Deborah Ross: Things that Twitter has taught me

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, and now I've given it a week or so, I will tell you what I have learnt about Twitter. I have learnt that although I am now more popular than a photograph of someone's dinner, which is heartening, I am not more popular than a photograph of a street party in the drizzle, which is less heartening. I have learnt that, as a hack, it may not be acceptable to tweet: "Here's my column: oh no, sorry. It was awful. I'd skip it, if I were you... so far off the money it's not true." I have learnt that once you have sent a tweet, you are not meant to sit around staring at the screen, awaiting replies. I have learnt that it is highly competitive ("pick me, pick me, pick me!"). I have learnt that people tweet weddings and childbirth but not sex, although it is surely only a matter of time: "Oral sex has commenced. Going well. Meanwhile, my column: http://ink/ pn198m3. Also, interesting article on dumplings: http//edd/tyo378md."

I have learnt that a "re-tweet" is prized, and if your husband or boyfriend re-tweets someone else, it is considered a grotesque act of betrayal. I have learnt that gossip can become huge news – gigantic news!; the biggest news! – for nearly an hour. I have learnt that people are pleased Jemima Khan has joined this newspaper, even though it now means I am no longer the most beautiful woman in the office. (Janet Street-Porter feels similarly gutted, apparently.) I have learnt that hashtags are important, although have yet to understand why. (Do they, even, sometimes work like a wink? Interesting.) I have learnt that it sometimes feels like a school playground in which the cool kids won't play with you, just as the cool kids have never played with you. I have learnt that some people try too hard while some people don't try hard enough and the right balance is elusive. I have also learnt that it is OK to have the central heating on in June, because I tweeted: "Is it OK to put heating on? Husband always says 'do star jumps if you're cold' but he is away." I took the advice offered, which was overwhelmingly in favour of the heating, so I turned it right up to max and got so lovely and hot I stripped to my underwear, made pina coladas with little umbrellas in them, and may well file for divorce. So this is what I've learnt about Twitter so far, and here is my column on it, which I would not have recommended you read, but now you have. Sorry about that.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Office Administrator

£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Office Administrator is requ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Manager

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Manager required for a busy company in...

Recruitment Genius: Controller / Mobile Inspector

£8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This leading security company requires a prof...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Consultant

£15000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A sales person is required to join a lea...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Protesters march with banners during an anti-austerity, anti-Conservative Party protest in May  

Budget 2015: Why do we call social security payments 'benefits'? They are a right, not a reward

Janey Stephenson
Laura Bassett signs autographs for England fans after the quarter-final victory  

Women's World Cup: Despite the England team's tweet, the Lionesses can be mothers and successful football players at the same time

Chloe Hamilton
Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

Heavy weather

What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

World Bodypainting Festival 2015

Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

Don't call us nerds

Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high
How to find gold: The Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge

How to find gold

Steve Boggan finds himself in the Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge
Singing accents: From Herman's Hermits and David Bowie to Alesha Dixon

Not born in the USA

Lay off Alesha Dixon: songs sound better in US accents, even our national anthem
10 best balsamic vinegars

10 best balsamic vinegars

Drizzle it over salad, enjoy it with ciabatta, marinate vegetables, or use it to add depth to a sauce - this versatile staple is a cook's best friend
Wimbledon 2015: Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Serena dispatched her elder sister 6-4, 6-3 in eight minutes more than an hour
Greece says 'No': A night of huge celebrations in Athens as voters decisively back Tsipras and his anti-austerity stance in historic referendum

Greece referendum

Greeks say 'No' to austerity and plunge Europe into crisis
Ten years after the 7/7 terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?

7/7 bombings anniversary

Ten years after the terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?
Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has created

Versace haute couture review

Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has ever created
No hope and no jobs, so Gaza's young risk their lives, climb the fence and run for it

No hope and no jobs in Gaza

So the young risk their lives and run for it
Fashion apps: Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers

Fashion apps

Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers
The Greek referendum exposes a gaping hole at the heart of the European Union – its distinct lack of any genuine popular legitimacy

Gaping hole at the heart of the European Union

Treatment of Greece has shown up a lack of genuine legitimacy