Nevin's Notes: 01/05/2010

An alternative take on the election

Related Topics

Duffy decisions

Almost the last word. Consequent to my mission to bring you the widest waterfrontage of political debate available anywhere in this election, I have been, naturally, canvassing opinion on the televised debates and the campaign in general from people called Duffy.

Ready? 1. Mrs D Duffy, of Liverpool: D Cameron: "Did extremely well". G Brown: "I feel a bit sorry for him, he's done his best". Overall: "Three debates is enough". 2. Mr James Duffy of Bampton, Oxon: "I haven't been paying that much attention as I am far too busy with my successful handyman business which you will find listed in Yellow Pages". 3. Carol Ann Duffy, poet laureate: No reply as yet. Mrs Joan Duffy of Glasgow: "No faith in any of them whatsoever. I shall be voting for someone with no chance as a protest". 4. Jack Duffy, English tutor, of Aberdeen: Inclined towards a Lib-Lab coalition. Best use of English: too close to call. 5. Duffy, singer: see 3 above. 6. Mrs Laura Duffy, Duffy School of Irish Dancing, St Albans: Floating voter. 7. At least one Duffy fell asleep.

Anchormen and apathy

Wait, though: a verdict from Jonathan Maitland, author of The Complete and Utter Guide to the 2010 Election. Maitland, also given the ambitious task by ITV's Tonight programme of organising a meeting of apathetic voters, has this on the most important tussle: "D Dimbers: kindly headmaster, unjudgeable, as broadcasting royalty. Ask his butler. Alastair Stewart: appeared to have been plugged into v high voltage mains immediately before transmission. Adam Boulton: exact opposite: like a man temporarily distracted from the enviable task of consuming a large consignment of sausage rolls. All of them: glorified timekeepers. Next time: Ant, Dec and Nicholas Parsons (all above)." Note: Number of people at the apathy meeting: One.

Clegg's in the frame

Laugh? D Cameron (best imagined in cockney with arm resting on microphone stand): "Tony Blair? It's great to have him back in the country. He's one of the few people who can actually afford another Labour government..." Next, N Clegg, during a break (yes!) in the snooker at the Crucible (try Yorks accent): "I was thinking what can I say... they're snookered ... the reds are going down the hole ... and then I remembered the blue's worth more than the yellow..." Not quite ready for Glasgow yet, lads.

Glasgow miss

Glasgow! Janey Godley, former city landlady, now top comic, in The Herald on short-changing Gordon, twice, when he was Chancellor: "I wondered if either he didn't notice or was too scared to confront me. But I decided that maybe he just couldn't add up." She should have tried it on the famously tight Tommy Cooper; here he is in a pub: "You've got to understand, it's not the principle of the thing, it's the money." But Gordon can be very funny: who else could have pulled off that car crash yesterday? And this is one of his favourite gags: "How do you call a dinosaur in for its dinner? Tea, Rex!" Come on, that must be worth a vote somewhere!

Show me the money...

Exciting! I've just had an email from D Cameron, offering me a contract to help the Conservative Party to run Britain. Flattering, but I've had to ask two vital questions: 1. How much are you paying? 2. Are there expenses? So far the response situation closely resembles Duffy 3 above. More as I have it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Executive / Digital Marketing Executive

£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A luxury beauty house with a nu...

Recruitment Genius: Housekeepers - Immediate Start

£8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This company are currently recruiting new exp...

Recruitment Genius: Head Concierge

£25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This award winning Property Man...

Recruitment Genius: Content, SEO and PPC Executive

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A fantastic opportunity has ari...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Clean energy should be our mission to the moon

Martin Rees
Angela Merkel and David Cameron say goodbye in the Bundeskanzleramt after their meeting in Berlin, Germany, 29 May 2015  

The complacency of Europhiles could lose them the referendum

Steve Richards
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific
In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

Dame Colette Bowe - interview
When do the creative juices dry up?

When do the creative juices dry up?

David Lodge thinks he knows
The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

Fashion's Cher moment

Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

Health fears over school cancer jab

Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

Weather warning

Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

High hopes for LSD

Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

Saving Private Brandt

A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral