Nevin's Notes: 01/05/2010

An alternative take on the election

Share
Related Topics


Duffy decisions


Almost the last word. Consequent to my mission to bring you the widest waterfrontage of political debate available anywhere in this election, I have been, naturally, canvassing opinion on the televised debates and the campaign in general from people called Duffy.

Ready? 1. Mrs D Duffy, of Liverpool: D Cameron: "Did extremely well". G Brown: "I feel a bit sorry for him, he's done his best". Overall: "Three debates is enough". 2. Mr James Duffy of Bampton, Oxon: "I haven't been paying that much attention as I am far too busy with my successful handyman business which you will find listed in Yellow Pages". 3. Carol Ann Duffy, poet laureate: No reply as yet. Mrs Joan Duffy of Glasgow: "No faith in any of them whatsoever. I shall be voting for someone with no chance as a protest". 4. Jack Duffy, English tutor, of Aberdeen: Inclined towards a Lib-Lab coalition. Best use of English: too close to call. 5. Duffy, singer: see 3 above. 6. Mrs Laura Duffy, Duffy School of Irish Dancing, St Albans: Floating voter. 7. At least one Duffy fell asleep.

Anchormen and apathy

Wait, though: a verdict from Jonathan Maitland, author of The Complete and Utter Guide to the 2010 Election. Maitland, also given the ambitious task by ITV's Tonight programme of organising a meeting of apathetic voters, has this on the most important tussle: "D Dimbers: kindly headmaster, unjudgeable, as broadcasting royalty. Ask his butler. Alastair Stewart: appeared to have been plugged into v high voltage mains immediately before transmission. Adam Boulton: exact opposite: like a man temporarily distracted from the enviable task of consuming a large consignment of sausage rolls. All of them: glorified timekeepers. Next time: Ant, Dec and Nicholas Parsons (all above)." Note: Number of people at the apathy meeting: One.

Clegg's in the frame

Laugh? D Cameron (best imagined in cockney with arm resting on microphone stand): "Tony Blair? It's great to have him back in the country. He's one of the few people who can actually afford another Labour government..." Next, N Clegg, during a break (yes!) in the snooker at the Crucible (try Yorks accent): "I was thinking what can I say... they're snookered ... the reds are going down the hole ... and then I remembered the blue's worth more than the yellow..." Not quite ready for Glasgow yet, lads.

Glasgow miss

Glasgow! Janey Godley, former city landlady, now top comic, in The Herald on short-changing Gordon, twice, when he was Chancellor: "I wondered if either he didn't notice or was too scared to confront me. But I decided that maybe he just couldn't add up." She should have tried it on the famously tight Tommy Cooper; here he is in a pub: "You've got to understand, it's not the principle of the thing, it's the money." But Gordon can be very funny: who else could have pulled off that car crash yesterday? And this is one of his favourite gags: "How do you call a dinosaur in for its dinner? Tea, Rex!" Come on, that must be worth a vote somewhere!

Show me the money...

Exciting! I've just had an email from D Cameron, offering me a contract to help the Conservative Party to run Britain. Flattering, but I've had to ask two vital questions: 1. How much are you paying? 2. Are there expenses? So far the response situation closely resembles Duffy 3 above. More as I have it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

IT Project Manager (technical, applications, infrastructure)

£55000 - £60000 Per Annum + benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: IT Proj...

English Teacher (Bristol and South Gloucestershire)

Negotiable: Randstad Education Bristol: English teachers for day to day cover,...

Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Sheffield: Year 6 Teacher RequiredThis teaching...

SharePoint Administrator - Bishop's Stortford / Stansted

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: SharePoint Administrator - Bishop's ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Lorena Ochoa tees off from the 18th with the St Andrews clubhouse in the background, during the 2007 Women's British Open  

There’s a momentous vote in Scotland today: St Andrews may admit women golfers

Jane Merrick
 

Scottish independence: A fairer Scotland is within our grasp

Blair Jenkins
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week