Nevin's Notes: 01/05/2010

An alternative take on the election
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The Independent Online

Duffy decisions

Almost the last word. Consequent to my mission to bring you the widest waterfrontage of political debate available anywhere in this election, I have been, naturally, canvassing opinion on the televised debates and the campaign in general from people called Duffy.

Ready? 1. Mrs D Duffy, of Liverpool: D Cameron: "Did extremely well". G Brown: "I feel a bit sorry for him, he's done his best". Overall: "Three debates is enough". 2. Mr James Duffy of Bampton, Oxon: "I haven't been paying that much attention as I am far too busy with my successful handyman business which you will find listed in Yellow Pages". 3. Carol Ann Duffy, poet laureate: No reply as yet. Mrs Joan Duffy of Glasgow: "No faith in any of them whatsoever. I shall be voting for someone with no chance as a protest". 4. Jack Duffy, English tutor, of Aberdeen: Inclined towards a Lib-Lab coalition. Best use of English: too close to call. 5. Duffy, singer: see 3 above. 6. Mrs Laura Duffy, Duffy School of Irish Dancing, St Albans: Floating voter. 7. At least one Duffy fell asleep.

Anchormen and apathy

Wait, though: a verdict from Jonathan Maitland, author of The Complete and Utter Guide to the 2010 Election. Maitland, also given the ambitious task by ITV's Tonight programme of organising a meeting of apathetic voters, has this on the most important tussle: "D Dimbers: kindly headmaster, unjudgeable, as broadcasting royalty. Ask his butler. Alastair Stewart: appeared to have been plugged into v high voltage mains immediately before transmission. Adam Boulton: exact opposite: like a man temporarily distracted from the enviable task of consuming a large consignment of sausage rolls. All of them: glorified timekeepers. Next time: Ant, Dec and Nicholas Parsons (all above)." Note: Number of people at the apathy meeting: One.

Clegg's in the frame

Laugh? D Cameron (best imagined in cockney with arm resting on microphone stand): "Tony Blair? It's great to have him back in the country. He's one of the few people who can actually afford another Labour government..." Next, N Clegg, during a break (yes!) in the snooker at the Crucible (try Yorks accent): "I was thinking what can I say... they're snookered ... the reds are going down the hole ... and then I remembered the blue's worth more than the yellow..." Not quite ready for Glasgow yet, lads.

Glasgow miss

Glasgow! Janey Godley, former city landlady, now top comic, in The Herald on short-changing Gordon, twice, when he was Chancellor: "I wondered if either he didn't notice or was too scared to confront me. But I decided that maybe he just couldn't add up." She should have tried it on the famously tight Tommy Cooper; here he is in a pub: "You've got to understand, it's not the principle of the thing, it's the money." But Gordon can be very funny: who else could have pulled off that car crash yesterday? And this is one of his favourite gags: "How do you call a dinosaur in for its dinner? Tea, Rex!" Come on, that must be worth a vote somewhere!

Show me the money...

Exciting! I've just had an email from D Cameron, offering me a contract to help the Conservative Party to run Britain. Flattering, but I've had to ask two vital questions: 1. How much are you paying? 2. Are there expenses? So far the response situation closely resembles Duffy 3 above. More as I have it.