Charlotte O’Sullivan: Venus Williams – my part in her downfall

The thing is...

Share
Related Topics

The thing is, in a world dominated by superheroes, I, too, have a secret power. And my secret power is... tennis telekinesis. When watching Wimbledon, I invariably take against a player (most recently, Venus Williams, but it was nothing personal.

Her dress looked like she'd left the coat hanger in, but frankly I could have swung either way). Having selected my victim, I watch their matches with an eye to changing the course of history – double faults are my speciality – and when they lose, I feel a surge of triumph.

It may have looked as though a lean, mean, 23-year-old Bulgarian beat Williams. But, actually, it was an unfit, short-sighted 40-year-old. Me! Call it armchair tennis. Call it the kind of psychotic behaviour that warrants a dose of lithium. But it feels good.

Most people have this gift. They just have less of it than me. And they tend to use it more positively. When I watch football with my dad he refuses to go to the toilet when his team are ahead. Just in case they sense his absence and crash and burn. Is this unnecessary strain on his bladder proof of his loyalty or egomania? Isn't the answer obvious?

Anyway, back to me.

Right now, my thoughts are with Andy Murray. As far as I'm concerned, he's a marked man. I like his style of play, I like his tortuous relationship with his mother, but I'm sorry, he's got to go. He was meant to lose against Ljubicic but I got distracted on Friday evening and tuned in too late (negative energy, I find, is like an old-fashioned TV – it takes a while to warm up).

What of Murray's win against Lopez? Ah, I'm glad you ask. I reserve the right to turn down impossible cases. No way would Murray succumb to Lopez (no 44 in the world). So I didn't even bother. I just sat on the sofa and enjoyed the tennis. Phew. It was like a holiday.

But come Friday, I'll be back on duty. And should Murray somehow emerge victorious, it'll be because the phone rang. Or because, seeing his opponent, I decided that Murray was the lesser of two evils and suddenly switched sides (bookies note: I'm fickle like that). But there's no way I'll let Murray win the whole thing. No way.

In last month's X-Men, Professor X used his powers to avert nuclear meltdown. I'm just trying to keep a lid on conversations that begin or end "Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?". Hey, don't thank me. It's just what I do.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + uncapped commission : SThree: Hello! I know most ...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Web Performance Consultant Trainee

£22000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Consultant trainee opportunit...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Executive - (Full marketing mix) - Knutsford

£22000 - £25000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Executive - Knu...

Ashdown Group: Web Developer - ASP.NET, C#, MVC - London

£45000 - £55000 per annum + Excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Web Developer -...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Andreas Lubitz: Knee-jerk reaction to 9/11 enabled mass murder

Simon Calder
The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Rev Justin Welby, presides at the reinterment of Richard III yesterday  

Richard III: We Leicester folk have one question: how much did it all cost?

Sean O’Grady
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss
Tony Blair joins a strange and exclusive club of political leaders whose careers have been blighted by the Middle East

Blair has joined a strange and exclusive club

A new tomb has just gone up in the Middle East's graveyard of US and British political reputations, says Patrick Cockburn
Election 2015: Meet the top 12 wacky candidates seeking your vote in May

Election 2015

Meet the top 12 wacky candidates seeking your vote in May
Countdown to the election: Operation Save Danny Alexander shifts into high gear as the SNP target his Commons seat

Operation Save Danny Alexander shifts into high gear

The Chief Secretary to the Treasury didn’t forget his Highland roots in the Budget. But the SNP is after his Commons seat
The US economy is under threat because of its neglected infrastructure

The US is getting frayed at the edges

Public spending on infrastructure is only half of Europe’s, and some say the nation’s very prosperity is threatened, says Rupert Cornwell
Mad Men final episodes: Museum exhibition just part of the hoopla greeting end of 1960s-set TV hit

New Yorkers raise a glass to Mad Men

A museum exhibition is just part of the hoopla greeting the final run of the 1960s-set TV hit
Land speed record: British-built hybrid rocket car aims to be the fastest on Earth

British-built hybrid rocket car aims to be the fastest on Earth

Bloodhound SSC will attempt to set a new standard in South Africa's Kalahari desert
Housebuilders go back to basics by using traditional methods and materials

Housebuilders go back to basics - throwing mud at the wall until it sticks

Traditional materials are ticking all the construction boxes: they are cheap, green – and anyone can use them
Daniel Brühl: 'When you have success abroad, you become a traitor. Envy is very German'

Daniel Brühl: 'Envy is very German'

He's got stick for his golden acting career and for his beloved restaurant - but Daniel Brühl is staying put in Berlin (where at least the grannies love him)
How Leica transformed photography for ever: Celebrating 100 years of the famous camera

Celebrating 100 years of Leica

A new book reveals how this elegant, lightweight box of tricks would transform the way we saw life on the street and in fashion, on the battlefield and across the world