Time to take Ukip seriously now? Don’t make me laugh

They're a rising political force, but even if I try my hardest I can't stop the giggles

Ukip leader Nigel Farage in laughjing mood after the by-election result in Eastleigh, Hampshire (Matt Cardy/Getty Images)

If you ask me, I know that, after the Eastleigh by-election results, everyone is saying we now have to take Ukip seriously, but you know what? I just won’t. I could if I tried my damndest, I suppose, just as I could probably play golf, if I tried my damndest, but the will, I’m afraid, simply isn’t there, and my damndest just looked at me contemptuously and said: “On your bike, my lovely”.

So, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll carry on laughing at them. Some days, I wake up laughing at them and go to bed laughing at them. It’s exhausting, laughing at Ukip – my ribs ache; I can wake at 3am, chortling – but take them seriously? That’s like saying to a child: “Don’t use a tissue. Blow on your sleeve.” It’s playing into their hands. It’s what the Tories are now doing, with their own lurch to the right and talk of scrapping the Human Rights Act, the only legislation in place to stop governments doing exactly what they fancy. True, laughing at Ukip can be a drag – I don’t particularly want to wake at 3am, chortling; I’m tired the next day – but it isn’t hard. You could cut your teeth on the BNP, if you like, and just work your way up if it is up, and not just along, with snazzier suits. (I once spent a day with the BNP. Favourite quote? “I can’t tell you my name, love, as I work in security, but it’s Terry.” I sometimes wake at 5am, laughing at this one .)

Need some guidance about what to laugh at? Aside from their Europhobic scare-tactics – EU plans to straighten bananas! – which I’m guessing you’ve laughed at already, along with their xenophobia and the way they probably purr with pleasure every time they see a British flag? And, I take it, you’ve already laughed at their to plans to ‘‘stand up for the people’s interests” unless those people happen to be gay, and interested in getting married, in which case they can take a hike?

Well, you could always look at their policies, which appear to have been written on a napkin one evening when nothing else was going on. I was particularly delighted to find they intend to impose a levy of 25p on all overseas visitors to raise money for the restoration of Big Ben. What, with little pay booths at all ports, stations and airports? Is this what they have in store for our borders? Terrific.

So, laugh at them, and don’t confuse by-election results with anything that could happen at a general election unless you really want to scare the ever-loving shit out of yourself? Up to you, but I’ve made my decision already.