Deborah Ross: And what's more I couldn't find anyone to stone me

If you ask me: In the end, I had to stone myself, which wasn't a patch on the real thing
  • @deborahross

If you ask me, I would like to respond to the comment left by "KP" under my column about the gay apocalypse last week, wondering why anyone has any fears in this area. It's not as if people are going to be forced into such a marriages, KP writes, and it's not as if being gay is like smoking and represents an environmental danger. You can't, says KP, come down with "second-hand bumming", which made me laugh, I must say.

I mean, hasn't KP read the leaflet from the committed Christian lobby group Keep Marriage Special, which exists to defend "the biblical teaching that marriage can only be between one man and one woman" and warns of the "consequential impact" of putting homosexuality on an equal footing with heterosexuality?

Doesn't KP realise that, as gayness is normalised, so the numbers involved are sure to increase? Isn't KP aware, even, of the gospels that prophesise "The Second Bumming", particularly Matthew (24): "As sureth as the Sun doth rise in the East, a second bumming will followeth the first, and on and on it will goeth"?

You know, it is exceedingly frustrating for someone such as myself, who tries to live by the Bible, to find others do not. Indeed, when I had that fling a while back (not proud), could I find anyone to stone me? I could not so, in the end, I had to stone myself, which wasn't a patch on the real thing, a bit like tickling yourself. I simply couldn't build up enough power and speed and, ultimately, all I achieved was a slight graze to the forehead. Pathetic.

And when, prior to that, I lost my virginity on my wedding night, could I get my father to parade around town exhibiting my soiled bed sheets? I could not. All he would say was: "Go away. I'm trying to watch the cricket." And as for bumming catching on, it's true. I once met a gay person – I did! – who was such an enthusiast I felt quite converted afterwards, and even got into a terrible old mess trying to bum myself, as I had failed to attract any other offers.

Luckily, I eventually came to my senses, remembered the biblical teachings, and spent the afternoon offering up an animal sacrifice. Anyway, such are the dangers of ignoring the Bible, and paying no heed to The Second Bumming, and to those who argue that it's ludicrous to take any of it literally, let me say this: have you tried to thread a camel through the eye of a needle? I've been at it all morning and it is just as the New Testament says: not possible.