Lucy Porter: The celebrity year is shorter than a dog's

I'm just saying...

Share
Related Topics

Scarlett Johansson is divorcing after just two years. Which confirms my theory that the celebrity year is getting shorter. It used to be the same as the dog year – one human year would equal about seven celebrity ones. So while most of us would be able to squeeze only one or two marriages into the average lifetime, your Elizabeth Taylors could get nearly into double figures. Contemporary stars live their lives at an even more dizzying pace. You've probably had orgasms that lasted longer than some of Britney Spears' marriages.

Celebrity pregnancies are also much shorter than normal ones. We are expected to carry our foetuses for 40 weeks (in France it's 41 weeks, which must be torture given how much they like pate and runny cheese), but celebrities can replicate themselves more quickly. I heard that Jennifer Lopez was expecting while I was paying for a bedside cabinet in Argos. By the time I was called to my collection point, she'd popped out twins.

In turn, these babies leap from the womb with their circadian rhythms set to celeb time. At 13, Lourdes Ciccone has her own clothing range. Suri Cruise is rumoured to be in talks with Gucci to see if she can fit being their creative director around her schedule of pooing and gymboree. And Willow Smith is taking a break from her successful film career to have an international pop hit with "Whip My Hair". She's 10 years old. I'm 37 and the apex of my professional life was appearing in Russ Abbot's Christmas Madhouse.

Given the accelerated pace of their lives, it's no wonder the famous are so concerned about ageing. Heidi Montag has admitted to having Botox at 23, which is fair enough; in human years that's 161. Actually it's probably more, as the laws of celebrity physics state that the reality TV star year is even quicker. Soon there will be in-utero injections for pumping Juvederm into future American Idol contestants.

The no-mucking-about attitude that has allowed these people to excel in their chosen fields naturally leads them to demand fast results in their personal lives. So I've done some calculations, and I reckon we need to count celebrity years in line with mouse years – 1 to 34. That means Scarlett and Ryan Reynolds managed an impressive 68 years of wedded bliss and Justin Bieber is 544 years old. Does that make it any less creepy that I want to marry him? Only for about five human minutes, obviously.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Bookkeeper

£23000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This small, friendly, proactive...

Recruitment Genius: Photographic Event Crew

£14500 - £22800 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developers - .NET / ASP.NET / WebAPI / JavaScript

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Software Developer is required to join a lea...

Austen Lloyd: Corporate Tax Solicitor - City

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: A first rate opportunity to join a top ranking...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

After Savile, we must devote our energies to stopping child abuse taking place right now

Mary Dejevsky
A ‘hugely irritated’ Sir Malcolm Rifkind on his way home from Parliament on Monday  

Before rushing to criticise Malcolm Rifkind, do you know how much being an MP can cost?

Isabel Hardman
HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

Time to play God

Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

MacGyver returns, but with a difference

Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

Tunnel renaissance

Why cities are hiding roads underground
'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

Boys to men

The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

Crufts 2015

Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
10 best projectors

How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

Monaco: the making of Wenger

Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

Homage or plagiarism?

'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower