If you ask me, to celebrate the launch of Victoria Beckham's Harper bag, and having given up on anyone creating a handbag named after me, I have personally decided to launch the Deb bag.
I've already, I believe, fulfilled the first requirement of this particular market by pricing it at £10,000, which sounds steep, and is steep, but if you can afford one, it will save you from having to go about with a billboard saying: "I can afford to spend £10,000 on a stupid handbag." Such billboards are heavy and cumbersome, only come in a limited range of colours, and are therefore not the best way to show yourself up as the sort of person who has more money than sense and doesn't mind advertising as much.
I have worked hard on the Deb, which looks just like what it is, a bag, with a strap and a zip and everything – looks just like any other bag, in fact – but I can assure you it is made with the finest, most exclusive materials. These materials include puppy skins (so silky!), kittens' ears (for pocketing), crocodile eyelashes (stitching) and the hopes and dreams of small children.
It is always a shame, robbing children of their hopes and dreams, but at least, I would argue, they don't have to worry about having them dashed in adulthood. This is inevitable, particularly when they realise we live in the sort of crazed world where a Birkin can cost £100,000 and quite a number of women proudly clutch their Louis Vuitton bags as if it were still 1985, and they don't look like idiots. (I would also like to add, before the complaints come flooding in, that our children are always given enough room to turn around, access to the outdoors for 30 minutes every other Wednesday, and fresh water almost weekly which is, actually, above and beyond what the law demands.)
Of course, Peaches Geldof has already been on the phone trying to blag a Deb, which Grazia has decreed a "must-have". A must-have! Like the polio vaccine, but you can put stuff in it! Like a bone marrow transplant for leukaemia sufferers, but there's a special pocket for your phone! However, I am holding out for Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker, both of whom, as I understand it, will agree to be pictured exiting LAX airport with one over their shoulder, so long as the price is right, and Beyoncé doesn't sneak in first.
Anyway, please do check into my fashion blog again next week, when I will be discussing stupid, over-priced, oversized, designer sunglasses with myself, as I couldn't find anyone of sane mind who was the slightest bit interested. I thank you.