Your imminent parenthood is of course the perfect moment for you to renounce the luxuries of royal patronage and aristocracy, in favour of the middle-class normality that most of your fellow compatriots enjoy. Forgive me if I offer a few starting points.

First, lose the titles. Neither of you have a special claim on the glorious city of Cambridge, so quit pretending that you do.

Second, give the gorgeous little issue of your love a plainly English name. Larry, for instance, or Louise; not Marmaduke or Petronella.

Third, send the little prince or princess to a normal school. Not necessarily a bog standard comprehensive; grammar school would be fine, but better still would be any old city academy.

Fourth, get a decent suburban townhouse to raise your family in, rather than a vast palace which will merely articulate his or her distance from the people he or she will serve.

Fifth and finally, at all costs don’t let Uncle Harry buy your kid a ticket to LA.

If you do these things, I should think everyone will be a winner. Your baby will thank you for the life of relative freedom you’ve bestowed. Your own lives will be free of all those press trips to random Pacific islands that you don’t really enjoy. And above all, we’ll have a royal family that actually bears some resemblance to the people of this country.

But tut tut, I hear you say. Now is not the time for republicans to harp on about such antediluvian nonsense as “democracy” or “people power”. On the contrary, I think now is precisely the time for us to restate our case, which I’ll do in another letter to you soon.

For now, heartiest congratulations on your lovely news, and very best wishes for the anxious, thrilling, and ultimately joyful time to come. Even those of us who think your public role a total fraud shall raise a glass to you this evening. We wish you well.

Yours in solidarity,

AMOL

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

HR Manager - Kent - £45,000

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: HR Manager / Training Manager (L&D /...

Senior QA Engineer - Agile, SCRUM

£35000 - £50000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior QA Engineer (Agil...

Marketing Executive - West Midlands - £28,000

£26000 - £28000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Digital Marketing Executive (SEO, PP...

Retail Business Analyst

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our retail client ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: We are winning the fight against extreme poverty and hunger. It's time to up the ante

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
David Cameron addresses No campagn supporters in Aberdeen  

Scottish independence: Cameron faces a choice between destroying his country or his party

Matthew Norman
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week